A
male
age
51-59,
*parks
writes:Another Best Friends Wife Story...So my best friend got married to a wonderful girl about three years ago. She has been a very good friend of mine as well. I have been attracted to her throughout their relationship but very easily kept things at bay. I am a lot like her in ways and we see eye-to-eye on life. yada yada yada, if we were both single I am sure we would give it a run. We have never expressed feelings for each other outloud but I am pretty sure if we ever did the situation would be like one of those mythical Hollywood sex scenes. I am married as well for 11 years and actually very happily. I get along great with my wife, good sex life, and life is good. My wife is wonderful. I honestly have real love for both of these women. I feel bad for even having these feelings.Kind of hard for me to formulate my exact question.The attraction I share "I think" with my friends wife would make me uncomfortable if the shoe was on the other foot. We spend a lot of time together, nothing has ever happened between us and maybe that is why it is such a nice feeling.Her husband cheated on her one night about a year ago and being caught in the middle I am just keeping silent. BUT for some reason after this cheating incident my attraction for her has gotten much stronger and my friendship with him has deteriorated. I am still friends with him but I think his cheating has affected me as a friend.I am sure this is a pretty common situation.I guess my questions are:keep my feelings for her to myself?share them with her?I know it would make her feel good even if we did not do anything. She is very attractive and her husband does not build her up in this department.tell her about the cheat? (no way)be happy with what I have? I know this is the correct answer.I already feel better just writing this letter.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2009): I find it strange that you claim to love your wife yet you continue obsessing with your best friends wife? You seem to want to rescue this woman from her undeserving hb? What makes you think that you are the answer to her marital woes? Maybe since you have been implicated in her husbands cheating you feel guilty. Therefore you want to look out for her? In trying to come to terms with your apparent feelings for this other woman, how in Gods name do you think this will affect your wife. I am assuming you have kids as well? you are investing so much of time, energy and lustful thoughts on this woman that you do not even realise that you are stealing precious time and effort from your wife. Yes, you are. You have the best of both worlds. Your so called best friend (don’t know who is really more undeserving of the friendship. He who cheated or you contemplating cheating with his wife), your wife, kids and this mans wife. Mister you got it all. And with having it all and being GREEDY you stand the chance of losing it all. And you will be the only person who gets the full blame of causing betrayal and devastation. Set boundaries. If you believe that you are spending too much of time with this woman then limit it. Only if absolute necessary be alone with her. You are fooling yourself if you believe you have not crossed any lines with her. You are emotionally embroiled already. You are cheating already and you are betraying your FAITHFUL UNSUSPECTING wife. This woman is equally to blame. She is becoming an “emotional whore”. Read up more about this concept. She has another man to unburden her soul. Another man to complain to about her hb. She apparently thinks nothing of having someone elses hb (thats right, you are still married and you are still YOUR WIFES HB). She is using you to make herself feel and look good. Is she giving you subtle come ons? A little look, some things said in jest , some apparent innocent words spoken, behaviour noted? Can you see the way this line of thinking is going?You both need to stop before it gets out MORE of hand. And please no bullshit that you cannot. YOU can decide to put a stop to this inappropriate behaviour. You seem to have lost respect for your friend after his cheating BUT aren’t you doing the same thing to your wife. You are cheating on her. What makes you think you are different from your friend? Pot/kettle scenario? Makes no difference. A cheater is a cheater is a cheater. It doesn’t have to involve sex. Cut out any subtle flirting, any subtle tell tale signs that you are interested. You say nothing has happened between the two of you but if somehow you were placed in a position to compromise your marriage you will take what is being offered isn’t it?My thoughts are with your wife as i type my response to you. Can you imagine what she will go through when she finds out that you want to have an affair with this woman. This other woman is her friend as well, isn’t it? The two people she trust and never suspected to betray her?You say your wife is ‘wonderful’. I am sure if the situation was reversed and she was lusting after another man you would really feel NOTHING, right?? After all whats 11 years of marriage, a home, kids, an apparent soul mate, a life together? So if you know that you are wasting your wifes time then RELEASE HER. Yes, hard to comprehend right now. But allow her the freedom to go out and find her own soul mate. Allow her to lust after another man, have mindblowing sex with another man. All the lustful thoughts that you are having for this other woman, imagine another man running his hands over your wifes body. Makes you sick , right? Makes you want to throw up?? Am i being a bit extreme? Yes I am. Why? Just to show you the effects of betrayal. The effects of crossing the lines with another person. You see what is good for you is equally good for your wife. If you want to play around then why shouldn’t she as well. If you can see the good ness in your wife, do you think other men will not as well. I think your wife is a good investment, other men CAN/WILL also realise this amazing investment exist. But sadly as with so many unfaithful spouses/partners they selfishly hold on to the faithful spouse/partner, in essence they are like rouges. Stealing their so called loved ones lives.Sometimes all it takes is just one time. There are no second chances when a spouse betrays. Have you heard stories where cheating spouses talk of their regret. How they regret it. Is this how you want your life to pan out?Is this what you want to put your wife though? You may believe you are a good man but will a good man prefer someone elses wife over his own? If you want to throw away a marriage of love, 11 years together then continue in the manner you have. Your life of regret is on the horizon. If you want to redeem yourself and strengthen your marriage then start making changes about this “friendship” situation. Create the distance. Remove yourself from the situation. Create boundaries and live by them. Lastly think of your actions. There will be serious ramifications for them. Are you prepared for the aftermath of the betrayal. Oh, and also do not believe that no one will find out. One thing is a certainty, secrets have a funny way of coming out, especially when you least expect it. You hold the key to your future. Your destiny is your hands. Only you can destroy it.................the question is, WILL YOU. I can TELL you not to destroy your home but you need to make that decision. i still find it strange how you can say you love your wife.............i believe love is:never putting your spouse/partner through heartache and painnever betraying themnever compromising your vowsnever strayingnever causing sufferingbut then perhaps this concept called love ......is merely pie in the sky??????????????
A
female
reader, Jayney Y  +, writes (14 October 2009):
 You are putting this woman ahead of your wife. The question you should be asking is - do I really love my wife?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2009): Oh, you should tell her. Then she knows how much you truly care for her. If you're that close, I would confide your deepest feelings for her. That actually might be the best thing, rather than pining away for her. She may not feel the same way. I think sometimes we ramp ourselves up with these feelings of "what could be," and these daydreams of a relationship with her are like a drug addiction. But reality might burst that bubble and give you a different perspective on the infatuation. You'll never know unless you talk to her about it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (13 October 2009):
 I guess my questions are:
keep my feelings for her to myself?
You seem like a smart man, what do YOU think would happen if you confessed your attraction to her? 1 of 2 things. Either she feels like you or she does not. If she does, what are you going to do about it? CHEAT on your wife? and your friend? Are you then any better then him?
What if she just really likes you as a friend? Everything will be awkward afterwards, she might even talk to her husband about it. Then you are SOL out of two friends.
I know it would make her feel good even if we did not do anything. She is very attractive and her husband does not build her up in this department.
She is a grown ass women, if she doesn't feel she is getting enough of a self esteem boost from her husband hopefully she is smart enough to give that to herself. THAT is NOT your job.
tell her about the cheat? (no way)
Well you already decided that that is not a way you want to go and I understand it. It is a hard thing to do and only YOU can decide that. Personally if my husband friend knew my husband cheated on me and ignored it I would assume that he a) felt is was none of his business b) didn't want to get in the middle of the drama.
be happy with what I have? I know this is the correct answer.
You already know the answer you say, but you need to do something about it. All this energy you are spending on this "sorta" fantasy with your best friends wife, you really should spend on that wife of yours.
Good luck,
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2009): I would stay with your wife if your still madly in love with her like the day you fell in love with her why jeopardise it.You may be attracted to this other woman but if you do act on it you ll just feel guilty and prob not be able to look at your wife the same again, then she ll be suspicious. I honestly wouldnt chance it.Think of your wife do you want to risk all you have with her just for some feelings that may come down to nothing? You prob only feel stronger feeling s for the other woman as you feel sorry for her but dont tell her about yor friend cheating let your friend do that. It was his mistake not your s. Just think how you d feel if your wife was thinking of cheating on you. hope you make right choice. :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2009): It's perfectly possible to love the woman without being with her. Its also perfectly possible to be soul mates and together forever without sex. Also possible to love two women at once. Even more. Love is funny that way, it is not reserved for just one person, and the more you love one person it does not mean that you will love someone else less. Do you desire her sexually? I didnt see anything about that in your letter. Im sure you are attracted to her that way too, but it seems clear from your letter that the main issue is your feelings for her, not a desire for her. That means you can keep this at bay. You could tell her you love her. Just dont make any approaches. She might be very happy as well having your love and friendship. Your friendship with her husband has deteriorated as you said, because of his cheating. So cheating to you is not an option, which I am glad to hear. That would hurt so many more then it would make anyone happy. I hope you come to peace with your love for her. Possibly you could tell your wife as well. She might feel threatened, so make sure how you phrase it (speaking from personal experience, I tell my boyfriends about a man in my life that I will always love, but that I can never be with. I feel it is good to come clear, that they know that I love more than just one man. They also know that I will never cheat on them, that my love stays platonic).Best of luck!
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (13 October 2009):
 You know what you have to do, you said it yourself.
Him cheating on her is their business, you have nothing to gain from telling. Maybe she already knows and has decided to forgive her husband (you can never be 100% sure what is said between man and wife). You also have a loving wife who would be destroyed and devestated if you revealed you loved someone else.
In life we cannot have it all. Be happy with what you have and thank god your not alone.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (13 October 2009):
 Don't worry about building up your friend's wife's self-esteem, not your problem, and just think what it would do to your own wife's! Since you already know you'd best keep your trap shut I guess 'nuff said.
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (13 October 2009):
 well, i think you should do a sort of combination of your options (and by the way, i don't think you should feel bad - you AREN'T going to act on anything and you DO love and respect your wife, so this is just one of those warm friendships which can actually be a source of huge comfort and happiness whilst still staying within respected boundaries - in fact, the whole thing is based on respect - that's why you have to be careful about not over-stepping the mark) ...
so, my advice would be:
- yes, of course be happy with what you have, but part of that is your friendship with her - so you need to find a way not to feel guilty about that, and to help her if you can by building her up, as you said (and i feel sorry for her too, especially with the cheating - that also makes me not like the husband so much).
- you don't need to tell her - if it is as you say, she certainly already knows or suspects how you feel. the fact that she hasn't ever said anything means she doesn't want to, but i would imagine the knowledge is a source of secret comfort to her, if her husband doesn't make her feel that loved.
- you actually shouldn't tell her. it could backfire. and i don't like 'even if we did not do anything' - you shouldn't do anything, or even be thinking about acting on that. (in my opinion, if you want to stay happy and everyone else to be happy too!)
- you could, though, tell her what a great person and beautiful woman she is. that is subtly, but importantly, different from saying you're madly in love with her. and as i said, some things don't need to be said.
whatever you do, though, don't do anything to upset or hurt your wife. just have a warm friendship with this other woman. trust me, it will be more rewarding in the long run, and you will keep all those you love close to you.
good luck.
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