A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I am stuck. I have a bulimic, depressed wife of 13 years and 4 kids under 12. I have wanted to leave her badly as I have become so frustrated over the years, but the kids and her need me. Now I have slipped into another relationship with a wonderful person 10 years younger than me. We want to set up home together but I am torn as I miss my children every time I am away from them. What should I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2007): hi, i have 2 kids 6 and 4 and have been bulimic since the first year of meeting my husband - really sorry, but before you leave, you need to work out why she is so unhappy ......... for example, when did her bulimia start? have you tried counselling? have you even tried talking to her and setting any plans in action. I may be married (and in love with) an unemotional man but the fact that you have posted this problem means that you are at least human!
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2007): You are a father and you have custodial rights in the legal system. I would like to suggest You get your divorce and get complete custody of your children. You wouldn't bethe first Dad to be a single father. Why do the children have to endure the pain and suffering of what they have no control over? Think about whom is more important to you. Your wife is a foregone conclusion, she's got problems that she needs to look after. Does her illness affect her 'mothering style?' If so, then it really comes down to the kids or your mistress? Will the mistress survive nicely seeing you on weekends whenever you can make the time for her? Anyway you look at it-it's either 'your' happiness on the line or that of the kids and I'll tell you why. Your wife is floundering. She's depressed, she's bulimic and she needs pyschological help with a professional. It will be a long term process for her to be healthy again. You know that if you pick the mistress and just leave the kids with Mom. you are being inappropriately irresponsible. Who wants to leave the kids with a parent who is struggling.
You are having a hard time deciding what to do. I will state, that so many married men 'choose' not to have an affair because their commitment to their families and their high character come into focus. Always. always put the happiness and well being of your children , before your own. If you don't..they will ask you 'why' you left them..when they are old enough to figure out what really happened.
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female
reader, candy00s +, writes (28 May 2007):
 Your wife needs help with her depression.
I can understand how tough this must be for you, your kids and your wife all need you.
Can you not try to make things work with your marriage?
There is no easy way to leave.
Try and talk things through with her it might make it easier to walk away from.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2007): Hi anonymous,
Staying in a marriage for the sake of the children, longer term, is not going to be good for either you, your wife, and certainly not good for your children. It sounds to me that you feel your marriage is as good as over, and considering you are already in another relationship wanting to commit to her it seems you have already made your decision - but are afraid to go through with it.
Whilst your wife has emotional problems, you can not possibly help her in the situation that you are in now. In fact, you can only possibly make her worse. Most bulimia is rooted in child abuse and requires professional treatment, and depression requires support and encouragement from any loved ones - neither you can provide for your wife whilst you are in your predicament.
If you are absolutely sure that the marriage is over then the best thing for her is for you to move on. Perhaps you moving on might just be the thing for her to overcome her difficulties and find a new life herself, I'm sure, despite of how she may be towards you that she deserves to have more than you are now giving her.
You need to make this as amicable as you possibly can so that you have as much access to the children as you can and that you don't unnecessarily damage your wife. Just because you are ending the marriage, it doesn't mean you will automatically stop being a father to your children. Your children need to be protected from any bitter and hateful arguments that you may have with your wife, they need to feel loved equally by both of you and to know that it is not their fault that you are leaving them and their mother. There are support organisations that are available that can give you legal advice about your rights, I would also suggest maybe you could talk to a relate therapist to talk about ending your marriage and how to do it.
I think in situations like yours, people often feel much better just by being able to make a choice and go through with it. I think you too will feel better once you make a choice either way. All the best with whatever you decide to do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2007): I know you can't live your life for other people, but why is your wife depressed? She needs help before you do anything.To leave her with 4 children whilst she is ill is not a good idea, although seeing someone else won't help her either.It maybe an idea to visit the doctor and explain about your wife and your situation. The doctor may know of support groups who can help your wife.Don't be totally selfish whilst your wife is ill
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male
reader, DV1  +, writes (28 May 2007):
 Being married means for richer, for poorer, for good times, and for bad. If you're wife isn't happy, maybe you may be the cause. Girls generally can figure out what's going on without you telling them. You should divorce her if you're both that unhappy, and come up with a custody agreement that's fair to your kids.
DV1
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2007): How do you think you wife will re-act to your desicion IF you leave? IF she is bulimic, I would hazzard a guess it's due to a low opinion of herself. If you leave it will only get worse for her. I think she needs you more now than ever!Remeber these words "for better or worse"?
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A
female
reader, rambini +, writes (28 May 2007):
 I hate to say it as as a depressed bulimic myself i obviously feel immense sympathy towards your wife, however we are each only blessed with one shot at life, n therefore no1 shud stay in an unhappy relationship if there is no chance of workin it out. leavin ur kids will b hard however u will still b entitled to see them, and hopefully as they grow up they will realise and understand ur reasons. with lots of reassurance that u still love and miss them, i think u could and should b happy with ur new partner. good luck in whatever u choose
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