A
female
age
,
*roken and scarred
writes:About 2 years ago I came home early and found my husband making out with her in my car in the driveway (we have a long country drive) He seemed devastated and vowed to go to therapy and never ever do that again. Found out at counseling it had been going on since 2009. The therapist made it seem like it was all my fault for not initiating sex and thereby depriving him and forcing him into this situation. I can initiate anything without getting a disgusted sigh and rejection. Then 2 months ago I thought things were getting better (with a different counselor) working on communication and trust building. I come home early and I found my husband making out with her in my living room. He wants "the best of both worlds, fantasies fulfilled with her, and security with my money. I am so devastated, scarred and broken. I wanted my marriage to last for a lifetime. I don't want to be alone!
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2013): It sounds to me as if he only "loved" you for your money? I'm not going to say you are so rich and anyone would, but if he says he wants to do it with her and has flat out said he's only with your for your cash than he was never worth your time.I would suggest seeing if you can get in contact with her, see what she was told, and assuming it was the same woman both times, why she did it knowing he was cheating on you with her. Try not to be confrontational about it. Knowing all three sides (or what you can about all three sides) will help you decide what to do more clearly.If you can't get away with breaking his habits, a divorce might be in order. I think it's fair that if you suspect a man was never there for you in the first place, and he does nothing to show (not tell, show, there is indeed a difference) you that he is, than it can easily become either a hurtful relationship or otherwise a relationship where one person feels used and another doesn't.
A
male
reader, sexyabhi  +, writes (21 March 2013):
he seems to have a strong desire for sex and may be sex out of marriage. or either you and he arent compatible one way in that u guys understand each other sexually . but if that isnt the problem hes addicted to the pleasure of another woman and will never get out of it .its best u get out of the relation if it hurts you. give yourself time and dont wrry about security you sound like a self driven woman
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 March 2013):
 OP,
I sense you are scared to be on your own and would rather put up with his lies and cheating than leave him.
IF that's the case, then you must look the other way and move on living the lie.
Personally if that's how you feel (staying in spite of his lies and cheating) I would consider turning the tables on him and taking a lover myself.
Also if your children are over 18, they have a right to know that their dad is not perfect and is a liar and a cheater and why you want to leave you would be amazed at how kids handle it.
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A
female
reader, broken and scarred +, writes (21 March 2013):
broken and scarred is verified as being by the original poster of the question
Thank you all for your responses. I do not have family that is close. Our children don't know about their father, they all seem to idolize him. They would probably believe him and blame me. That is another reason I guess for me to stay and protect the "image".
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A
female
reader, Foot-In-My-Mouth +, writes (21 March 2013):
 The others have given you all the right answers and suggestions and I agree that your husband needs to be dumped as soon as possible.
I'd also like to add that your first counsellor needs to have his/her license taken away. What a loser!
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (21 March 2013):
He is a cheater. Despite what he promises and what counselling he goes for, 99% he will not change.
If thats fine with you, stay. If not, leave. In the end, its that simple.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 March 2013):
YOU WON'T BE ALONE.
I do not think you can fix this or him.
He's been with her since 2009 that's FOUR YEARS... he's not giving her up.
This is NOT about YOU rather it's about him.
He's greedy, selfish, childish and immature. He's also a liar and a cheat and you deserve much better.
Continue with your counselor for YOURSELF, I believe the marriage is not salvageable because HE DOES NOT WANT TO GIVE HER UP... and get yourself a good attorney.
call his bluff... kick him to the curb... he may find that once he's available she no longer wants him either...
or life without you is horrid and he will want back... hopefully by the time he begs to come home you will be stronger and say to him 'no sorry you had your chance, it's my turn now"
take your money and run... you have grounds. he's a liar and a cheat.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (21 March 2013):
 I'm sorry, it must be absolutely devastating.
I understand the fear of being alone, but if you continue to "forgive" him and stay with him he will only escalate as he thinks your staying is you giving consent.
And personally, I rather be alone and have my self respect and dignity .
I would kick him out. Cancel any cards that YOUR are paying for and he is using and start the divorce process.
And I have to say the first counselor who blamed you for your husband's actions was wrong, very very wrong.
Focus on you.
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A
female
reader, laure  +, writes (21 March 2013):
 Once a cheater, always a cheater!That's just unbelievable, from where does he get the nerve to bring her to your place?!He’s definitely abnormal! You have forgiven him and gave him a chance and yet he disrespected and cheated on you again and again, say kick him out and end this relationship. You’re just wasting your time and not giving yourself a chance to meet someone new and decent, who will truly cherish you. Moreover, as you have mentioned that he's relying financially on you, then you're the one who should be in the strong position.It’s time to end things up, take the right call, don’t let your heart control your mind; it’s your dignity and trust which got broken! Why do you need a cheating loser in your life who's taking advantage of you in every possible way?I’m going to sum it up and tell you: I'd rather to be unhappy alone than unhappy with someone! Don’t be afraid from being single and lonely rather than being in a relationship, where you're miserable!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2013): I think its time to kick him to the curb myself, let him learn the hard way that the grass isn't always greener on the other side.
As for you, if you have a fairly decent income from your job, then you have the money to invest in other ways to fulfil yourself. You could take a few vacations or invest your money into a passion or hobby, something you get enjoyment out of doing. You don't have to feel alone and unfulfilled by being single, but after a break up its necessary to take some time alone to reflect and recover and get your emotions back to normal, it doesn't mean you will be single forever more. Having a hobby and meeting new people who share the same interests as yourself will go a way into building a good bond and friendship/relationship with someone else/other people.
All I can see now is that you will continually go round in this destructive circle of betrayal and misery if you don't break the loop and get rid of him. Obviously he's not taking the counselling as serious as you were and he's still been up to his usually tricks, that says a lot to me - he's not interested in being a one woman man and sorting this relationship out with you.
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reader, llifton +, writes (21 March 2013):
 i'm sorry to hear you're going through all of this.
he's proven over and over he's not trustworthy. you gave him a chance already. he blew it. how many chances is he going to get and just how long are you going to put yourself through this emotional torture? your marriage is already broken, and he clearly didn't learn from his mistakes.
what kind of an idiot does this stuff at his own house??? was he asking to get caught? i'm sorry, i know that is completely irrelevant, but wow. that's just plain stupidity.
i know it's always so much easier said than done, but if you can muster up the courage and strength to leave him, i think that's for the best. it will hurt for a long time, but at least this way, you're not delaying it any longer and prolonging the pain. you don't deserve what he's put you through. you really don't.
do you have family or friends nearby? could you go and stay with them for a while until you can get your head cleared? i know it's incredibly hard to imagine your life without him now, but that's how everyone feels when they seperate from someone they loved. given time, you'll heal and you'll eventually in time find someone else who knows how to treat you like you deserve. but the longer you postpone it, the longer it'll be before you can start a new life fresh from all of this pain. also, often times we don't realize just how unhappy we really are until we remove ourselves from a situation. it's not until then that we can see it for what it really is. we can see the big picture once we're away from it.
take some time to think this over. i think you owe it to yourself a fresh start, but that's just my two cents. but i think life is too short to be miserable all the time. good luck.
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