A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been seeing this girl for 4 months now and things have been great. I knew she had an x-boyfriend, as most people do by your early 20’s, but when she spoke of him it was never that she longed for him, there was mostly resentment for the way things ended. He is in the Army and was moving from place to place while she was at college and at home, so he felt it was not right to have a long distance relationship with her so they broke it off. Only a few months after they broke up he admitted to her he now has a girlfriend that he is seeing long distance. As you could imagine that made her mad, upset, confused but most of all she questioned why she wasn’t good enough for him to keep long distance. From what she has told me, and what I’ve seen, he is not interested in being with her. Here is where my dilemma began. One Saturday night while she was out with friends she was texting me as she usually does asking me what I was doing and how she misses me and would rather be with me than out. But there was a turn in the night which she stopped texting me and all around stopped responding to the cute type messages she always loved and responded to. I let it go, but the next day she seemed very distant but again I let it go until finally the following day I asked her what’s wrong? She told me she was feeling down about work/life in general. She has depressive tendencies so it wasn’t out of the question, but her behavior was different. I asked her if it had anything to do with me or if she no longer wanted to see me, but she said that was not the case and she just needed some time to herself. A few days went by and I kept my distance but sure enough she came running back as her usual self wanting to just be with me as much as possible. I thought maybe it was just a short lived phase but clearly it stuck with me in my mind. I have had problems with an xgirlfriends xboyfriend before and therefore I cab be paranoid. Up until this point I never thought about looking at her phone but something came over me and I decided to look through it. Sure enough I found a conversation between her and her X starting at 2AM on that Saturday night she started acting strange. He told her he was single and coming home the following weekend and proceeded to ask her if she was still seeing me in which she replied “Nope”. When I read this I could not believe it because that was never the case. The conversation went on to say what are your plans next weekend, lets see each other to catch up, honestly nothing sexual or inappropriate but still nerve racking for me. Anyway, the next text must have been in the morning from him, saying sorry for the misunderstanding but I was drunk and meant I was single for a few weeks, but now I’m back with my girlfriend so now we cannot meet up and you must delete my number. She got upset and first said you’re the one that contacted me the last two times but also said she had hoped they could talk and that she’s not interested in hooking up with him but because she just wants to talk about the fight they had the last time they spoke and get some closure. She went on to tell him that her and I were back together working it out, and I’m pretty sure they never met up when he came home because for the most part she was with me and on top of it he didn’t seem interested in seeing her.Although things were getting back to normal between her and I there was still something going on, so finally I asked her whats going on with us? Obviously knowing the information I knew, I led her into admitting what really happened those few days she was acting strange. She admitted everything except that she told him she was no longer seeing me. I didn’t expect that to come out just yet. She told me about how hurt she was by him not because she wants to be with him but because he was a support system for her for a few years when her life wasn’t going so well and when he started seeing this new girl he cut off all ties with her and it made her feel like another person had died in her life. I was sympathetic to her and very understanding, although I was hurt, I already knew the information and the fact that she was telling me the truth made me feel a lot better and she ended up falling in love with me from that moment. I could see it in her eyes and the way she just wanted to be with me. But unfortunately the memory of my last girlfriend and the troubles I had with her xboyfriend is too much for me to just ignore. I can’t get over the fact she told him she was no longer with me, because I can’t imagine there is any other explanation for why she would say that to him other than she had a glimmer of hope that maybe they would get back together and that finally he realized she was good enough for him. I attempted to get her to admit to me she still had feelings for him and that when he texted her and said he was single (which she told me about) she may have had the slightest hope something would happen but she didn’t bite. She began crying asking me why I keep digging her about this and that she just wants to move on with her life and be with me. But I don’t want to be with a girl that is only with me because she can’t be with a person she can’t have. At this point she will not admit to anything of the sort and right now knows I’m still concerned about it, but does not know I looked through her phone. Its tearing me up inside and I don’t know if I should just move on and forget what I saw and most likely her and I could have a pretty good relationship for the near future. She is a good a girl and not the type to go out and get guys numbers and all that. I guess the biggest issue was her X and he is far away, uninterested in her and has a girlfriend of his own. Do I tell her what I know and what I did, invading her privacy, which I am not proud of, which in that case run the risk of a break up. How she will react to the fact I looked at her phone, I don’t know, and then if she even still cares to stick around how will she explain what she said to him. Like I said, I know her and I could have a good relationship if I could put this behind me, but I don’t want to put myself in another compromising situation where I’m ignoring what I’ve seen in hopes this girl really comes around to just wanting to be with me. Because if in a few months this guy breaks up with his girl and comes home wanting to see her, how will she react then.. she tells me she reacted this way because it was the first time she had heard from him since the fight and it won’t be like this again.. but she doesn’t know that I know what she said to him, pretty much disregarding me as anything important and willing to make a fool of me for the slim chance to be with him again. This is my dilemma and I’ve been contemplating telling her everything and just getting it out there in hopes we are able to be honest with each other and then decide where each of us want to go from there. Saying its time to just move on to newer girls is easier said than done when I know there could be something really good here.
View related questions:
a break, broke up, drunk, get back together, has a girlfriend, long distance, move on, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2011): "He told her he was single and coming home the following weekend and proceeded to ask her if she was still seeing me in which she replied “Nope”."Which wasn't true."She admitted everything except that she told him she was no longer seeing me."Which is telling him that she is available to him when he gets back in town."I already knew the information and the fact that she was telling me the truth"She wasn't though. Truth is, you are rebound, and she's not over this guy who is a piece of work who dumped her."I know what she said to him, pretty much disregarding me as anything important and willing to make a fool of me for the slim chance to be with him again."Exactly....except she [probably wasn't intentionally trying to make a fool of you. She was just wanting him to want her, and if he wanted her then that would help her get over the heartbreak of being dumped by him for another woman.So, tell her the truth, and tell her why you kept digging. Don't continue the charade that you are engaging in. Be open and lay it all out there. You need to realize something, she dumped you that night, but never told you, and dumped you for the chance to be with someone who dumped her.She isn't over this guy by a long march, and she's got problems with self esteem, and you have a big problem because you like her and know you are not who she wants.She needs to move on, find out what she wants, and learn to treat the next guy as something more than a rebound if she wants a long term relationship.
A
male
reader, GhostChild  +, writes (7 October 2011):
 Hi,I understand your pain and paranoia. If you've had trouble with exes from your past relationship, it's only natural to expect similar trouble in future relationships, and its understandable to be uneasy about her and her ex too.She sounds like a really good girl and you could have a great relationship with her, but a relationship is also built on trust. You have to be able to trust each other and what you both say. That means you can't go through her phone, regardless of how paranoid or afraid you may be. It was wrong of her to tell her ex that she was single, perhaps she panicked and it just came out or perhaps she had been drinking a little bit since you said that she had been out with friends that night. Not that that makes it alright. But it sounds like she regrets saying that to him, and it sounded like she was pretty firm in saying no to him when he wanted to meet up. That's something that you should focus on and think about, she had an opportunity to go and see her ex boyfriend, but she stood her ground and said no. That means she no longer wants to see him, and she's also loyal to you.My advice is to forget what you saw in her phone and trust what she says to you. If you tell her that you went through her phone and start interrogating her some more, that will only cause much more strain on your relationship and she'll feel like you've broken her privacy.You have to take your mind off of your paranoia and her ex, this is a new relationship for the both of you and you can't enjoy it if you're suspicious of her. Just trust what she says and enjoy your time together :)Hope I've helped!
...............................
A
female
reader, mashftw +, writes (7 October 2011):
It sounds like for the most part she is being honest with you. The way he broke up with her... she had no sense of closure at all. If he texted her then it's her natural reaction to want to speak about what happened and why he did it and chances are if she said she was with you, he wouldn't have opened up. Which doesn't make it right but in a way she deserves closure and she definitely deserves a lot better than he had treated her. What she did was wrong but everyone makes mistakes right?She's told you that all she wants to do is move on and she told you that her reaction was purely because he was a support structure... She is in love with you it seems and something like this is a very controversial subject. Ever heard of an eye for an eye? You looked at her messages without her permission, you're also in the wrong. And telling her that you looked at her messages is entirely up to you but in my opinion it wouldn't be the best thing to do. She told you the truth about everything and she most likely kept the other part secret because she wants to forget about it and doesn't want to hurt you. If you really love this girl and think telling het the truth will help, then do it. But as she said, she wants to move on from this. So she's given you the option to move on.. why linger on something like this when you could be making her love you even more?For future reference though, you should be telling her about your past relationship problem and how you had feared it'd be similar with your relationship with her. And be sure to tell her that's why you were so uneasy about the subject of her ex boyfriend. Doing this will make her feel you trust her and that you are being honest. As for the invasion of privacy, just forget about it all okay? Because it seems this guy won't be entering her life again. Just do what you feel is right, right for you mostly. Best of luck, and keep posted okay? Always here to help.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2011): You both are hiding things. You both only being as honest with each other as is convenient to be.She's lying about essentially casting you aside for her ex. And you are lying about knowing that.And as long as these two secrets remain in your lives, it will tear anything good you had or could have to pieces. YOU will always wonder and SHE will always sense that reserve. And it will all crash around you until it comes out when you have an argument at some point.It's best to come clean, sit her down and tell her why you are so nervous about all of this and tell her you only snooped because of a sudden shift in her behavioural patterns had you worried and that you would expect her to do the same if your positions are reversed.Then tell her that being cast aside so casually in favour of her ex hurt you, and that for her to come back and pretend she never told her ex you had broken up is beyond any kind of pain she can feel at having her phone looked at.This could break it all. But having all these feelings out in the open allows you both to deal with them as opposed to just locking them away in the vain hopes they go away on their own (this almost never happens).Best of luck, mate.Flynn 24
...............................
|
