A
female
age
30-35,
*argentsgirl89
writes:I was going through my son's closet today and I found a box that has mementos from my son's biological father's funeral in it, we will call him "Cord"I don't know if I should show it to my fiance, we will call him "Michael" or if I should just hide it, I don't know what I should do with itCord was never there for my son as Michael has been and I think it would really hurt his feelings if I kept itIf my son wants information on his biological father I could always aquire that I guessShould I keep the box of momentos? Should I show it to Michael? I completely forgot it was there, I don't know what to doI don't want to hurt him, but I'm afraid my son will want something out of the box I guessPlease help?
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female
reader, svf  +, writes (18 March 2011):
 Sorry OP, I completely misunderstood the context of the question as I was reading through all the previous posts and when you said Michael "is a very good man, understanding and loving, just not when it comes to my son's bio father" I presumed wrongly. I've had a few false starts regarding that issue over the past decade (probably why I chose to remain single for 6 out of the past 9 years) probably didn't get the gist too well before your 2nd post came in.As to keeping everything for my daughter... yeah, I have..(!) I'm a very sentimental person! She has a box of beautiful necklaces, jewellery and pictures that were given to me by her father - she can't wait to wear them when she turns 18. I decided to keep it all for her when she was born, as they are truly beautiful pieces. And I know that all children love reading cards that were written between their parents, as it reaffirms that they were created in love.But I am sorry you had such a bad time with things and your past relationship was awful, I didn't realise it was only a card... I am so happy that you have a beautiful son and hope your partner and you work out.Good luck with everything. x
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female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (18 March 2011):
largentsgirl89 is verified as being by the original poster of the question svf-Wow. Well, I guess thank you for your input. I don't understand why you are keeping a keepsake box of things your ex has given YOU and not the things he has given your daughter.
When at any point did I say that he would make me throw anything out? This momento that I'm speaking of is a funeral card from my son's bio father's funeral, other than that I have nothing because he never gave my son anything. Ever. I think your scenario is different, you knew your father and have memories of him, my son will never have that because his father thought selling pills and having 14 yr old gf's was more important than getting a real job to support his son.
If my son does ask me about his biological father, I have no problem telling him anything he wants to know, showing him pictures, etc. I put the funeral card in his baby book and Michael agreed that that is what we should do. My fiance is not a jerk and did understand when I talked to him about the "box."
My son ALWAYS comes first, I can replace Michael, but I will not and never can replace my son.
Unconditional love is a term that means to love someone regardless of the loved one's qualities or actions. The paradigm of unconditional love is a mother's love for her newborn.
I don't believe in lying to my children for their sakes even if it is thought to do the right thing by them, it just leads to mistrust.
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female
reader, svf +, writes (18 March 2011):
I think throwing out any little keepsake from that box would be practically evil.... Sounds harsh. My father died the night before my 9th birthday and I had to go and live with my mother full time, she left my dad, sister and I when I was 5. My sister and I weren't allowed to mention my fathers name, etc (sound familiar - I can imagine a few little put down's going on about Cord between you and Michael). The only thing I had left was my lolly box and a Mcdonalds calendar and some toy's from happy meals, etc. I came home from school when I was 10 to find out that she had thrown out my little bag of keepsakes, she had found my hidden things. That was in 1981 and I still haven't forgotten the smell from that little lolly box or the pages from that McDonalds calendar, as it had his writing on it, he had written my name on the front.
Fast forward to 2002 and I got DUMPED by my boyfriend when I found out I was pregnant, same scenario, he accused me of sleeping around, told me to terminate, etc. I didn't and have had major court cases, etc since 2006 with him. To say I HATE his guts is an understatement. I lost my mortgage on my flat when I became a single mother, my friends, my social status when I had to go on welfare payments and suffered depression for 5 years. But my 8 year old daughter worships the ground her father walks on. I have kept EVERY little thing he bought for me, cards, presents, etc in a box FOR my daughter. She always asks to look through it and I show her. It makes her feel happy when I tell her how much I loved her daddy because he gave me her.... Yes I grit my teeth and bear it, but that is what a MOTHER does. It is called UNCONDITIONAL love.
Your fiancee sounds like a jerk, I don't care if he's been there since birth, etc. He needs to grow up and get over his stupid insecurities, understanding my foot - only understanding if he get's his way? For example, my partner now hates my ex as much as I do, but would never make me throw anything out of value to my daughter. That's just the type of man he is. His words are, she always comes first, because she is your daughter and I can never compare with her dad.
And to put it bluntly, my ex is truly alive and kicking, yet I keep a box of momentos for her. Your childs father is DEAD and you can't keep 1 tiny little token box because you don't want to upset your new guy!? I think you need to put your child first and not your boyfriend. Another thing, just say you and your fiance break up - will it have been worth it to have chucked out anything that sentimental for your son when you explain that your ex-boyfriend didn't want you to keep his father's things so you threw them out to keep him happy? How is your son going to feel towards you then?
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female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (17 March 2011):
largentsgirl89 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the answers (all of them). Michael is a very understanding and mature person, but not when it comes to this matter involving my son's "father".
My son is two years old and never knew his father. Ever. When I got pregnant he claimed the baby wasn't his and I slept around (I was a virgin at the time) and he told me to my face to find someone to help me raise "my" son because he sure as hell wasn't going to.
What type of "father" doesn't come see his own two month old son in the hospital when he has low oxygen and we were in there for a week? Michael came and I didn't ask him to.
Cord passed away in June of 09' because he got drunk at a party (he was eighteen at the time) and decided to go roof to roof instead of using the sidewalk and he fell off of a roof and broke several vertebrae in his neck.
My son has no memories of his biological father and the momentos in the box is a paper from Cord's funeral (the one they give out that has the order of the proceedings and such) I can't remember what it's called. The other momentos are from my mother's funeral (I'm keeping those).
I understand why some of you suggest keeping the box and not telling Michael, but I feel that keeping secrets isn't the best way to go in a relationship so I told him about the box.
Michael is a very good man, understanding and loving, just not when it comes to my son's bio father. I think that mainly stems from everyone telling him that he will never replace my son's father even though there was nothing to replace.
I've had to change my number four different times because Cord's family, who to my knowledge is using amphetamines, won't leave me alone. Always asking for favors and for me to let them take my son, even though they had barely any involvment in his life before Cord passed away.
Thank you for your answers, I do really appreciate them. I'm going to put the paper in one of his baby books and if he does ask about his bio father, I have no problem tellings him whatever he wants to know.
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female
reader, GettingHelp  +, writes (17 March 2011):
You know that you love Michael and feel like Cord was a bad father to your son. Hopefully Michael knows this.
But hopefully he knows that no matter what Cord is your son's biological father. And while Michael may be a better father figure - one day your son will have questions about his bio father.
Don't put yourself in a position where your son could blame you or be mad at you because you didn't keep one little box. Michael should be able to understand that keeping the box is about your son, not you or his father.
Keep it. Rather safe than sorry.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2011): I think you should keep the box. If Michael is as great as he sounds he is, I'm sure he will understand. Your son will most likely ask about him and may even learn from his fathers mistakes.
As far as Michael being hurt? I don't think that's a real possibility as he seems very mature and won't mind.
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male
reader, idoneitagain +, writes (17 March 2011):
You say you were going through your son's closet. Does the stuff belong to you or your son? Who was it given to? How old is your son?
It would be normal for your son to have a deep attachment to his biological father, and to keep mementos if they are important to him. If they are his, he can keep them. If they are yours, I would keep them on your son's behalf in case he wants them.
If your fiance has any feelings about your son's connection with his biological father, or any momentos, they are for him to deal with. Your son's feelings for his biological father are none of your fiance's business. In truth, he should understand that those momentos and your son's memories will most likely be important to him, but it doesn't mean your son loves your fiance any less. This is something your fiance will have to come to terms with in his own time, and if he is upset, that's ok, its part of that process that he has to deal with.
Good luck.
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male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (17 March 2011):
 Keep the box. No matter how deranged a man Cord was, he is still your son's biological father. If your son finds out one day, he can choose whether or not he wants to learn from his biological father's mistakes.
Your fiance should understand, he knows does about Cord and his whole family does he not? Wouldn't he understand? In my opinion, there really is no real reason here for Michael to feel offended. You could always try and ask him.
I hope that helps.
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female
reader, Manya +, writes (17 March 2011):
I would say, keep it, because your son hopefully will lead a very long life and at some point --he may need that box, and it is really all he has left of his father. He will wonder about his biological father, and it may help him in a way you cannot imagine now.
However, I would say, do not show it to your finace. You don't even have to mention it. I would put it somewhere, perhaps with a trusted relative, where it will be safe but not necessarily in your house.
I hope this answer helps. Manya
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reader, sebaslookingforward  +, writes (17 March 2011):
If I were your son and found out you threw that away, I would get mad, very mad. Do not hide it from your fiance, he has to understand that this box is special to you and your son. If he doesn't understand, then he won't understand other things as well, so he is not a good person. Im sure he will understand though
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