A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi.Currently I’m away at my uni town, and am planning on going home for 2 weeks with my boyfriend who is from my uni town. A group of my best/longest friends from home want to meet up, but they don’t want any boys to be there. One of the girls I’ve not seen in over a year as she’s been in another county and she’s going away again when I go back to my uni town, and I’m not sure when I’ll get a chance to see her again. Due to my uni and other friend’s uni courses, jobs and lack of spare time I rarely get a chance to be in a large group with them like we always used to be. But I don’t feel right leaving my boyfriend in the house alone while I go out and have fun. A couple of them have said ‘he’s an adult, he can be alone one night’, but I feel that is selfish and not fair. If one of them stayed with me in my uni town, I wouldn’t ask them to stay in alone while I hang out with my friends or boyfriend here. Nothing’s been planned yet at all, so anything can happen, but I’m feeling really torn and don’t really know what to do. Another possibility could be asking some friends’ boyfriends if they wanted to hang out with him (they’ve met before) that evening, but I’d still feel a little bad. What would you do in this situation? Thanks for reading :) Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all your answers :) I'm gonna bring it up with him tomorrow hopefully and explain the situation. If he doesn't like the idea of me leaving him then I won't go out with my friends, as i'm not gonna leave him alone. But if he's ok with it, i might try and organise something with my friend's boyfriends. I am still feeling a little torn though sadly. To the most recent poster; it's not because he's a boy, they'd be the same if it was another girl, because they want this time to be a girly personal catch up time (we've been friends for nearly 10 years now) and a couple of them have never met him, so it could be awkward. I'm certain it's nothing to do with his gender. He's been to my hometown last summer, met some of my friends and we stayed with my parents. I left him alone a couple of times, but that was due to a hair and dentist appointment, not to go out and have fun. And if the situation was reveresed, i don't think he would leave me alone.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2013): Personally, whilst I think of course its fine to want to go out with your friends- I think its rude not to invite him to come with you all! I can't abide it when someone is specifically included or excluded solely because of their gender.
It you had a girlfriend come to stay then your friends wouldn't specifically exclude them like this. If your friends can't accommodate your boyfriend, especially considering the circumstances, then I think they're putting gender-judgement before friendship and kindness. That's pretty low in my book.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (25 June 2013):
 I would find it rude if my boyfriend left me alone, ditched, to go out with his friends. But that is because he still, like all my exes, needs to practice thinking in "we"-terms and not just about himself. If only he would tell me his plans in GOOD TIME ahead, and then ask me my opinion on it, then it's fine. Like maybe we can agree together on a night that is good for us both. First night there? Probably not such a great idea. Last night there? Maybe not a great idea either, but that depends. A week in? Perfect. But it needs to be something you don't push down on him, it needs to be something you agree on together. Makes all the difference.
I have a friend coming to visit me this weekend, from another city. I go to work in the day time, so she just needs to manage on her own. And if I want to, I wouldn't hesitate going out to do my own thing. I'd invite her with me, but I seriously do not plan to baby sit her. And I don't expect this to be a problem, because she's been made aware, in good time, that I will not be able to entertain her as I have work. I'm also just moving, and need to buy furniture etc. So I will be busy setting up house. She's fine with it.
However, I am sure she'd be disappointed if I didn't inform her about this and only let her know upon her arrival. So just tell him in good time, include him in the process, and it's all good. When he cares for you he will want you to be happy, and he'll probably want you to go out because it'll do you good.
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reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (25 June 2013):
 Well I think it depends on a bunch of things.
I know that for me if I went with a college boyfriend to his family home and I didn't really know them, and he wanted to leave me alone with his family so he could go out for dinner with his friends, I would not be comfortable with that.
So maybe it's my own baggage... if bF is comfortable being left to his own devices, then by all means go.
I know if it was me a stranger in a strange town, in a strange home with people I did not know I'd be uncomfortable being "abandoned" I guess it depends on if it 's the first weekend they are there or the second and if he's comfortable being left. For me I'd find it rude.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 June 2013):
 SVC, for once I don't agree - it's ONE evening out of 14 ! I often had family and friends visiting me for long visits, one month or so, and I bent over backwards to make them comfortable , keep them entertained,make sure they had fun.. .... yet if they had expected or demanded every single hour of my free time, - that would have been the end of visits ( and the end of our good relationships, probably ). It's a town or city, it's not the heart of the jungle. He can read a book , or watch TV, or fiddle with his computer even if he's not in HIS town . He can go out for a walk or to catch a movie or to dine out. What's so terrible in spenting a few hours by himself for once ,in a special circumstance ?!
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (25 June 2013):
Wait a second here folks... IF they were both in their own home towns (the same place) then the answer is clearly a no brainer... of course you go with girls and leave him to his own...
BUT if he's going with YOU to visit YOUR home town and he has NO ONE or nothing to do, I think it rather rude to leave him.... unless there are plans for him to keep busy at the same time. Then I would do it.
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reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (25 June 2013):
 Are you serious?
I don't get why you HAVE to spend all your time with him because you are dating, catching up with friends is OK! and yes, you don't have to bring him along, as in (mean as it may sound) it has nothing to DO with him. It's not like he can't met your friends, but a girls night out is a GIRLS night out.
Like others mentioned, I HIGHLY doubt he'd have a problem going out in a buys night out if THAT happened and leave you at home (or whatever). He should be able to handle you going out 1 night... You are after all NOT his nursemaid or mother.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (24 June 2013):
I can tell you this much, if the situation was reversed your boyfriend wouldn't even think twice about going out with his mates. He wouldn't even have the courtesy to ask you if it was okay, or to inform you in good time. Oh no, the male approach to these situations is that the woman is informed one hour before he leaves to hang out with his friends, and she's considered perfectly capable of managing on her own.
While I think the typical male approach is rude, I also strongly oppose this typical female approach of male dependency. Why do you need to check with your man to go out? Why do you need to babysit him? Seriously?
The good middle route is a combination: Tell him in good time in advance that you want to meet up with your friends and have a girls night out, and that you wont be too long (although, you'd be perfectly entitled to raving all night if that was what you wanted). Ask him if that's okay with him (it probably is, but it's polite to ask).
The only thing I wouldn't want you to do is leave your boyfriend alone at home with your parents, unless he's on good terms with them and know them well. Otherwise it'll be awkward. He should be able to go out and do something for alone while you are gone, either go somewhere or be alone at home if that's what he's comfortable with. But just give some suggestions and make sure he's comfortable, then go along with your friends and don't worry about it. Because guys are simple that way, they say what they mean. If he says he's okay with you going then he IS okay with it. So no worries.
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (24 June 2013):
An evening meal in a pub ? So probably you won't even be back home late. Much ado for nothing. Go already !
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reader, Brokenv  +, writes (24 June 2013):
Oh my God! go out with your girlfriendss. One thing I have learned in life is that they will always be there and he may not.
I have two besties. I would be so lonely without them. We make a date night a month. We leave our husbands at home. We have been doing this for decades. I love them. Their friendship means so much to me.
If you do not take care of these valuable relationships they will not be around. You will loose. I'm pretty sure he will survive without you for one night.
Go out and have a great night! If he doesn't support one night he will not support you in other important matters in your life.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (23 June 2013):
I would go out. I think your friends are right, he's an adult, he can survive an evening without you. You can call some of your friends' boyfriends to keep him company, if you wish, but ask your bf first, not everybody thinks that a night spent alone is a curse, in fact some enjoy the idea of having space and time to read, watch Tv, play videogames, do whatever. As for not being polite leaving him on his own when he's out of town, and you would not do it to your guests,... it's one night out of two weeks ! I think that if your friends visited for two weeks, you might very possibly NOT be available each and every night and they would not give you a hard time for that..
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2013): You shouldn't feel bad, its not like you have to spend EVERY night with your boyfriend and im sure he'll be fine on his own
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust wanna add, this isn't a night to go clubbing or anything. This is literally a meal in a pub in the evening to catch up, so we won't be drinking heavily or doing anything like that :P
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