A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Is it possible to have a healthy, loving, committed relationship without sex? I am 25, and I have had two serious boyfriends -- the longest relationship lasting for a year and a half -- and several shorter relationships. I do not date anyone anymore, because I do not like sex. I never have. I was always open with my boyfrends about it, not wanting my passiveness to surprise them or cause them to mistakenly assume it was their fault. But, ever since the time that I lost my virginity, I simply have no interest in the activity, finding it irritating and gross. I find men attractive and enjoy making out and cuddling with them; but I do not like the sight of them naked, and the instant they want to have sex I just cringe. I have read that 70 percent of women can not reach orgasm through vaginal stimulation alone, and there are more who go their entire lives without ever experiencing the "Big O." But they still enjoy various degrees of peasure from the activity or through their own masturbaion, which I do not. I have tried masturbating, but I just can't find a point in it. Even women who are not incredibly fond of the actvity themselves often perform it anyway in order to pleasure their partners, but I don't want to make myself endure it.I know that most people enjoy sex, even though I may not understand why. I don't want to make someone miserable. Should I just stay away from men completely to avoid future complications as a result of this problem, or is there a chance (if I am forthcoming) that there is someone who could be happy with me despite my unusually dead sex drive?
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male
reader, 2old4this +, writes (27 July 2010):
 In 1996 there was a 73 year old woman who suddenly startind having a sex drive of an 18 year old. At first it seemed fine. Eventually her husband asked her to see a doctor because it was effecting there lives. She agreed, even though she was happy. After seeing a doctor they discovered that a very small but benine toomer had developed on a part of her brain. It was not deadly and was able to be removed with no complications. After that everything was back to normal. Sometimes these things can develop in early stages of puberty. My point is that even though she may be ok with the way things are, it may not be medically ok. These things happen and to just ignore the possibilty that something is wrong is not very smart. Go find out if there is a problem, mentally or physically, first. Then if all is well, find someone you can be with.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 July 2010):
 Ah ,Heather- and OP- ,normality is a fuzzy concept, scientists and sociologists have been arguing about it for the past 2 centuries or more, and the jury is still out...
I don't know about the other Aunts, but when I suggest the OP to consult a specialist I do not mean she is necessarily "broken " or "wrong ", I am just suggesting a way she can possibly make life easier for herself.
To use your example again,I dislike swimming so all I've got to do to be fine is staying away from beaches,- but the OP dislikes intercourse and other stuff, so she has to sort out a huuuge amount of men into those things, and that
leaves her with a very very limited selection of potential partners. So seeing if a doctor or therapist can help her change that makes sense to me.
Plus, imagine if her lack of sex drive were just due to some hormonal imbalance, or thyroid gland disfunction :
piece of cake. A few pills and the problem is solved. Why then not checking into that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThat does not offend me. I have checked out that posssibility. Certainly it would make my life a lot easier if it were the case, but there is no disputing the fact that I am arrow-straight. There are many variations on sex. Even kissing is a form of sex. I did not say that I can't stand any interaction with men; quite on the contrary, I have met two people whom I had incredible chemistry with. It's just that when they get tired of foreplay and want to move on, I can't stand to be hammered on. It doesn't matter the position, I'm just not into it. I've often wished that I could just stop there and watch a movie, but, alas, ceasing cold turkey in such a situation is not so favorable to them.I know that there are many people who can not relate to or understand my situation, but I don't consider myself "defective;" because, in my opinion, for something to be "broken," it has to have worked in the first place, and I have always been this way. It isn't painful, just really awkward, annoying, and gross. Sometimes I get frustrated and can't figure out what to do, and I have to repress myself from laughing at the rediculousness of the activity. I've tried making myself go through with it, as though if I did it enough times eventually I would suddenly find it pleasant, but I realize now that that is nieve.Now I'm just trying to judge the liklihood of there being someone who can understand me and not grow to resent the fact that I'm just not interested in his pearls.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2010): You are normal, but uncommon. Sexual libido is also normal. To rule out any abnormalities, I would see a doctor to see if your hormone levels are normal, and possibly a phychologist or therapist if you think something is being suppressed in your life. If everything is OK, I'd search for guys who are the same libido as yours...they are out there. It may be tougher for you, since most young guys are hornier than hell, but if you stay away from the usual meat markets (clubs, bars and the like), you might find someone.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (25 July 2010):
No,Heather, I respect your opinion, yet I think your example of swimming and hiking is a fallacy, it's basically flawed.
We are talking about "healthy " here and healthy ,in general pertains to avoiding excesses. For every human activity there is a spectrum that goes from a minimal to a maximum degree of interest and involvement, and the closer you get to the very ends of the spectrum, the more likely there is a real problem.
Back to your example . I dislike both swimming and hiking, I do it very seldom, I don't think I have a problem because of that. BUT : I do not refuse all kinds of movement - I do not refuse dancing, or walking, or climbing my stairs. I am willing and able to engage in a moderate level of movement, I don't want to live the rest of my life as still as a statue without ever moving a step.
Or, let's use food as an example . There are people who eats a lot, others who eat moderately, others who eat very
little. There are people who need 5 meals a day and other people who are fine with 5 a week. But if you NEVER want to eat, then most likely you have an eating disorder which is worth looking into.
I think it's at least prudent for the OP to consult a professional about her attitude toward sexuality. Then, if
turns out that everything is Ok,- it's all good, and I am ready to go take a hike ( or a swim ):)
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (25 July 2010):
 If you find someone with the same level of "lack of libido" it might just work fine.
A relationship works be when the two people in it are matched in many ways, specially sexual.
Good luck,
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (25 July 2010):
I don't think so. Love is a complete physical, emotional and spiritual experience and when one component is missing you are depriving yourself and your partner of something important and the relationship eventually becomes unbalanced.
Of course, in life s--t happens and one can end out in a sexless relationship due to illness,disability,accidents or other causes. If you are committed and you love each other- then you roll with the punches and make the best of what you have. But this is a different situation than voluntarily excluding the sexual aspect of a relationship.
You may want to explore with a professional if there are
physical, neurological or ( more probably ) psychological
causes to your lack of sex drive. It may have something to do with childhood problems, or present issues with your sense of adequacy... or lots of other stuff. Sex is always a metaphor and how we feel about sex often has a lot to do with how we feel about ourselves and life in general.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2010): Yes, I guess it's possible. But I would think that you would be limiting yourself to very specific partners. Finding love is hard enough but that is a very high hurdle to get past because sexuality is natural to most. I have heard of people not getting sexually aroused before but it is usually because of a sexual preference not met, a mental disability, or a physical problem. You are obviously worried so you need to go see a doctor and a therapist. Not because it is wrong not to have sex, but just to be sure there is nothing wrong with you physically or mentally.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2010): As long as there are nerves running down there that aren't all dead, you can get stimulated if you try the right things. You just have to work on the three E's, experience, explore, experiment. Rather than passing at the chance of masturbating or having sex, confront it head on, with learning the many different techniques and tools to stimulate yourself in ways you never thought possible. If you find it difficult doing that on your own or with a partner, research and study, and go to counselling to work out any other possible blocks that may be stopping you from reaching the pleasure that is out there to be had.
Yes, you can have a happy relationship without sex, but you can also achieve what you don't think you can, for stimulated pleasure, by use of information and resources. Educating yourself is key, and there's always at least one way to rev yourself up, when you think you're dead and done with down there.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2010): Will you marry me? It's absolutely possible.
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A
female
reader, LLindy87 +, writes (25 July 2010):
 I don't want to offend you by asking this, but how do you feel when you see a woman naked? By chance, could you possibly be attracted to your gender?
I just ask that because my friend realized that after HE had these same feelings, He said that he could make out, cuddle and get emotionally attached to a woman, but he just couldn't get sexual because it grossed him out, the woman form. Its opposite of you, but very similar.He eventually came out of the closet and is able to enjoy sex now. but it isn't the same for everyone, so don't jump to that conclusion just because I threw that out there.
But the thing is, guys are sexual creatures, as are most women. Its very rare that you feel this way.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2010): I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through this. It must be difficult to not enjoy something most people find any excuse to talk about!
I myself can kind of relate. I've only recently had vaginal surgery. I could never find pleasure in sex and it turned out that I had extra skin there that was causing me pain.. but I became frustrated that it was all anyone ever wanted to talk about and you were EXPECTED to have sex otherwise you weren't normal.
There may be a deep-seated reason why you don't like sex. Have you had any history of being molested or abused? If I were you, I would go see a psychologist and discuss it.. if there seems to be no other reason behind it but personal preference, so be it. But it would be horrible for you to miss out on a beautiful, intimate part of life because something from your past, which you may of blocked out of your memory, has manifested itself this way.
Good luck.
Oh, and in answer to your question, YES.. you CAN have a fully committed and happy relationship without sex. I have done so for nine years now. Just going to try getting on the wagon now though after my operation.
All the best!
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