A
female
age
36-40,
*ujuBee
writes:I'm a 20-year-old female with a 29-year-old male. I've always been in long term relationships with very frequent sex that I was normally initiating so i suppose I'm not even sure if this is abnormal.As a little background, we work about 35 a week a piece, I go to school full time, and we have a 6-year-old from his last relationship full time. Aside form very minor typical problems we have no financial woes or family issues (barring the absence of his sons mother, but its no new problem).Okay, initially, like most couples, we had sex four or five times a day. I'm not expecting anything like that but within a couple of months the number decreased to about every two weeks. I'm sexually adventurous and though he's not particularly i don't crave much out of the norm: short, satisfying romps are fine with me. =)I've always been very open and honest about it while trying not to "harp" on him. I'm not terribly subtle about making advances but I have also tried being more seductive but he just seems bothered either way. I bought a couple of toys and have tried giving him extra attention. He's never angry, it just feels like I'm trying to take him away from whatever he's doing, regardless of how trivial (computer games, counting money, etc.) and then I feel even more stupid and unattractive. On the rare ocassion that we're under the influence we do nothing but have sex for hours until we fall asleep exhausted while he laments about not showing me enough affection and how he'd forgotten how good it is.I could easily have sex every day happily but I'd be absolutely satisfied by a couple of times a week. As a little background, we work about 35 a week a piece, I go to school full time, and we have a 6-year-old from his last relationship full time. Aside form very minor typical problems we have no financial woes or family issues (barring the absence of his sons mother, but its no new problem).Is it the age difference? How often do people usually have sex? Is twice a month the average desire for a 29-year-old man?
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female
reader, JujuBee +, writes (5 December 2007):
JujuBee is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe've been together for about two years. I do think that there is an element of his wanting to "be the aggressor;" i've noticed that when i'm more distant and distracted he becomes a bit more affectionate but the sex still isn't there.
thanks for your input, everyone!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2007): for men, it is lot harder to have sex at this amount per day.men may have larger desires for sex (usually) but is far more exhausting due to the energy needed for climax. women have the gift of being able to orgasm several times per day, but for men, once a day is hard enough.He may have been trying to please you to start with but yes, age difference means that older men find it harder work. there is no AVERAGE as such, as people have different sex drives. men often enjoy the pleasure say, once a day, whereas women do not get as much enjoyment.People have sex when both feel the desire, but remember, relationships are far more than just sex!
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (4 December 2007):
 I do see a difference in libido, but it seems you're handling this the right way. Instead of simply nagging, you ask around what people think.
I don't want to sound vulgar or blunt or whatever, but perhaps you wore him out :-). I don't think he finds you unattractive or whatever. Quite the opposite; I don't think anyone would have been so willingly involved with you if you were unattractive. And I'm even more sure he doesn't find you stupid.
Perhaps he just thinks that he's had enough for now. You say you could be happy with sex two or three times a week. If you give him time, his drive will return, and you will sort of "stabilize" at the point that is right for him. Maybe it won't be once a day, but, you two will manage.
Perhaps a good way to bring his interest back is ro wait for him a little while and work on the quality of your intercourse, rather than the quantity.
And, finally, in your first sentences you give a hint that perhaps you question the normalcy of your libido. Libido varies from person to person and culture to culture. The average that birdynumnums gives for her culture (I assume her statistics are for Canada) would not be representative of other countries. I don't remember the figure, but I do know that different cultures have different opinions on what is "normal". Rather than worrying about whether this is normal, think whether it causes you trouble with the man you love.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (4 December 2007):
 As far as I know, 4-5 times a day is a large amount, even in the beginning (I love to read statistics)! The average amount is 2-3 times a week. You both have a pretty busy schedule and that could affect your sex life, but don't be discouraged. It sounds like you might be stuck in a bit of a rut. It sounds like he's nested into your home and into his routine. Maybe joining an outside group of some kind - Salsa dancing? Rock-climbing? If the child is living with you, perhaps a sitter and date night (get him away from his computer). Book a vacation for the two of you and a few long-weekends too, "A change is as good as a rest". You also need to make sure that he knows you are not satisfied with the lack of sex right now, but don't nag or say it in a demeaning way, men are very touchy about their sexual prowess. But, having said that, he has to be open and communicate with you about your sex life. You have to be on the same page here, your sex life is important to both of you and it is vital to any relationship. There is usually a bit of difference in libidos between most couples, and how you handle it is the important thing. Perhaps he isn't happy with how you initiate sex all the time, he may want to be the aggressor once in a while. You won't know until you discuss it. It's also very hard on the ego and discouraging to be the one who is being turned down. It's more usual that it is the working wife and mother who is too exhausted for sex, not the husband. Is he feeling overwhelmed about raising his son, perhaps? Is there any reason for him to be depressed? Men get very tied up with their jobs, has he been passed over for a promotion recently? I'm not sure about the *counting his money thing*, but if it's job related, this might be relevant. My husband has always said - "If you can't get your job done between the hours of 8-5, then you're not doing your job right". Everyone needs some regular, daily 'down-time'. Office work should not be brought home on a regular basis, it kills your home-life. Once in a while, sure, but not as a regular routine. I'm just thowing out ideas in case one of them strikes a chord with you. If you wanted another way to encourage him and show him that you are interested, I heard about one couple who took the pressure off of themselves by having a signal that they used. There were a pair of statues, a lady and a man, on the mantle in their home. Whenever one of them was feeling a bit frisky, they would lay the statue down, kind of like a little naughty clue! As far as the age difference goes, men are usually at their peak at 18 and women at 35 (not exactly what you would call intelligent design). Hope something here was of help and best of luck.
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A
male
reader, PhilManco +, writes (4 December 2007):
 Well, I'm a 28 year old man. My girlfriend (also 28) and I have been involved for a little over a year and we tend to have sex 5 to 8 times a week. We both work 40+ hours a week. I also attend grad school. Neither of us have any children. I don't know if that's average, though. We both have pretty high sex-drives and I think we'd be doing more if we had more time off or more time together.I'm not sure how much help you're going to get from knowing the "average desire" of a 29 year old, though. Everybody's different, so who's to say that number will have any significance to your situation?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2007): I'd say a couple of times a week would be more like it, but everybody has differing needs.
The average desire for a 29 year-old man? Difficult to say, but certainly more than twice a month.
Phil
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