A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:So, I need some advice after accepting my bf's marraige proposal because I'm not sure if I've made a bad decision :(Been together 2 years, he's been pushing to live together for 1 year, I've held off til the last few months and now feel ready to move in, although my gut feeling is he wants this for his own financial gain as he is struggling with paying his bills/rent living on his own, whereas I'm not. I have reservations about moving in as I already feel he's becoming a bit complacent in the relationship and that this would worsen if we live together. He assures me we would still make time for 'date nights' but I'm not convinced by him, as I'm the one who makes all the suggestions for things to do already, whereas he's happy to sit at home watching DVDs together which I find quite dull.He asked me to marry him out of the blue, and I was shocked. He's mentioned being married for over a year, and I've always told him marriage is not something that interests me. So, when he asked me, I didn't know what to say at first. He looked so anxious, and had been to so much effort (buying a ring, making us a picnic) that I said yes. Don't get me wrong, I love him and would like us to be together for ever, but I just don't see myself being married. He talks about planning our wedding in 2 years' time, and I have no interest, his conversations just make me feel panicky. On the other hand, for some stupid reason that makes no logical sense, having his ring on my finger does make me feel a little more secure and like he is a little more committed to me...yet I know it's no guarantee of faithfulness really :(Part of the problem is I don't 100% trust him, as he was sexting another girl 5 months into our relationship (I discovered this by answering his phone at his request late one night). I feel like, at the time, our sex life was great, we were still in the honeymoon phase, yet he still sexted someone else. 11 months in, he was 'flirting' with a girl on facebook, and I found out through a mutual friend. Nothing has happened since, as far as I know, and we did have a long chat about boundaries in our relationship.... I guess I feel that if he is capable of thrill-seeking elsewhere when things were fresh and exciting between us, there's a high chance he'll do it should we live together/be married. I've told him this, and he gets upset, says he learnt from his mistakes, that I need to forget about the past and let us move on to a happy future. Our sex life is still pretty good, he tells me I'm the best sexual partner he's ever had. We have lots of shared interests, and can talk to each other about anything.All in all, I love him and care about him very much, and can't imagine him not being in my life....but, I'm not sure I want marriage. So, do I carry on as I am, avoiding discussing it with him and hoping we have a life long engagement with no actual wedding, or do I call off the engagement because I don't actually want to be married, or what??Thanks for helping.x
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (9 October 2012):
 When I met my husband, he did not want to get married and I was fine with that... over the course of the first year together he changed his mind... why? because although he still believes marriage is not necessary he fell in love with me enough to want that security and commitment.
IF you don't trust him and don't want to marry him you should not string him along.
sometimes when things are early on in a relationship folks don't feel the commitment to be true and faithful, it's not about not cheating when things are young and fresh... because that may be when they don't feel committed...
it's about staying true and faithful when the kids are sick, the dogs puking on the rug, someone got laid off and the bills are needing to be paid... that's actually what love is about..
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (9 October 2012):
 Its wrong to string him along and even though you are in a relatively comfortable space with him right now, you have to think about the future, both yours an his. Be realistic OP, you cant be engaged forever, is that really what you would want? And is that even fair to the guy?
I know you feel like your stuck in this place with him which is not entirely ideal but is comfortable all the same and you're hesitant to take a decision because that would mean disturbing the dynamics of the present. But you know what, don't shy away from taking a decision and breaking up with him because that would probably be for the best. Maybe one day you will come across someone who you want to marry and your boyfriend will meet someone who wants to marry him.
I dont see you two being right for each other and in such a scenario its best to part ways as soon as you realize that its not working out and neither will it ever, than stay and drag it out and waste time.
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A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (8 October 2012):
 Well you need open communication with him, you can't have a good relationship without communication. So if you feel like you don't want marriage, tell him so. If you feel like you may change your mind one day but know that right now you don't want marriage, tell him that also. Everything on your mind, say it. It benefits no one to hold these fears inside. This is what he is there for, why you are in a relationship, to share your deepest feelings and have someone there for you who understands you. If you don't have that then why be with him?
Plus you did say you told him early on you didn't want marriage so it shouldn't be a shock. Personally I wouldn't be with him at all after the sexting incident in addition to the financial problems, big problems for someone you plan to marry. But these are all your choices and if you trust him then live with him. Just don't continue the charade of talking about marriage as if you are interested when you are screaming inside. Tell him how you really feel. Do you think you would be more open to marriage if it felt right with someone else or have you always been against marriage? I ask because I wonder if your gut is telling you it isn't right.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2012): You are asking us if you should not get married because you don't want to get married?
I can't think of a better reason.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (8 October 2012):
 The marriage benefits him more than it benefits you. Even if you don't get married, you still share financial responsibilities together once you become common law. You have to check with your city to see what the law looks like so you can protect your assets. Basically, the advise is not to live with anyone who has trouble paying bills. I have no respect for men who sexts someone else while in a relationship. I don't know how you could let this issue go. I think you should call off the engagement, but be prepared that he would do something to upset you. For example, his sexting will increase. You will just have to slowly detach yourself from his life and then completely, because he will find sneaky ways to suck you back in.
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