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Colleague thinks my new man is settling for me! Should I do anything about it?

Tagged as: Dating, Friends<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (7 March 2019) 4 Answers - (Newest, 8 March 2019)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

So basically my question is around a new romance I have just started. Myself and the man I’m seeing both work in the same industry but we don’t work together in the same company. But our paths sometimes cross at networking events etc which is how we met.

So far, we’ve been on a couple of dates but haven’t really said much to anyone as the industry is pretty small and we don’t want people to talk until we know if there’s anything worth talking about.

Anyway, at a networking event last night I bumped into him while I was with my friend (who is also my colleague). She used to work with him and is good friends with him, so the three of us chatted for a while then moved on. But once he’d gone my colleague started saying she can see we get on really well but she doesn’t think me and him would make a good match romantically. This came out of nowhere from my side so I asked her what she meant and she said that I’m not his ‘usual type’ and she’s worried that he might try to ask me out because he’s lonely at the moment.

I asked her what his supposed usual type is and she said ‘petite and gorgeous’. Now I’m 5’9 so I’m not exactly petite but nor am I overweight. And I definitely wouldn’t say I’m gorgeous but I get enough interest from men to suggest I’m at least fairly good looking. But obviously she’s saying I’m none of those things so the only reason he’d be interested in me is that he has no other options at the moment! She also said that ‘everyone knows’ he’s in love with another woman I work with but can’t have her as she’s got a boyfriend.

So now I’m both a little offended and unsure what to do. On one hand the type thing doesn’t worry me because I don’t believe most people have just one ‘type’, but I also don’t want to start seeing someone if he’s actually in love with someone else. My ex boyfriend turned out to be still hung up on his ex and it was the most painful experience ever.

I’m tempted to talk to him about what she said but I also don’t want to cause trouble between them as she told me those things without realising there was anything between me and this man and I feel like I’d be breaking a confidence. But if I don’t am I keeping things from him? I also don’t want to be the woman everyone is talking about as her bf is obviously settling for her, which is what my friend implied would be the case.

What do you think? Oh and I realise this probably makes it sound like we all see each other every week but these networking things only happen once every 3/4 months so it’s not going to have a big impact on my career or day to day life.

Thanks all.

View related questions: confidence, his ex, I work with, my ex, overweight, petite

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2019):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks everyone for your advice. You’ve all said what I expected to be honest, I think I was just a bit worried as I’ve been burned before by someone choosing me as they couldn’t have the person they wanted and it was in the back of my mind that I might have been overlooking a red flag or something by ignoring it. But you’re right, I’m enjoying my time with him so I’ll just continue doing that and see how it goes.

As for my friend possibly being interested in him, I don’t think that’s the case because she’s engaged to a man she’s been with for 10 years now. She does have some weird ideas about types and that sort of thing in general (her type is very specific but her partner isn’t actually it. Nor is the man I’m seeing for that matter) so maybe she genuinely thinks she’s helping me by pointing this out? As in she’s settled so he might be too? The reasons don’t really matter I guess.

Anyway thanks again guys, you are all wonderful :)

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (7 March 2019):

You're always taking a risk at something or other; and you don't know the outcome until you go through the motions.

You can't read his mind, and you're getting second-hand information; or possibly speculation from a so-called friend. Who knows what HER motives or intentions are, and who cares? Nothing ventured, nothing gained. How does she know so much of his business and about what he likes? Why is she such an expert on his taste? What gives her any authority to decide whether you fit the criteria?

Proceed with caution and take the information received under advisement; but don't consider biased opinions to be fact.

I think you need to stick to the script as it is, and not get ahead of the game. You are just starting to date each other; and it hasn't gone far enough to start feeling suspicions and jumping to conclusions.

Slow your roll and keep your eyes and ears open. Judge him by what he says and does, not by what you're told about him.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (7 March 2019):

Honeypie agony auntHonestly?

This is where I would GO with my gut and not what a friend tells me. If you are all in your 30's you should all be mature enough to not blindly trust what a friends tells you.

If they USED to be coworkers and are friendly then sure, she might know some dirt on him, but it doesn't mean he really KNOW him. After all IF they are SUCH good friends, why hasn't HE told her he's been seeing you?

It's a new romance. TAKE your time getting to know him. You can't get to know a guy from hearsay.

And while she might not have MEANT to be rude, the whole notion that he is a "I can only date one type of women or I'm settling" it seems off to me. And really, WHY should you CARE what others think of your relationship IF it's working for the two of you?

It kind of sounds like she is a little jealous or miffed that he hadn't told her or asked HER opinion before starting to date you. She really LIKES to imply that she knows him MUCH MUCH better than you. So what? Is she now in charge of YOUR (or his) love life?

As for this other woman he "supposedly" loves. OK maybe he DID have a crush on another woman, it couldn't go anywhere so HE MOVED on. Doesn't mean he is in anyway "settling" for you.

I'd continue to see him if YOU enjoy his company and you two get on. She doesn't HAVE to approve.

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (7 March 2019):

YouWish agony auntTo hell with "breaking confidences"! It actually sounds like your friend is trying to sabotage your relationship with him. Does she see HERSELF as "petite and gorgeous"? Does she have a thing for this guy, or is she trying to torpedo you because she has another friend who is into him?? God it sounds incredibly petty and a "mean girl" thing to do to a so-called friend.

I would suggest one of two things, and I'll tell you what I would do.

1. Say nothing. She's trying to shit-stir, so ignoring her comments as stupid, cruel, and ignorant, and just enjoy your relationship with him. He chose YOU and he wants to be with YOU, not with anyone else.

2. Nothing makes the cockroaches scatter like shedding a bright light on a room. Go to him, tell him "I heard a rumor, and I respect and value you enough to hear what you have to say before I jump to any conclusions, and I hope this isn't true, but I heard that you are in love with someone else, and that you're only dating me as a "place filler" because you can't have her because of her boyfriend. Please tell me that this isn't true. If his next question is "who told you this?" Respond with "Please answer my question first".

I would be inclined to go #2. You've only been on a couple of dates with this guy, so I'm surprised that this friend of yours has come to this conclusion so quickly. It sounds like petty territorialism, and if I were you, I wouldn't let it stand.

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