A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating a wonderful man for over 1 year now. We enjoy each other very much, and when together have a great time. We love each other deeply. We've both been divorced within the last 2 years.The only problem is the younger daughter whom he has avoided introducing me to. I've met his older daughter, but, when it comes to the younger one, he is devoted to her. You could say he is her only strong guardian and the only parent who provides interaction, coaching, and true parenting, despite sharing parenting time with both parents. He feels obligated to be there for her at all times.He won't talk to me on the phone in front of her, nor text, and seemingly hides his relationship with me from her. She reacted very badly when he tried to talk about the fact that he is dating, or when he suggested meeting me. He says he wants to get beyond this, but does nothing to move in that direction. I feel as though I am not part of his life 100% as a result. Do I hang in there for 2 1/2 years while she finishes high school to have a truly complete relationship with this man? Or cut my losses and move on now? Or do I force a meeting, taking the heat and being the "bad guy" and take the blame off from him? The daughter can be mad at me instaed of him for initiating the meeting.
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female
reader, Carrot2000 + ♥, writes (2 November 2009):
"He feels obligated to be there for her at all times."
As he should. It's called being a good parent. Back off and let him do his job as a father. He is doing his best to protect her at a time she when she needs to heal from the divorce, yet you want to force a meeting. You do this and he will dump you so fast your head will swim.
A
female
reader, celiaaletta +, writes (2 November 2009):
 Could you describe in what ways this impedes in your relationship with him?
It appears as though he would like to keep his youngest daughter sheltered. Since the divorce, she has likely undergone a lot of confusion/pain/etc. and he feels guilty to have caused it.
This is his way of protecting her from further pain as it appears that she is upset at his moving on.
Please respect his boundaries as I'm sure he does yours. If you dislike this arrangement, I suggest that you break up with him.
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A
male
reader, q1605 +, writes (1 November 2009):
 There is only one thing more protective than a woman over her brood of kids. And that is a man protecting his own offspring. I would choose my battles very carefully. At 51 that is the one area with women that I do not challenge. No how, no way. To do/suggest anything about a woman's kids is
1) none of my business.
2) for her to be that way, shows a lot of integrity for her in putting them first because a lot of women don't
3)none of my business.
They have the life they have and you need to respect it. End of story.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2009): Hmm that is a sticky situation... Is family counseling out of the picture? I've heard that it is a good way of getting step families together. Or just couples counseling, maybe, if the daughter wouldn't participate?
Does he have custody, or the mom?
She has a right to know that her dad is dating someone, and he shouldn't go through extra lengths to hide it (only in my opinion). She is old enough that she be treated like a young adult (she is in high school, right?) and respected as one... which means her father not hiding things from her, like talking on the phone. As far as meeting you, I would say that is her choice, until inevitably- if he has custody- you will run into each other.
Maybe through her siblings she will learn that you are fun, easy to get along with, and make her dad very happy. This is only a temporary thing, but still, at her age, it could take a little while for her to come around. Shes been through some emotional trauma with her parents splitting up, so be patient with her. I am having some problems, a bit similar to yours, and have an appointment next week with a counselor, just to talk out my situation and maybe find some solutions. :) Good luck!!
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