A
female
age
41-50,
*ilftastic
writes:Im 31 yrs old, my boyfriend is 36 yrs old. We have been off and on for 2 yrs. November 2012, we started dating again. We have an amzing relationship. Never fight, act goofy together, always get along and were a perfect match. Which we both agreed on. Month or two ago I asked him is he still wanting to have kids. If so, then we shouldnt continue our relationship because my tubes are tied and I cant have anymore kids. He was undecided at that time. Then last weekend we are spending time together and the subject came up again. This time hes really sure he wants kids. We both cried and said we love each other. He doesnt want to see me alone, he never wants to lose me out of his life and that we have such an amazing relationship and doesnt want it to end. But I cant give him what he wants, a baby. He loves my two little girls and they love him but he wants one of his own. No one understands the relationship we have. We have this bond, love, humorus side, comfortable with each other... just a very good relationship.My question is.... Instead of automatically breaking up he wants to go day by day. I dont understand that. Why prolong the hurt? My face is consistantly swollen from crying. Its hard to let go of someone you love. So, do I just tell him we can do the day by day thing, in hopes he changes his mind about a kid? Or, do we just end things and slowly pull away from each other ? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Milftastic +, writes (2 April 2013):
Milftastic is verified as being by the original poster of the question Wow ! Thank you everyone. Such great responses.To the anonymous responses.. He is set on the baby being biological. As in adopting a child, im 100% sure he wouldnt want to. As I dont see the negative in adopting becuase I myself was adopted when i was 4 yrs old. He would want to have one of his own thats biological. I do agree about NOT doing the day to day thing. You def hit that advice on the button. He has a win - win situation. Im going to have a conversation with him and let him know of my choice. Im going to back off from him and let him find out what it is that he really wants. Without having me around everyday might make him realize what choice he wants to make. If we are meant to be together then everything will fall into place. About my children, I wont tell them that he wants children of his own. I do agree with you about that. That will most def make my kids feel like they werent good enough. My kids are very understanding. I think thru everyones advice and alot of thinking, that the break up should done. Still have contact and stay friends. he said im the one and only true friend he has out here. And I feel the same about him also. I just think that maybe we were just made to be friends, not a couple.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 April 2013):
 The biological drive to have kids is intense.
I had several men in my mid 30s who had no kids who stopped dating me precisely because I could no longer have children.
It's a horrible feeling to know you would be perfect if you could still reproduce.
Everyone says adopt... or use a surrogate... like it's just that easy.... I know many couples who tried for years to adopt, who had the money, and were willing to adopt cross culturally and out of the country and still NEVER GOT APPROVED.
it's not that easy and for some people it's about the whole MY CHILD with the PERSON I LOVE thing. It's not ANY CHILD....
I totally disagree with iAHTHY on what to tell the children about the break up... they are young and there is no need to discuss WHY with them.
They can understand you are sad, he is sad and it's NOT anything they did wrong or you did wrong.. but sometimes Adults as much as they love each other, can't make it work.
DO NOT mention him wanting kids...they may think it's because they are not enough and that's not it at all.
I would not want to drag it out either.
I'm sensing, however, if you cut him off 100% (and I would because in the long run it's easier on you and the kids, while in the short term it SUCKS) that he may have time to sit and think and evaluate just which is more critical to him.
Happiness with you and a ready made family may trump that whole biological parenting thing. He may be saying "stay day to day" so he doesn't have to deal with the whole choice... HER OR KIDS.... you are not asking him to make that choice you are being the adult and setting him free.
IF he chooses you and your kids over biological kids it has to be HIS choice.
BUT missing you and your kids may be enough for him to make that choice.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2013): If your tubes are tied, as you know you can't naturally conceive children. However if you go for in vitro fertilisation you eggs are directly extracted from your ovaries with a needle, mixed with sperm in a laboratory dish and the embryos placed directly in to your womb. You would essentially be bypassing your tubes all together, so the fact that they are tied doesn't mean it's impossible for you to ever have kids, it is just not an easy, natural process. Maybe you could look up IVF on the Internet.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2013): Since you're open to more kids (right?) just that your tubes are tied I don't see why this has to be the end of an adult life partnership which is very different from a parenting relationship. For example you can both adopt a child and both be the legal parents. Or you two can use a surrogate. Or maybe he can put an ad in craiglist to ask if there are any women willing to bear his biological children and give up heir parental rights in exchange for a large sum of money. Hey if a woman out there agrees and consents and if you check with a lawyer about the legal issues involved then why not?I just don't see why the issue of not being able to biologically produce a child should have any effect on the continuation of a adult intimate committed life partnership. There are other options out there to building a family. Why must people be set on only one path and close themselves off to all others? I always think that if there is one and only one path by which you can be happy then you are doomed to be miserable. And no I do not think you should do this day to day thing. He is being unfair to you by hedging his bets. He wants to keep you around indefinitely just in case his feelings about having biological kids changes. And if they don't then he can just leave you when he feels like it. The day by day thing is a win-win for him because no matter the outcome it is to his benefit. I understand that feelings can change in the future. But some times decisions should be made now or at least in a time frame to prevent serious damage. In which case you just have to make decisions based on the present circumstances and if that happens to be that he needs to spawn a child from his own loins to feel happy then that means you should break up. And if his feelings change in future then he can look you up again and if you're still single then you can be together in the right way. If you decide to do the day by day thing anyway, then I would advise you to pull back somewhat from this relationship. Make it clear that the relationship is on probation meaning you are not going to fully invest yourself in it or progress it (such as having your kids spend time with him thinking he will be their new dad) .
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2013): Why don't you two adopt a child together?? You didn't say you're opposed to having more kids just that biologically you cant. Well he wants to be a parent right? So why not adopt?
Now if he is one of those men who don't want to be a parent per se but only if the child carries their genes then that's a different story. I tend to not respect men like that because their love for a child is conditional. If so . You should make the decision to end the relationship now and tell him to only contact you again if he ever changes his mind and is ok with not being blood related to his children.
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female
reader, Milftastic +, writes (2 April 2013):
Milftastic is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIamheretohelp - your very right about that. We cant be right for each other. If ending this relationship over me not being able to have kids make him not want to be with me, whats next? I cant express it enough tho. He is a really good guy. No red flags come up, judt the only thing is the baby thing.
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female
reader, Milftastic +, writes (2 April 2013):
Milftastic is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMishmash - i understand what ur saying. He did say that he wants his own children. That he wishes that he could have them with me. And that he doesnt want to break up right away, that he wants to do this day by day. That hes is in no rush to find the girl who he could have a baby with. That he wants to still keep our friendship and never lose me. He wants to make sure im always takin care of and the kids. And if i ever needed anything that i could always count on him. I told him i appreciate that. But i have done thing single mom thing for so long that i know how to get thru each day. I told him, that i dont think it would be healthy if we kept kinda the same relationship we had because of the amount of strong feelings we have for each other would only make it worse to get over him when he does meet another women. I do feel depressed in the fact that this great relationship we had is ending due to the fact i cant have kids anymore. But he knew that two years ago. I know i dont want anymore kids. If my tubes werent tide, i still wouldnt have anymore. I know my limits and what i can handle. Plus i look at the furtue and think to i really want to put my self in a critical situation if split in a couple years? Stuck with three kids on my own? No way. I agree i wouldnt want my children or i to go thru day to day break up. I already felt what three days did to me and that about wiped me out. I am very thankful to have such amazing children. The three of us have a bond like no other. So i am shielding them from all this. I just told them that his work schedule changed so we wont see him anymore. They understand. My kids and i always have one on ones when ever they have something they need to talk about. So those one on ones have gone great lately. Im pulling myself away from him as of today. Learing to control my feelings and realizing the importance in this breakup. If he cant accept my kids as his own in order for our relationship to work and just deal with the fact mytubes are tied. Then he is not the man that was made for me. I just wanted to thank you women who have taken the time out to give amazing advice. I appreciate every bit of it. I dont have girlfriends to go to about this so this helped me alot. Thank you.
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female
reader, Milftastic +, writes (2 April 2013):
Milftastic is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you !! I'm gonna def take your advice. I'm just hoping everything goes smoothly and he doesn't change his mind again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2013): "My question is.... Instead of automatically breaking up he wants to go day by day. I dont understand that. Why prolong the hurt? "
Whoa.....I feel like you're omitting something critical here.
Did he say, "I want my own children and it's something so important to me that I'd consider leaving you?"
Or are you feeling depressed and inferior just because your tubes are tied and you can't give him what you'd like to give him. Why do you feel as if a break up is imminent?
If he clearly stated he wants his own genetic children and the fact you can't provide children gives him second thoughts about you, then I wouldn't see any point to the day by day method either. It doesn't matter if he's dead set or not or how flexible you think he might be... You don't want to let a guy into your family and your childs' lives who explicitly states he doesn't want a future with them or with you unless his own offspring are involved. Sorry to sound cynical, but that just doesn't sound like love and commitment. That sounds somewhat immature and uncompromising.
It's painful as you're in love with him, but if you want to volunteer yourself for that kind of heartbreak of the day by day method, just don't make you children go through it too.
What IAmHEereToHelpYou said about avoiding revolving men is very very true.
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female
reader, Milftastic +, writes (1 April 2013):
Milftastic is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you !! I'm gonna def take your advice. I'm just hoping everything goes smoothly and he doesn't change his mind again.
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female
reader, Milftastic +, writes (1 April 2013):
Milftastic is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks ( iamheretohelp )
I very much agree with you. I don't know if he's really dead set, cause he changed his mind two months ago. It's just so hard to let go of someone you love. And to know the only thing breaking us up is one thing. But I do understand his dream of having a child of his own. The other hard part is, how do I break it to my kids? They are 6 and 11 . I always vowed not to bring a man in their life unless I know he's the one. My kids love him. This is so hard. Any advice you can give I would most appreciate.
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