Do I give him another change or end it before I get hurt again?

A female age 30-35, *asper evelyn writes:

My boyfriend and I got together within a few days of meeting each other. I was blissful. He had recently broken up with a long term girlfriend who was his best friend. We were together a month and then he grew distant and i broke up with him. He cited that whilst he adored me and enjoyed my company, he needed to prove to himself that he could be on his own. He did not go near another girl or seem interested in anything apart from reclaiming his headspace for himself. We carried on effectively being together though as we lived in the same student accommodation. We slept in the same bed, still had sex and spent time together in first term. We saw each other over the month long xmas period too and he claimed to miss me a lot. When we got back to uni, he just wanted to hang out with the boys and they retreated into their own little clique so i didnt see him much. As a result of him withdrawing from me, I developed quite severe depression, lost a lot of weight and lost my bullish self esteem and self worth and became slightly needy, shrill and desperately lonely - compounded by outside factors such as already despising uni and being so far from my home and friends (i'll admit my personality is a little love me or hate me, my friends adore me but there are plenty of people who find me a bit bizarre, i;ve never been a popular girl though i've always had many strong friendships and strong relationships). despite there obviously not being anything between him and his ex, i developed an almost psychotic hatred for her and hated her coming to the house to the point of feeling physically sick if she came to the door. he went home for a while for family reasons and i was the only one who made regular attempts to go see him, to keep in touch from his friends from the house. we still spoke on phone or msn for much of the day, mostly with him initiating the conversation. but when he returned, he was distant with me still, flying between incredibly affectionate to barely noticing i was there. he's never been a sexual being, can easily live without sex so i knew he wasnt using me for that. then he got more affctionate with me so i started holding his hand in public again and in front of people who tended not to question our relationship. then he withdrew again and didnt tell me to get off or go away so when i finally pointd out that i couldnt live with him anymore, that he was hurting me and leaving me with no self worth or confidence, he said he had been thinking we woud be better off as friends. This left me in a black depression for weeks. My housemates would comment on how much he seemed to care about me but it didnt ring true as why wouldnt he want me to himself if he did. his answer was that he adored me but couldnt be in a relationship which just sounded trite. during this time he still hadnt looked at another girl or badmouthed me to anyone. also his friends made an unnatural amount of effort with me. we were also still living together. finally at the end of my tether, i agreed to go to a week long festival to take my mind off it. when i returnd i had heatstroke and he took care of me, came and stayed with me, told me he missed me and cuddled me all the time. i expected it to wear off but it didnt. a few weeks later, i kissed a mutual friend at a party, believin that making him jealous was impossibl and that i may as well try and move on. i found out he was incredibly hurt by this the next day, i apologised fo hurting him and explained mh reasons. he informed me that he had been jealous, did want me. that night a girl came onto him and he kissed her, brought her back to the house where she hung round ith all those guys the next day and slept in the bed with him though nothing sexual happened after them kissing in the club. i was devastated, refused to eat and ended up collapsing ( i have anaemia and my iron was low) he rang me incessantly at the doctors, texted me constntly to find out if i was okay and apologised again and again for hurting me, pointed out he would wouldnt do it again, it had been the only girl he had kissed apart from me the entire time we had kown ech other and would stay single for as long as it would take me to get over him. i lost a lot of trust in him then. during this time he got in troubkle with the uni for not authorising his family time and i had to appear in his defence. during this time it was my birthday and despite spending well over 50 hours on his defence, he didnt get me abirthday card togh he did make me a present. i told him this showed how little he thought of me when he finally presented me with the card i had bought for him to give to me over a month late. he cried,got upset and asked meback out. since then he appears blissful, cuddles me at very opportunity, sends me things, texts, calls and emails me constantly, has told me he loves me and hinted at us living together again in third year as i couldnt bear to live with him this coming one. however, despite hearin that h cars, seeing it, i find myself waiting for him to lose interest again, specially in sept when hes living with the boys and they can be cliquey and leave evryone out. he appears to love me but i keep remembering how horrible i felt, how left out and alone and rejected and wrthless. i remember all the times he aid he'd come up nd sleep in my bed with me but i'd wake up[ at 6am and he wouldnt be there. eight months this went on. and despite how lovely hes being and how much effort he seems to be putting in, i keep having nightmares where he runs off, keep imagining horrible scenarios like im preparing myself for them and chastising myself for letting my gurd down. i don even get o enjoy our honeymoon period now cos im so fraught that it won last. i dont know what to do. do i give him s proper chance or tell him i cant forgive him. i love him so much. but i need to get a grip on my mental health too. my friends have never met him but seeing how much i became a shell of myself, have refused to meet him also.

View related questions: best friend, broke up, confidence, his ex, jealous, kissing, move on, msn, period, self esteem, text

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A female reader, princess_grace  +, writes (3 August 2009):

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