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Did I cheat or did I not cheat? I'm so confused....

Tagged as: Cheating, Dating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 June 2008) 7 Answers - (Newest, 1 July 2008)
A female United States age 36-40, anonymous writes:

Ok, so the guy that I am dating (but he claims we are not in a relationship "JUST dating") stopped speaking to me for two weeks. I thought he was not coming back.

History: Long story short, (about 3 years ago) I was married for a year and my now EX-husband got up and left one day and I never saw him again... So, I have issues with this.

Anyway, I was hurt, confused, devistated - and I went out got very drunk and althought I don't really remember. I had sex with another man. Horrible all on its own... I know. I am digusted with myself for getting into a position like that.

Then, today, the man I am dating that hasn't called in two week, finally gets ahold of me and says that he wants to keep dating. I got no reason for why he was MIA. He wouldn't tell me where he was. He said "he just didnt want to be found" - His own family didn't even know where he was.

I am so confused. I thought he left me. I was devistated. I love the man. I care so much about him, but I thought he'd left me. I just flipped because I thought it happened again. He is by far not perfect, but aside from the fact that I should never have gotten so drunk that I don't remember something. Should I FEEL guilty and confess what happened to him?

I legitimately thought I had been dumped. I would never cheat on him. I love him. I never thought I was going to see him again. I know that is my own issue because of my past. Ugh, Im confused.

View related questions: drunk, hasn't called, sex with another

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A female reader, lianne x Bangladesh +, writes (1 July 2008):

lianne x agony auntthis happened to my sister and her ex, he was an amazing guy, but one day he just upped and disapered for a week, no one knew were he was , my sister was devastated, rang all the hospitlas his friends and everything.

as i said he was amazing , so this dispearance was tottaly out of charater, to this day he still says he doesnt know where he was himself.

fortunatly he only did it the once with my sister, but he has been known to have done it during other relationships.

to be with some one this unpredicatble cant be healthy for your own mental stability , you will be constanly worrying incase he does it again , or if maybe one day he just wont come back. if you guys did ever get together for real, what would you do if he did it then? if you had kids , and he did it then , think how it would affect them?

you need to think in the long term with this guy, basically can you trust him or not? if the answer is not a definite yes....i think you know what im goin to say,

sorry if i sound harsh but .,....think about yourself in this one .....

as for the one night stand thing, this is down to an emptiness you felt inside that you couldnt fill anyother way.if its out of character for you , then you shouldnt worry about it too much.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2008):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you all. Yes, I know I have to watch this guy. I know I am attached to someone that might not be worth it.

AND yes, behaving the way I did is completely out of character for me.

I asked him if he'd behaved himself or if he'd been with anyone else and he told me "no."

You are all right though. He shouldn't up and disappear for two weeks at a time anyway. It isn't right.

Oh, and he already knows about my past. He knows how disappearing is a very touchy thing for me. So, not only did he disappear, he did it when he knew how it would affect me.

Thank you all for your responses. It makes me feel better.

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A male reader, Collaroy Australia +, writes (1 July 2008):

Collaroy agony auntHi,

I think what you have got to do is start picking men who will care for you more than the ones you seem to pick up.

First off, dump this current boyfriend, he is giving you the runaround and will only make you more miserable.

Take a step back and be single for a while just so you can get your bearings. If you carry on like you are now then you are only going to set yourself up for more heartache. Be strong and you can regain some focus on your life. A guy who disappears for several weeks and strings you along like your current boyfriend is not good for you.

good luck

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A male reader, grouchy United States +, writes (1 July 2008):

I doubt the two issuses are related. No you did not cheat on your EX. How could you have? He'd left you! And the other guy? A VEEEEEEEEEEEEry strange one. Shop around some more.

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A male reader, grouchy United States +, writes (1 July 2008):

I doubt the two issuses are related. No you did not cheat on your EX. How could you have? He'd left you! And the other guy? A VEEEEEEEEEEEEry strange one. Shop around some more.

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A male reader, no_issues United States +, writes (1 July 2008):

no_issues agony auntPorn wisdom teaches us that if a man gets up and leaves a scene full of sex and fun, another man will climb in and take his place in a cycle as natural and certain as the recurrence of the tide.

Furthermore, blues music (and English property law) teaches us that there ain't no stopping a rambler who's bound to roam. And that a girl's got to do what she's got to do, and other wise sayings.

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A female reader, nettles United Kingdom +, writes (1 July 2008):

nettles agony auntI don't think that this counts as cheating as such, you thought you were not in a relationship and therefore were free to do what you wanted. However, if it is making you feel guilty you might want to tell him to ease your wn conscience.

Does the new man know about your past? You should perhaps discuss this with him and let him know how you feel about him doing a disappearing act. It's possible that he slept with someone else while he was away.

It's not your fault for thinking the relationship was over, he walked out so by no means is that just your issue. The guilt you are feeling is probably just disgust at yourself for acting in a way that is out of character for you as you didn't technically cheat.

Hope this helps! x

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