A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have a really stressfull problem. I was friends with this guys for years and always liked him. As far I was aware he didn;t feel the same as we stayed very close friends (although many people thought he liked me as did I) ... Afew years later we got together, nothing official as we were both extremely shy. It ended as it wasnt what he wanted and got with someone else. It hurt but we stayed friends, I thought it was a shame to throw away so much friendship but he wasnt the same with me but we did get back on track in the end and were getting on very well. Eventually we had a fall out which happened at the wrong time and we both said things that went to far. He blocked me, which I found weird and I do believe it could have something to do with his new girlfriend but I cant say for definate. I want to be friends, I sent him a text and he never replied. I dont understand why. He used to bring things up like "if anything was going to happen between us then it would of" or "i like you just... not.. not in that way" ... But I dont want him back everytime these things have got brought up I've been trying to make us friends. Just friends! Nothing more! EVER! I dont understand why he doesnt want to be friends, if I had hurt him I could understand but I was the one that got hurt and I'm willing to see past it and get the good memories back. We were so alike and had such a good laugh as friends and I miss that. What could I have done to make him not want to be friends? How can I put it right?Has he really given up just because of an argument or two.. Why did he bring the past up.. How could I make an attempt to pursuade him to put the past behind us and start again, or does he really suddenly not care about me and hate me?Please help its getting me so down its unreal, I feel so low, Lossing a best friend is really a terrible pain.
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female
reader, Anonny +, writes (9 January 2015):
Just seen this now - a year late!! Hopefully you will have sorted your differences out by now & if not - well it wasn't meant to be!
I am in a similar position with a guy who went off with a girl and they both used to be friends with me - but now they don't speak. They haven't said why - but I was bitter about it and it probably showed - so now we just don't speak.
Some people are sensitive - I am quite thick skinned so can take the odd hurtful comment - but I know people who can't & your guy & my guy too must be those people who can't take it.
7 years us a long time to be friends - so hopefully you will speak again!
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (2 April 2013):
 It sucks that he can’t tell you what you want to hear but the truth his he choose her as a relationship over you as a friendship.
To be honest I would as a romantic partner not want my spouse to have a best friend of the opposite sex especially if they had tried to date and it did not work. And a woman who is insistent on being friends with my man while not liking or respecting me, I’d have him kick her to the curb. And as my husband he would side with me over another woman any day of the week.
I am sensing (even if you deny it till doomsday) that there is more on your sub-conscious agenda than even you are aware of. I sense that while you “settle” for friendship, if you could have more you would. AND that’s a big huge red flag for me as the girlfriend/wife/SO of the person you want to be “friends” with. YOU may not be aware of it. It may be so deeply hidden even from your conscious mind (as a way for you to cope with this man not wanting you as more than a friend)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2013): I'm the original poster - Thanks for your advice, as I stated we once got together. Thing is this isnt as you say. We have a complicated past. I actually dont want to get back with him but when you loose a best friend it hurts and I had everyone judges a male and female being friends as a crush or romantic interest. Where you say people take words seriously, Thats me! He turned round once he got this new gf and said that if I said one bad word about her and I was gone, when I wasnt going to say anything, I'm not her no.1 fan as I knew the family and I was bullied by them at school. This girl also has a bad reputation for wanting sex and being as insecure as my friend was he gave in. However thats his choice and stupid mistake, and he admitted that shes stayed with him now hes given her what she wants.What was said is that I didnt like his attitude and how he was behaving to me. He also turned round and said why would I wanna hang out with you, why would I wanna see my friends now I have her. This hurt, I'm not just a friend for when your single and had he done this previously with other girls etc I would have just thought, right your an idiot I've got better things to do. But it came as such a shock and hes never ever acted like this before. I dont care about them two as long as hes happy and as long as I dont have to see anyone in that family because I knew them years ago and I cant ever bare to talk about the pain I went through at school. Not because of his gf but her sister and cousin. She is also just as bad.I just want my friend back, we had such a good laugh, I never really fitted in at school and never had that best friend that was truely like me until I met him. Scrap the fact we got together, thats the past, ok we've argued but I just want to put this right. I dont understand why after 7 years he suddenly doesnt care about me anymore.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2013): OP,
What did you fight about? What did you say? What does "Eventually we had a fall out which happened at the wrong time and we both said things that went to far. " actually mean? It just sounds as if you're omitting things and you're blaming a context rather than taking responsibility for what came out of your mouth or acknowledging what came out of his.
When you say "many people thought he liked me as did I" it sounds like you were anticipating his romantic attention.
I know you insist that you just want to be friends, but I don't think you'd be writing to this site if you didn't have a romantic interest and I'm not convinced from reading your post. If this were just some guy who didn't want to be friends, you would have just written this guy off like the hundreds of other people who you haven't become friends with...you wouldn't have mentioned his new girl friend because you wouldn't have cared.
What is clear from his behavior is he thinks you have a romantic interest in him. He doesn't want that romantic interest to jeopardize his relationship with his new girl friend, and he doesn't want to be "friends" because of how you've behaved in your past.
If you've got a romantic interest in him, it's going to be a real blow to your ego. But I would suggest you learn from it and get on with your life.
Another thing.. some people take words seriously. Perhaps I sympathize with this man because I am one of those sorts of people. But if a person insults me or says they don't value me, I take them at their word, I decide whether or not what they said was a true or constructive criticism and whether or not I really want to earn their respect back, and if I decide that I don't want a relationship with them after a conflict, I don't bother.
So when you ask "Has he really given up just because of an argument or two.. " I would say, yes, some people do give up on other people, because life is too short to appease people and figure out other peoples' problems if you don't care about them.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2013): I haven't seen my best friend in over 3 months, I like you don't fully understand why, I has very nearly broken me. It's only the last few days I've been able to hear what the other people in my life that love me have been telling me for ages.
It's there problem not ours, if the relationship is as good as we remember (rose tinted glasses always make it seem better) then they will get back in contact with us.
Leave the door open, if they choose to contact us, great, if not, then maybe they don't deserve us.
Try to keep your chin up, losing a best friend is terrible, but the sun will brighten your day again in time.
Take care
jx
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