A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My ex broke up with me 2 days before I left for a big trip outside of the US to a third world country. It was pretty hard for me especially in light of me having to leave for a trip that I was already pretty nervous about. Both of us are in college--both the same major, same tentative plan after school, and both the president of our frat/sorority. The pressure the both of us had being presidents, school stuff, finals, jobs, and all of life's other small things that pop up started to really put a strain on us in the last month leading up to the break up. Things were simply just too busy and we really didn't have enough time to help the "strained-ness". The little time we did have was spent discussing the stress instead of utilizing the time to just have fun (a classic me move). Me being the girl I am put extra pressure on everything too because I never got to see him.. and at times, because of my own obligations got more of in the way. Because we are both weird/have OCD-type personalities, the week before we broke up we essentially made a plan to plan a break up if the weird/strained feeling didn't go away by the end of the semester (that next week).. I prompted this. Again, idiot move. We were going to try and spend as much time studying together (finals week) and seeing each other as we could and if things didn't get better we'd call it quits before I left for my trip. After a lot of "what were you thinking" conversations from my friends, the next day I told him that we should ditch that "plan" because it would only put more pressure on everything. He agreed and we didn't discuss much more of it. Things were okay and we spent as much time in the library together (what a place to make things better!) as we could during finals and actually managed to see each other a lot since we had a lot of studying to do. I thought things were fine and he acted like they were as well. After all of our exams were over he asked me if he could help me move out/pack for my trip so of course, I said yes. We ran a few errands before hand and on our way back to my house to make the move, he told me we needed to break up (in the car!!). It was very very odd! I was shocked because I thought he was fine.. we had hung out together the night before since we were done with our finals and he was very sweet and everything seemed great between us. He told me he didn't want me to leave for my trip and was just super nice. When he was breaking up with me he was pretty upset but still seemed pretty set in the decision. I just couldn't believe it! Nothing added up when taking into account his actions that week. He said that being 3 hours away from me this summer (he'll be in another state) and my trip out of the US will not make things any better on us and then next semester will be busier since he just got executive director of a huge community service project our university has. Part of me got angry because he knew all of these obligations from the beginning of our relationship and I said some things I didn't mean and one of our mutual friends (one of his fraternity brothers) told me he was pretty upset. Regardless of the breakup, I still have a lot of respect for him and think he is a great person and feel honored to have known him.. so I felt bad and knew I would regret those things later if I didn't make it right. So, the next day I sent him a quick text apologizing and made sure he was okay. Then, I asked him to use his heart and not his head (he's overly logical) and rethink everything. I told him when you find someone to share life with and someone you have a connection with you don't just give it up because that's the only thing that matters in life. It took him a while to respond and once we did, he apologized for the delay and said he thinks this is the best thing for now but that he doesn't know what the future will hold and will have to think about it since it's a lot to process so he didn't have a definitive answer now..and that he hoped I'd understand. That was all before I left on my trip and I haven't heard anything from him since. I just got back into the US Monday night and sort of hoped I would come home to a voicemail/text message asking if I made it home okay. But nothing. I feel like the ball is definitely in his court. It's just all so bizarre to me because he acted completely otherwise the days leading up to the break up. I also think it's weird that a person goes from telling me he can see me as his future wife and asking if I can see him as my future husband to breaking up with me and not speaking to me. He hid (did not untag) all the pictures of us from the profile picture bar thing on FB, hid his relationship status, and then disabled his wall. So weird! What's worse--his family is from an area that apparently got really hit with the tornadoes that happened last week. My mom sent him a "I hope you're okay" FB message while I was still on my trip and he never responded! It's just all VERY unlike him! Even if he wasn't meant to be in my life for a long time.. I just wish I could have had longer time..or a time where it wasn't so busy for the both of us. Isn't fair! Our relationship was amazing from the get go. He was very very romantic very sweet and just had a kind heart. He's the kind of person who always keeps his word and is just very respectful. I've never met anyone like him and what we had.. I've never had with anyone else. It was different. Perhaps that's because it was a more mature relationship ..I'm not sure. We dated around 4 months..so not very long but long enough to develop real feelings. We vacationed together for our spring breaks..just him and I. The trip was great! ..Finally got away from the busyness and obligations of our day to day lives. He even asked me how I wanted to be proposed to while we were on the trip. We're both 21 and will be in our senior year of our undergrad this August. Any advice? I'm back from my trip and just feel so unsettled by it all. I saw a lot of devastation there and then coming back to the reality of what's going on with him and I, I can't help but feel bummed out! Here in the US as young girls we often dream about growing up, falling in love, our wedding day, the family we'll one day have, and what our career will be like.. there, I have to wonder what they dream of. Is it falling in love, a family of their own, their career? Or is it what they'll eat, if they'll get to go to school, if they'll have enough money.. etc. From what I saw, it seems as if it's the latter. It makes me feel a little stupid for getting upset about not having a lot of time to spend with him. At least I got to have an experience with someone I liked and got to share feelings with someone. The people there don't seem to have that at all.. they just seemed very sad and lonely. It's been 4 weeks now since we've talked. Do I just give this up and chalk it up to a lesson learned/experience? Should I reach out to him
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 June 2011):
 Hm. Well, I'd say that you are feeling the need for some closure and understanding of what happened to end the relationship without much notice. You said you and he both had issues with OCD, I don't know much about how that would play into it but perhaps once he decided to end it, he just ended it without too much thought for your feelings?
You were together for 4 months and during a very busy and stressful time in your lives, so perhaps this is a contributing factor to it.
I could go on for ages guessing why he chose to do this the way he did, but perhaps you can find out for yourself, if you are able to reach him. It sounds like you'll be seeing him again in school before too long, so I expect then you'd be able to talk.
In the meantime, based on what you said about the tornadoes hitting his family, I think it's perfectly reasonable to reach out and say 'hey, I'm wondering how you are and hope everything is alright with you and your family.' Something like that. If he responds, you can then decide if you want to pursue the discussion. If he doesn't, then you know he's mentally moved on and for whatever reason, can't or won't talk to you about it. Maybe things got too heavy and he's afraid of your expectations of the relationship. Asking you how you want to be proposed to is a kind of a big tease, in a way, and maybe he realized he'd gone too far and didn't really mean to imply he was going to propose to you. There's me guessing again. I have no idea.
With low expections, reach out and see if you can make contact with him, but don't expect a tearful happy reconciliation, okay? He may still be maturing and growing up and doesn't realize how little you understand the 'why' for the breakup.
It's also possible he met someone else and chose to break up with you at the convenient moment of when you were leaving the country. Then he wouldn't have to stick around and explain. Again, me guessing.
Good luck to you and I hope you keep your global perspective and continue to grow and learn as you continue your education!
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