A
female
age
41-50,
*hiannon3
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for two years. We have a child together. When I was pregnant he told me that I better get the weight off after delivery. He said “fat girls don’t get love”. So I did it. I lost all the baby weight within 11 months after delivery. I work full time, have 3 kids and still did it to make him happy. Now I’m really into the gym. Last week he told me that if I lost anymore weight he would dump me. That my ass was mushy and my arms too thin. They I didn’t turn him on as much. That he wanted thick thighs and ass. Mind you, he ya a “Big guy”. I’m not comfortable like that. I’m am 5’3 weigh 129. I’m toned and proud of myself. It hurts me that he tells me this and now has given me an ultimatum. Do I get thick just because he wants or please myself? He says he won’t be a “life partner” with me if I don’t gain weight. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (12 October 2019):
 I agree with the aunts that have said that you're being abused.
The fact that you've managed to lose the weight is such an accomplishment and you should be so incredibly proud of what you've done thus far. He's managed to undermine what you've done and actually turn it around and make it a bad thing when it has made you feel so good about yourself and so accomplished. There are many people who would never be able to do what you've done, given the fact that you're a very busy mom of 3. He has managed to reduce your hard work to nothing.
He has no right to ask you to do that and you don't owe him anything. You definitely should NOT gain weight. There's a bigger issue here that that's chipping away at you and this is that you're being emotionally abused by this man. He gave you an ultimatum because he's selfish, talks to you like you aren't the incredible woman that you are and has the audacity to make you choose between him and your health and wellness. He isn't worth sacrificing your happiness. You seem really happy and you seem content with your life (apart from him). Anyone that can ask you to give up the good parts of yourself and make you feel bad for doing what's good for you, is a horrible person whom doesn't have your best interest at heart.
You need to go back to the ultimatum that you were given and you need to make a choice: CHOOSE YOU. Choose you over him. That's what this all comes down to. Do you live him enough to give yourself up? Do you want someone like him to be the negative voice that the kids will one day mistake as their own?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2019): Accept his ultimatum and say goodbye to bad news and start enjoying who you are, without the need for validation off one of life's losers.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (31 August 2019):
 No no no. Bad idea.
Right now you are at the high end of the good weight for a 5'3'' woman. As a matter of fact, just looking at the numbers, you'd stand to lose a few more pounds, but, of course, being that you are very active in the gym , it may also be that most of your weight comes from muscles , not from body fat , so ,lookswise, you'd be great also with 10 pounds more or so. BUT! ( and note that I am not fat-shaming anybody, beauty comes in all different sizes ) you are over 40 and healthwise, literally you want to be
" light on your feet " if you can. Any extra weight , sooner or later, and some times sooner rather than later, is gonna catch up ,in time, with your joints and cartilages and mess them up. Particularly if you are a sporty person . A friend of mine, more or less your size, so not thin but definitely not thick either , and an avid runner since many years, - had to have both kneecaps operated because of the wear and tear due to that little extra weight , and we are really talking about a little .
I had problems too, because I suffer from bouts of tendinitis, - I got the dancing bug when I was at my chubbiest , and mind you, I really mean chubby, not huge, but in time I sort of micro-frayed one of Achille's tendons and now , occasionally, it may act up , even if long time ago I switched to non-aerobic, low impact, slow paced kind of dances.
In short : if you gain some weight naturally, OK,fine, it's not the end of the world, you don't need to be obsessed about it.
But, if you are at a weight that works for you, lookswise and healthwise, why o why changing that. For a man ?? Even husbands do not grant that much stability nowadays:) ,but boyfriends ? Boyfriends may come and go, very rapidly , easily and casually. You may find yourself all of a sudden, thick thighed, thick-butted … and single, on the waiting list for hip replacement too !
Btw, " He's a big guy " is generally code for : he is a walking wobbly tub of lard. Hold him to the same fitness , shape and desirability standard to which he holds you. Tell him that you'll stop losing weight when he STARTS losing some and gets himself from a walking tub of lard to an average human being size.
Finally, based on this weight issue, you may want to start considering if and how much you two are really compatible long- term. I know that I am doing a lot of reading between the lines, and maybe I am reading all wrong, anyway : if you lost the baby weight in 11 months, this means the child you had with this guy is at least 11 months, probably more. You also say that you have been together 2 years, so that basically means you got pregnant right away . You had barely met and you were already sort of forced by the circumstances to become an instant family. You did not have the time to know each other well, and / or to let feelings take roots, so probably the connection was based purely on physical attraction. Which, at least from his side, in lack of more solid bases, was based only or mostly on the way you looked, a certain , specific way you looked. Slim but with chunky thighs . ( ? It does not sound too proportionate to me, but hey, there's no accounting for tastes ). But if you are not able / willing to reproduce that specific body shape- then there's no love for you to receive. Uhm. Are you sure that, given the premises, you want to stay in this relationship ? Are you sure you CAN ?
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female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (31 August 2019):
 This is not only about weight but control and abuse. It comes across as he is the master and you his puppet. His attitude towards you is down right ugly! You were not put on this earth for that kind of loving honey. My suggestion is to keep that toned little bod that you have worked so hard to get and be the apple of someone else eye. He just sounds so childish and bloody well jealous of your beauty.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (30 August 2019):
Why would you put up with this douche? You need to dump this creep. Yesterday.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (30 August 2019):
 Well, I hope he looks like Brad Pitt, given his demands on YOU. I have a feeling he doesn't though.
I have a question: why do you have such low self esteem that you allow him to dictate to you in this way?
He knows the way to control you is to make you feel insecure, to make you feel that you need to EARN his love. You should NEVER have to EARN someone's love, especially by gaining or losing weight.
Sweetheart, you are worth so much more than this. In your shoes, I would walk away and let him find someone else who is prepared to put up with his ridiculous demands. If you cannot do this, then at least stick up for yourself and tell him to go and kiss your shapely bottom.
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A
female
reader, KeW +, writes (30 August 2019):
 Hi there,
I'm sorry, OP, but this is abuse. He is demanding you potentially harm your body to please him. "Lose weight". "Gain weight". It's all about him controlling you and his fears about others being attracted to you. He doesn't love you and you deserve much better. If you stay with him, you will be rock bottom for a long time.
When people change their bodies, it's important that they're doing it with a clear, sound mind and medical advice to make sure it's safe for them. Also, losing weight is almost always harder than gaining it - so you may find yourself struggling to get rid of it again if you gain it back.
Unfortunately, you've had a child with a relatively new partner and that partner happens to be abusive. You need to show your child (and your other children) that his behaviour is not acceptable. You may find that, if your child with him is a daughter, he will push this abusive behaviour on to her when she's older too. That's why you need to make a stand now, before you're in a worse state.
Speak to a lawyer about child support and visitation. Document his comments because he may need supervised visits to avoid emotionally abusing your child in the coming years.
Why would you want a man who gives you ultimatums about what to do with your own body?
Please don't allow your children to witness their mother taking abuse. It can scar them even if you think they don't notice it.
Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2019): Your body isn't modeling-clay! You've had three kids, you're over 40, and you can't simply morph into anything he tells you to!
Place your heart on pause, and default over to your common-sense!
How much love are you getting when somebody talks to you like that? Who the hell does he think he is? What's the matter with you that you would allow someone to treat you like that???
Here's some tough-love and advice from a fatherly-perspective.
Take it or leave it!
Nobody should have to tell you when you've gotten yourself into a bad-situation. It speaks for itself. Do you have to have a man so badly that you'll nearly kill yourself to please him? Only for him to turn right-around and raise the bar even higher?
Your body is limited by age and genetics. You may not be able to get a thick bum and thighs. He said he won't love you unless you're this or that. Look what you've done for him already, and he's still not pleased. Okay now...what does logic tell you? Make your heart shut-up, it talks total foolishness! This has nothing to do with love. It's vanity and his stupidity!
You had a baby for a total wingnut! If he was going to be a "life-partner;" he would have married you before knocking you up! Now he's dangling a carrot that will always be out of your reach!
Again, use your common-sense! Stop giving-in to someone who is so heartless he can tell you he won't love you unless your body looks a certain way. You body can't take the physical-stress of constant weight-changes. It will shut-down!
So what are your demands in-return, since you'd even consider doing what he's asking you to do? Does he earn bucket-loads of cash? Would he cross a desert for you? Is he father of the year? Do your parents and family love him? What in the world makes him worth it???
Guys who treat women like that are usually scumbags..."but she loves him!" Oh, how that cliche-response frosts my cookies and shivers my timbers!
What are you going to do if you can't look the way he wants you to look? You could injure or cripple yourself. You wouldn't be doing it for yourself! Who do you think you're fooling? It's all about pleasing him! When will you be good enough? If he loved you, he'd love you for who you are; and no matter how nature decides to change you.
I'm a fitness-buff myself. I go to the gym. I know what cards age, genetics, and nature have dealt me. I do it for health benefits; and I can't lie...I like to look good too! Looking-good is a side-benefit, not my main motivation. I'm well over 40! Let's be real here, girlfriend! I live in this body. What I do for it, or with it, is just for me. Love it, or leave it!
Now you've got 3 kids, and you're mostly worried about being left to fend for yourself; so it's uncertain whether you'll heed our good advice. Considering the fact you did write for it, I think you might! I hope with all my heart, you will!
In your case, the best advice will probably come from other women. You still need to hear it from a man, to snap you out of it! You need both a gentle-touch of women; and a fatherly awakening to make you think.
Stay in shape for the sake of health and well-being. Do it with moderation and be sensible. Be a healthy mom for your babies; and stay fit for strength and vitality. Not because some asshat of a man threatens to leave you! He's issuing lofty-ultimatums, because he is going to leave you anyway. He's setting goals he hopes you can't meet; so he can dump you, and leave you as a struggling single-mother. I promise you, he'll keep raising the bar, and you won't be able to meet it. He'll run you into the ground.
The fact you wrote a post is an indication common-sense shoved your heart aside; and now you need some outside support. Well, you've got me on your side! Here comes the rest of us! I recommend you get your legal-ducks in a row for your child-support. You can have thick thighs and junk in your trunk, and that lowlife is going to walk-out of your life anyway!
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