A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:About four months ago a guy I knew from years ago became friends on facebook. We have mutual friends and I live abroad and he lives in my hometown.Immedtiately in becoming friends he told him he was separated from his wife and that he had a daughter but he wanted to take me on a date when I was returning for a short visit.What happened next was endless flirting messages on a daily basis for about a month then a week before my return he sent me a message saying he wasn't ready to date it wouldn't be fair on his family and I was his first attempt at dating. I wrote I understood. Then leaving him for a few days he wrote back saying could we meet up with some mutual friends, we did and he kind of left early saying he had another appointment. After a few weeks I instigated the conversation saying I liked him and would like to see him again. He said he liked me very much but he wasn't ready for a relationship and the fact I lived abroad he guessed I wasn't looking for one and that he makes a terrible boyfriend.Cuttinga long story short we went on a date all was good and then another date and I stayed over and we had sex.I asked him if I could see him again before I left to return abroad he said probably but he had a lot going on.We messaged each other a bit but I could see I was initiating it and we never got to see each other before I left in fact my last message to him was asking him if I was wasting my time and he never replied. He never even said goodbye. Why after all this? I do go back home regularly. He also told me is wife is very horrible with him and if she found out about us she would stop him from seeing his daughter. Can you tell me if I pushed him too much or did he get what he wanted? We are still friends on facebook.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (13 September 2014):
 You write: ...Can you tell me if I pushed him too much or did he get what he wanted? We are still friends on facebook."
1. He got what he wanted ("a little on the side"...YOU!),
2. You pushed hard enuf for him to get what he wanted.... but not sufficiently hard so that you didn't get "left out in the cold"... whilest he went back to his wife and continued his life....
3. WHY would you remain "friends on Facebook" with this guy who took advantage of you?????
Good luck..
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 September 2014):
 It's not that you " deserved " to be ignored , as in : oh you bad bad girl, you have done something wrong and now you " deserve " to be punished with silence.
It's that, the signs were all there that the most probable outcome was going to be this. The writing on the wall was in big fluorescent letters. He basically as much as TOLD you : I am going to play once or twice, then be done with you.
Only , you could not see it, and I guess you still cannot see it . Why ? because of the " chase " ?
First, it's not that big of a chase, to chase through a few lines of email, or text. It helps passing time , for a lot of people.
Second, if one wants to get something, they've got to go after it, don't they - they've got to chase. But, it depends what they are after. If it is a night of fun and frolic , once they've got it, game over, - no point in dragging things on.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (13 September 2014):
 Just want to add to your update..
No, you don't deserve to be ignored, but it's not surprising that he chose to do just that instead of acting like a mature grown man.
And maybe? It IS better to not try and keep in touch after this?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (13 September 2014):
I am not sure what it is you can't understand. The GUY isn't divorced (which means STILL MARRIED) He told you SEVERAL times that he ISN'T looking to date, yet you pushed it hoping he would change his mind once you bedded him?
I don't see him using you. I see YOU not wanting to hear what he said. Someone tells you:
1. I'm separated (then HE is still married BY law) and no amount if evil and mean wife makes him any less married. Even if he lives apart from her, HE IS STILL married. A guy who is "separated" shouldn't be dating, because in terms of commitment he has NOTHING to offer. You might ask why? Because he is STILL married.
2. If a guy says I like you, but I'm NOT ready or able to date you. Then he CAN NOT DATE you. Or rather he will NOT date you. He isn't playing "hard to get". So either cut and run or stay friends.
I have to agree that I can't see why the "soon-to-be-ex-wife" would CARE about him sleeping or seeing another woman, and legally she has NO right to keep the child from him. That was a CONVENIENT excuse to stop talking to you. My evil wife won't "let" me....
I'm sorry, the guy is a douche-canoe and you are either a little naive or you are just ignoring the red flags because you liked the idea of this fella and who he USED to be.
In the future pay attention to what's going on before jumping in with both feet.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe has definitely left his wife, our mutual friends have told me so. Yet after months of him chasing me I deserve to be ignored now?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (13 September 2014):
I think his silence WAS his reply- yes, you were wasting your time, and he got all he wanted.
I have to say that I feel he hasn't been particularly mysterious about his intentions.
He told you he is not ready to date. He told you he is not looking for a relationship, he does not do long distance, and he would make a terrible bf. He comes out to meet you and leaves soon because of other plans. He lets you initiate most convos.
Objectively, he sounded and acted rather lukewarm, - what you call " all of this " does not amount to much, in practice, and you might have got a bit carried away by wishful thinking, in assuming it could turn into more. If you say that it would have been more gentlemanly of him to turn down the chance for casual sex, or an ONS , even if the circumstances offered one... well, yes. Then again, I guess he sees it differently, and he has a point too : he had been clear about his wants and needs. He told you what NOT to expect. You are an adult, and you can say yes or not when you are offered a chance for sex. If you don't want to have an ONS - or risk one- you say no. Buyer beware.
P.S: I may be wrong ,but he sounds like a still very MARRIED guy to me.
If he had been separated , legally or otherwise,- i.e. if his marriage had actually been terminated by BOTH sides, and was on its way to divorce - why should his wife want to monitor his sex life , and threaten to take his child away from him ? How could she stop an ex husband from dating, but, most of all, why would she even care of doing that?, once he had made clear there's no going back.
I think that not only there's a big chance of going back- probably he has not even left to begin with !
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A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (13 September 2014):
 He used you for sex pure and simple. He may well still be with his wife too.
He was contacting you a plenty BEFORE sex and now he has got what he wanted he ignores you. Charming.
Mark
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2014): Sounds like he is using you for sex and he is still married to his wife so I reakon he hasn't seperated at all, he is a loser.
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