A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Dear All, I have been an Aunt on this site but am posting anonomously as I feel embarrassed about my situation and need help and advice. I first came to this site as my then partner (now husband) liked to look at porn. He also had a wandering eye too. I thought he had changed after all the soul searching conversations we had had about these subjects. But it appears not and on our recent holiday, it became evident that he was searching out girls to look at when he thought I wasn't looking. He quite often stands behind me so I don't see what he is doing, until I see the girl/woman responding to his looks (he is very attractive) then it becomes clear what he is up to. I didn't confront him at first, but asked about the girl that was clearly enjoying his gaze. He looked all flustered and said "but she was looking at me". He is 46 and this girl was about 18. Now his story has changed and he was looking at her, and said he couldn't help himself. Then he brings up a terrible incident that happened in his past as though this excuses his actions now. Whenever I want support for something, he brings up this event and I end up consoling him. At a restaurant on the same holiday, he was talking to me when suddenly he seemed captivated by something/someone and I could tell he had stopped listening to me. As I turned to look, there was a young girl, again about 18, walking past. He then looked back to me and it didn't seem to register with him what he had done. Add to the mix that I have terminal cancer and have been fighting this beast for about 5 years. It started off as breast cancer but has now spread to my brain. I had brain surgery just 7 months ago for a tumour that wasn't responding to radiation treatment. So my life is a little topsy turvy as you can imagine. To be honest, he stared at women from the get-go in our relationship and I guess I thought he had changed. 9 years down the line now and I am sooooo weary with it all. Perhaps I was stupid to go ahead and marry him. I was the hopeful one hoping he would change. Even after brain surgery, he wasn't there immediately at my side. I came round from surgery and he didn't pitch up for a few hours. As far as I know, other people's partners were there waiting for them to come round from the anaesthetic. Yet, he tells me every day that he loves me with all his heart and I thought he was my bf and soul mate. So I am torn as to what to do. I have read somewhere that men who ogle and like porn are not committed in their hearts to the women they are with. They place no value on the relationship and this makes it easy for them to ogle. Boundaries are there for a reason and they cross it every day to take a glimpse of someone they don't even know. Do I leave him and spend whatever time I have left on my own? Or do I stay, knowing in my heart that he has never really loved me?
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo Anonymous dated 13th Sept - thank you for this. I do understand that a lot of men do it (not all, but most) but how did you feel when it was happening? How did your friend feel (the Marilyn Monroe look a like). She can't have liked it as she mentioned it to you. How do you then deal with the feelings of hurt that it brings up when they do it? I think it gets in the way of intimacy because when my husband does it, I want to knee him somewhere where it hurts a lot. I also read "How to Inspire your husband to not look at other women" by Stanley J leffew and in that book they categorically say MEN SHOULD NOT DO IT as it harms intimacy in a relationship, and it gives tips on getting through to your husband/partner in a logical, non emotional way. So I feel really stuck as to the next step I should take.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2015): Hi there, So sorry you are going through a difficult time. I wanted to add my two cents in case they are of help. This probably isn't what you want to hear, but almost all men ogle other women if they are heterosexual. Some do it more subtly than others, but all do it. In most cases they only want to have a passing look at someone attractive and then they forget about it- end of story. Same goes for porn which most men use occasionally. I'm not saying these things are easy for us women to accept, but it is the reality and it does NOT mean that he loves you less. It does NOT mean that he wants to be with a different woman. I consider myself a decently attractive young woman and all the boyfriends I have ever had have also checked out others when we are out. They will look at different ages, body types, etc. it is just what men do. I too thought that it must be something wrong with me or my relationships but one day I realized that no, it just happens. My friend, who is one of the most attractive women you could imagine (looks like Marilyn Monroe) had her boyfriend ogle and flirt with a waitress right in front of her. So...don't let this affect your sense of self worth. Take it for what it is...nothing. When you are feeling depressed or emotional about other issues it is easy to over-react and take the ogling really personally.Now, I'm not saying that he shouldn't be responsive to your hurt feelings. He should show you that he is trying to keep his eyes in his head for your sake. Ask him to be more subtle about it. Had to have this convo with the current bf and now he doesn't "blindly stare" at the girls anymore- a quick glance and that's it.As for your hubby not being there right after your surgery- did you ask him why this happened? That is an issue of more concern and it is for you to discuss with him, perhaps in counselling. However it sounds like he loves you if as you say he tells you every day, supports you, etc. Take care and all the best,
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2015): Perhaps women see it differently, but it doesn't mean they understand things or are correct about it. There are women with roving eyes. That is not something that is exclusive to males. You can stereotype males for what they do with their eyes if you like; it doesn't make it factual. It's an opinion and subjective like everything said in every post that you've read here. My suggestion is that you do not put yourself through the stress of trying to get a divorce. If you have a family support system to take care of you, by no means should you go through this alone. There is obviously more wrong with your marriage than you express put in a post on DC; but for the most part, you know whether he loves you or not.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your answers and insights, all of which had me in tears. I am so grateful for your input. WiseOwl, we were on holiday when all this happened. So taking us out of our comfort zones didn't help. And I am deeply sorry that you have gone through this yourself. It certainly shapes you as a person. This also isn't a response to me having cancer, as he has always done it from the get-go. But, we are talking about it in a bid to understand what is going on. He is my main support at the moment, as since diagnosis we have lost a lot of friends, and that is apparently normal too. Suffice to say, we are working it through. Yes it has drained me of energy but the thought of being without him left me with a 3 day headache. However, ultimately if I feel that is the right thing to do then I will leave him. It is also clear that men and women feel very differently about the subject of wandering eyes. For many women this rips at the very heart of our relationship and threatens our security. I guess we bond more emotionally than men do, or in different ways and men, because they do think differently, just don't get that. But I've seen enough on here to understand it is a very real problem for lots of women, me included. And no matter what anyone says, I can't seem to feel any differently. There is a life lesson in all of this I am sure. Thank you once again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2015): Hey!First of all-it is very difficult to see our own situations unbiasedly. I find it easy to observe patterns in others, but very hard to observe or correct patterns in my relationships when they happen (hindsight is 20-20 as they say).So don't be ashamed of asking for advice or opinions- we've all been there. You were brave enough to ask which is great!I am sure that you have a wealth of experience that you can offer to others and asking for advice doesn't invalidate that precious experience.Now, for my opinion (it's gonna sound harsh to you) I'm sorry but the man is an a$$!My personal opinion is that you don't say how much you love someone, you show it. By not living up to your expectations in the hospital (even though your expectations are a bit movie-like, it must be said), he has already soured this relationship a bit because he made you feel unloved/not sufficiently well cared for.I'm sorry,but that's gonna fester (unless you can try to be very honest about it?) and gonna make you feel bad about the whole relationship.On the other hand, whilst I appreciate how difficult and life-threatening this is for you, have you thought that it could be equally as desperate and draining (emotionally) for him? If we assume he loves you, he is watching somebody he loves waste before his very eyes! And he can't do anything about it! Men hate that...All of these things considered, I do think you should leave, but definitely NOT now. You are not yet fully recovered or strong enough. In the meantime, while you wait maybe your feelings will change a little bit again, coz relationships are a bit cyclical, but you will be in a much better position to make the right choice.
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reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (9 September 2015):
I think you should tell him how hurtful his looking at other women is, and actually ask him to explain why he does it. An event in his past is no excuse, because things are about as tough as they can be for you at the moment and you still have your boundaries. With that said, I would not leave him because I think that he’s just doing what men do. Sometimes they can be unbelievably insensitive and behaviour such as staring at other women or watching porn is an escape for them: gratification without any complicated emotions. It doesn’t make it right, and it doesn’t mean that it should be excused, or that you’re not a good wife if you’re not prepared to put up with it, but crucially it does not in any way indicate that he either wants to be with a woman like that over you or that he doesn’t love you. He’s been with you for years, perhaps not always as emotionally responsive in your times of trial as you’d like, but he’s been there nonetheless. I’m sure you live with a lot of fear for the future, but whether he says it or not, he is probably scared too, and yes, it’s asking a lot of you to accept his emotional baggage when you’ve got so much on your own plate, but you must try to see that he’s probably blocking out some pretty dark fears himself. I can understand why facing life and death alone would be preferable to doing so with some-one who has lied to you about their love, but I sincerely believe that he does deeply love you. His way of coping and keeping himself distracted is horribly insensitive, but no-one should go through what you’re eventually going to go through alone, so stick with him. You need each other.
I wish you all the very best.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2015): My dear lady, you are in a very unique and solemn situation. My heart truly goes out to you. Your husband's insensitivity my be attributed to a lot of suppressed fear and anxiety over your medical prognosis. Men react to grief and fear in the most unbelievable ways. By no means am I making excuses for his behavior around other women. That's a guy thing, and you cannot expect a heterosexual male not to look at a pretty lady. That's quite unrealistic; and it is not necessarily a threat to your marriage. I'm tired of taking on porn. It's a vice and poor form of entertainment, but it's also an outlet. When intimacy suffers for whatever reason; or because some men are addicted to porn and masturbation. I'm fed-up with trying to help women deal with it. It's a total waste of my time and advice.
You don't have time to be putting yourself through all this. He's being a man, men are human. We have faults and weaknesses. Just like women.
At this very point in time, and with what you're going through; I don't think leaving him is the answer. That is, unless this behavior is draining you of your strength and will to survive. Be that the case, place your well-being first. It is hard to understand how he doesn't seem to recognize how hurtful his behavior is. I don't necessarily agree with the suggestion that sticking it out for nine years proves love. There are many factors and reasons people stay together; but you know if he loves you or not.
I think you are hypersensitive due to all you're going through. I think he is looking for an escape in every way he can find it. He is succumbing to his bad habits; because they give him instant pleasure and distraction. As minimal as it may be. You feel he has already given-up on you.
Don't do that to yourself, my dear. Please don't!
I don't like to presume on anyone's financial condition; but I always recommend that people take a long getaway or vacation to remove themselves from old familiar surroundings. Being detached from old scenery tends to draw your attention towards each other. His protective instincts automatically kick in, because you are both out of your usual element. Not that it cures anything, but it helps.
I know you're under treatment and can't get getaway for long; but even a quiet inn by the sea is refreshing and relaxing. Romantic.
If you can't see past the discomfort and negative emotions this is causing you; and he doesn't seem to connect with how it effects you, then you may need to separate. I just can't advocate you doing this all alone. I've lost someone to cancer, and this rips my heart out. I couldn't image him facing it alone. I would have to be there for him. I think under the circumstances, you might want to overlook some of this adolescent behavior. It's all done with his eyes. If he doesn't have a history of being unfaithful, don't hold roving eyes against him. We can't help what we see, only how we respond to it.
Here's what I'd do. I'd write him a long heartfelt letter about your feelings. Express yourself, not your anger; but do articulate your pain. He may find it hard facing you when you talk your feelings. Shutting you down and out, because he may feel your reaction is silly and unnecessary; or the emotion is difficult to absorb. He's a man. Emotional situations are difficult for us, we don't express them like women do. Well, we gay men do. That's besides the point.
Tell him how much you have loved him. Tell him you wish you could make all this scary stuff go away, but you need his help to cope with it all. Don't hand it to him. Leave it in a drawer, or someplace he has to find it. Either now, or someday he will find that letter someplace. If he reads it. It will melt his heart. He has no reason to apologize for looking at pretty girls; that's your problem. He does owe his wife of nine years quality of life, his empathy, and protection through this rough time. If nothing else, let him read this.
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female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (8 September 2015):
 I'm so sorry about your cancer and your husband. I think you are the ONLY one who can make this decisions. But I would be VERY clear with him that he is adding on to an already hard situation for you, you should not HAVE to battle cancer and then deal with a husband who is acting like a total moron or hormonal teenager.
He KNOWS his "rowing eyes" have been a problem and he knows you battle with cancer, and what a toll it is taking on you, yet what does he do on your vacation? He does "his" thing and then claim he can't help himself...
While I DO agree that none of us go blind to attractive people when we met our partner/mate/spouse - there is such a big difference between ogling and noticing. Your husband is ogling.
I don't know if I fully agree that men with "rowing eyes" aren't fully committed to their partners - but I think they are not at all respectful of their partner AND women in general.
Can it be that he recently have started doing it because that is how HE deals with the stress of your cancer treatment? Because he feels useless? The attention he gets makes him feel re-affirmed? (not that I am excusing his behavior).
As for not being there when you woke up, if he didn't have work that day there was no excuse for not being there (in my book) but again, is he not really dealing with your illness? Is he in some sort of denial ?
Is he not good at making you FEEL loved?
If you did walk away from him (or told him to go) can you then handle your needs and care? Do you have someone (or several someones) to be your support net?
Have you told him what you are considering?
Not that I think he would actually understand it, from what you write he seems a little manipulative when he bring up something from HIS past that was hard for him, and you end up consoling him. Seems selfish and a tad... narcissistic honestly.
Unfortunately part of my advice is, that you NEED to accept that he is not going to change. YOU can not change him. THIS is who he is. So... that leave you in the position to decide if you have had enough or if you can live with it.
I wish I could fix this for you.
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