A
female
age
41-50,
*atiekate
writes:Last night, my boyfriend and I went to a function at a bar where I didn't know anyone, but he knew a lot of the people. At one point, I came back from the bathroom and some girl he knows was sitting in my stool at the bar and they were talking. After a minute of waiting, he got up and gave me his stool so I wasn't just standing there. A minute later, she got up, and as she did, my bf rubbed her a bit on her back, like from middle to the small of her back and back up again. I didn't like this. So when he sat back down, I told him so. He claimed he just touched her shoulder, and I said I know what I saw and I didn't like it. Then he said he touches people like that all the time and that he'd didn't mean anything by it. He said he was sorry and that he would refrain from doing it in the future. Maybe the alcohol was helping to dampen my mood, but the rest of the night was ruined for me. I didn't say much after that. We soon left and he took me back to his place. We woke up at 2am and I said I wasn't comfortable moving forward until we settled this. He said he thought we had settled it. Shortly after that, I convinced myself to get over it and things were ok after that. Did I overreact? Do you think he thinks I'm a crazy bitch now? I don't normally feel quite so insecure and jealous but how do I avoid this in the future? We've been dating for 6 months and this was our first fight. Did I do anything wrong? I apologized for overreacting, but I don't think I really did anything wrong because I explained myself in a calm and rational manner, and all I was doing was explaining my feelings honestly. But why do I feel so bad?
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insecure, jealous Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (23 January 2012):
 You're very welcome
A
female
reader, katiekate +, writes (22 January 2012):
katiekate is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you all very much for your help. You've really helped me put things into perspective. I appreciate everything you all said. My bf truly is a southern gentleman, and I doubt he meant any harm. Deep down, I know that primarily, the problem is me feeling insecure for my own reasons. So now, I am taking your advice and just letting it go. Someone said that if this is our first fight in six months, that we're doing pretty good. I agree!
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A
female
reader, Ciar + ♥, writes (22 January 2012):
It sounds like your boyfriend meant no harm, but I might not like it either. Your reaction wasn't explosive or anything but I agree with your boyfriend in that the matter was settled at the bar. It really didn't need to be dug up and discected at 2 in the morning.
Up until then your response was perfect. You didn't sulk or create an undignified scene. You addressed it right then and there in a calm, discreet and direct manner. You kept it short and sweet, and he got your point.
When you have a grievance with someone 'short and sweet' is usually the best way to handle it. The longer it drags on the less contrite the offending party becomes, and you lose credibility. Instead of being seen as a rational person with a valid complaint, you'll be seen as a harpy.
Your insecurities are a reflection of the faith you have in yourself, not in others. If you can rely on yourself to speak up effectively for what you want and don't want, you will feel more confident.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2012): Body language experts would say your BF acted possesively/intimately and it would be a NO NO to someone who is in a committed/monogamous relationship.
Flirtatious natured individuals should have limits/boundaries and can keep them under control and show some self restraint when dating someone; its courteous and respectful.
Shoulder and mid back to lower- one is friendly and safe and would not be considered hostile or sexual; the other is sexual.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Susie  +, writes (22 January 2012):
 It is very easy to feel insecure when you are the one who doesn't know anybody, and your partner knows lots of people. Every little thing can seem exaggerated to you. So it probably was innocent, but as you were already feeling a little excluded, this little incident made you feel even more so. You've spoken to him about it, he is aware of how you felt, so now let it go. You will have to learn to relax in your relationship with him, and not analyse everything he does or says, that can get very wearing, very quickly. He sounds like a nice person, and if this is the only issue to come up in six months, things must be going pretty good. Relax and have fun. All the best.xx
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A
female
reader, babu3u +, writes (21 January 2012):
 Maybe you over reacted a little. The way he touched that woman is quite a normal thing for me to do with other people as well specially if I know them. Now if your boyfriend spend the whole time talking with that woman and completely ignore you through out the party, then I would definetly understand why you would be mad. Maybe he is a more of a touchy feeling kinda person, and you just aren't. I would be a little jealous if my boyfriend touched another woman like that but me acting jealous about it would definetly make selfish and childish. Don't let does jealous and insecure feeling control you, because that would definetly ruin your relationship. If it does really bother you tell him about when you are alone. And try to understand that he might be that person that does touch other not with the intention of making you feel bad or because he wants to be with that person but the fact that he is that kind of person.
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A
female
reader, natasia  +, writes (21 January 2012):
 I would also go pretty mad at this. It isn't like you've been together for years and have got to the point where you feel totally confident in your relationship and where you are - it is early days. And yes, stroking someone like that is something that I certainly would not like at all.
But ... you can't do anything about it. Maybe he was drunk. Maybe he was feeling sexually confident ironically because of his affair with you, and maybe she was an old flame. I don't know. But you can't change what he did. You can only live with it, and think about the reality: he is with you, not her.
So, although I know it's hard, I think you should try and stow it. Move on. Give him another chance. See how he is.
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A
female
reader, katiekate +, writes (21 January 2012):
katiekate is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your response. I don't have any doubt that my bf was being friendly, because he admits that is slightly flirtatious by nature. And I have a feeling this woman sat down because the bar was packed and the only open spot was that one. And she did order a drink and then leave. But knowing this, I still felt very jealous and insecure. We discussed it a bit today, and he said he wouldn't disrespect me and he's not upset with me and that we're all human and sometimes jealousy gets the best of us. I feel like I said what I needed to say and he has been pretty supportive and reassuring, but I still feel like I did something wrong. I'm thinking the problem is me....? My insecurities may be getting in the way.......
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2012): This would upset me, and I don't think you are being out of order. I'd be curious to know how you felt about the woman in question - why did she let you stand watching her and your boyfriend? Was she friendly to you as well or did you get the feeling something was going on? Seems like having to stand and watch them 'set the scene' for the back-touching to really upset you - I'd trust your instincts because it seems like something told you this was not right. If I was the other woman in question - I mean if I new your boyfriend and was just saying "hello" in passing (totally innocent) I certainly would not behave in that way, I would not leave you standing - I wouldn't even sit there in the first place - it seems very rude and as if she was "claiming your territory" ...
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