A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey all, im devastated , found my husband of 6 years cheating, he had changed for a while and i suspected something. I took his mobile while asleep and found love msgs.. I was soo shocked, im young and we hav two adorable girls... He then started begging , crying for me to come for a few days. He told me he would never do it again and begged for forgiveness. I came back hom but i feel very shaly towards him, im hurt and in pain.. Is forgivness in these situations ok? Thank u all Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, M Proops  +, writes (3 December 2013):
Cheaters are always sorry when they're caught.What was he getting from the other woman that he wasn't with you?Do you have problems?Does he really still love you?I always say if you love someone you wont cheat on them.
A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (3 December 2013):
 Sorry to hear you are going through this. I can only imagine how devastating this can be.
First off, realize that what you are feeling is normal -- given the circumstances. Overnight feelings of forgiveness don't happen and sometimes people struggle with this for years or even the remainder of their relationships.
Here are my suggestions on what to do:
1) Seek out professional help -- either for you or as a couple. A trained counselor can help put this in perspective and allow you a chance to really sort things out. A good counselor / therapist may be pricey, but the results they can trigger are worth it and can be life altering.
2) Determine what went wrong with your relationship. This is imperative. If you go back to what you were doing, it will only be a matter of time before your husband (or you) drift again. Something was wrong: a lack of emotional / physical intimacy, no sex, resentments, or it could be something that you did that pushed your husband away. Perhaps your husband felt left out as a result of the children.
You will have to take a bold, honest, and critical look at who you married and what happened. Once you determine the reason it may give you some perspective and allow you to determine whether your marriage is worth saving -- or not. Both of you may want to read Dr. Laura Schlessinger's "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage"
3) If your husband plans to make amends he must be an open book and realize that his credibility is shot. He must cut contact with his fling(s) and he must be willing to support you as much as possible during this time.
4) Check out the book store or library. There are many great books and resources available to you and you can learn from other people's experiences and what they did.
In short, yes, people can grow and move on from infidelity but it takes a strong, honest, and concerted effort from both sides.
Eddie
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (2 December 2013):
 It IS possible to forgive a cheating husband, and at odd times even forget. But it takes a lot of work, especially on the part of the husband.
He needs to be aware he must be SEEN to be trying to atone for his behaviour, counselling might help, he must accept you will not trust him or his actions for a long, long time and so will be under intense scrutiny, his apology will be ongoing for some time yet ....
Does he understand he didn't simply stray into another woman's pants, but made a deliberate choice to betray a woman he stood up and promised to love until death, he has betrayed his children who his wife gave birth to expecting them to be brought up in a loving two parent household, and in effect he lied to all those people who were present when he made his marriage promises.
A man once told me for him sex was like shaking hands, and when you consider the female/male anatomy I can see where he was coming from, for men sex can be external, like their genitals, for women its all internal, we take our husbands, lovers, boyfriends INTO our bodies, for us it is not like shaking hands .....
If your husband cannot understand that this is not something you can forgive over night, but that he is going to have to rebuild your trust in him then tell him to walk now. It is going to be a long, and sometimes painful, road back to where you were.
Also, some discussion between you both about how to strengthen your marriage and what you both need to do to rebuild your love would be beneficial.
Good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2013): Only you know if you can forgive him. I could never forgive my husband if that happened, if I stayed with him after something like that I know I would make him feel guilty about every single day after. So if you feel like that with your husband - is it worth saving? He made the mistake, it's not your fault if you cannot actually forgive him, he shouldn't have done it in the first place. If I were in your position, with two young children, I would have also returned home but would have moved him to another room and probably see what happens living like that for a while. If you want to forgive him, then I would see a couples counsellor and have mediated discussions so he explains to you why he cheated etc... And you have a totally impartial person supporting you who won't take sides or make judgement.Good luck
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (2 December 2013):
 I think if you CAN forgive him then do it. NOT for his sake but for yours. Accept that he did what he did and that YOU did not MAKE him cheat. Cheating is a choice.
Now whether you want to remain with him and remain married is UP to you. You might find down the line that you forgave, but can't forget. That you have lost more then trust in him. Then you figure out where to go from there.
I will second the counseling. You both need tools to move forward. He needs to find ways to re-build the trust in him, you need to work on what you REALLY want.
One thing though, don't say I forgive you til you are GOOD and READY to forgive. Saying I forgive you means nothing, unless you ACTUALLY forgive it and can move forward.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2013): Everything that has already been said, I agree.It's ok to forgive him if you think you can. It's only wise to forgive him if he truly will take the steps to regain your trust. Only you will know him well enough to know what he'd be willing to do. Come up with a list... I'd include the things So Very Confused mentioned, that is very sound advice. Now just for my own opinion. Personally, I would forgive this particular situation if it was a relationship that was not sexual. From what you've said it's hard to tell if he just was texting and being flirty or sleeping with her. If it's just the flirting, I'd forgive him, though still he'd need to take those steps.If he was sleeping with this woman, he must, must, MUST cut every possible mode of contact with her, that's changing his number, losing hers, blocking her on social network sites, if she hangs out somewhere he frequents, he needs to find a new spot, if they work together he needs to find a new job. It might seem like a lot, but if he does not separate himself from her, no matter how sincerely he wants to change, she can always come slipping back in all over again. I would allow him to apologize and take the proper steps to seek my forgiveness, I would expect him to understand that he cannot assume that I trust him anytime soon, though I will try to trust him again in due time. This means if I'm casting weird looks at him every time he picks up his phone to text, that's just too bad for him.One thing I would be very careful about in your situation is how your children perceive this whole thing. If you intend to allow him to re-earn your trust, try not to put the children in a situation where they feel you and him are no longer going to be together, that can be very confusing for them as they may not understand. Also, depending on what theyve heard and seen so far, consider sitting down and delivering an age-appropiate comforting talk about what mommy and daddy are going through.Just some thoughts, Good luck.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2013): Forgiveness isn't always easily given. Trust is harder to regain. People never really trust again, once it's broken.It tends to leave a scar following a deep wound, that heals very very slowly.If your are devastated, your trust is pretty much gone; and what you may mistake for forgiveness, is a crumb of tolerance. You coat it with emotion, to make it digestible.Trust is hard to earn, and maintain. Once it's damaged, what we get in it's place is profound disappointment; and the chore of earning it back. Your husband slept soundly without guilt. That's how comfortable he is with cheating.By all indications he isn't content with what he already has; and stepping outside his marriage was a premeditated, and most deliberate act. Whether there is any justification, remains to be determined. There is a reason. It may even have some merit. He didn't choose to make the effort to bring any deficiencies in your marriage to your attention. He didn't feel his marriage important enough to avoid betraying your trust. If he has brought his problems with the marriage to your attention. You didn't listen. You were probably caught up in pretending all was perfect. That's because it's easier than taking criticism and dealing with failure.Crying and begging isn't a real sign of remorse and regret.It is most certain he is sorry...sorry that he got caught!Man-tears are often crocodile tears. They are preserved for moments of desperation, when words alone don't seem sincere enough. Don't be fooled. We generally prefer to cry in private.Is this his first and only violation? To your knowledge, did he ever cheat before your marriage? Is he a big flirt?Does he neglect to compliment you, and show you affection?Intellectually, you may forgive him; because you wish to preserve your marriage. You wish to avoid the chaos and emotional pain associated with the legal process of divorce. You wish to spare your lovely daughters the pain and confusion. Your strong love stood out in your description of them as "adorable."However; your heart and mind will probably never truly forgive him. Suspicions of a cheating husband don't spontaneously arise out thin air. They usually arise when there is an indisputable/undeniable change in his mood, attitude, and sexual behavior. His schedule of comings and goings become erratic, and affection is scarce. He often uses an argument as a reason to leave the house. He picks fights out of thin air. Sound familiar?This is the one particular marital issue that I do strongly suggest marriage counseling. The reason being, men are terrible at being open about their feelings. They will lie to avoid the embarrassment, and evade emotion like avoiding the plague. Your forgiveness should be given with understanding and knowing the reason he cheated. A counselor is needed to referee the emotions and tensions such questioning evokes.He will tell you what you want to hear, play on your weaknesses, and evade the truth. That's how cheaters are.They do not want the full extent of the punishment they deserve for the deed. So they will work toward leniency.There are always exceptions to all situations; but cheating is one of those violations most frequently repeated. Once the initial barriers are broken, cheating becomes easier to do. So, it's hard to pass up an opportunity for a cheater. It's like breaking a strict diet. Once you weaken and take a bite of chocolate cake, it's harder to resist the temptation to take another bite.If you do forgive your husband. Do it only if he agrees to counseling; so you both have someone to mediate and help you to work through the reasons he did it. You need facts to base your feelings on. Not just emotional; but logical as well. Get to the truth, and then decide if you wish to remain married to him. Forgiveness can come anytime. It is done out of the kindness of your heart. Remaining married has to be based on trust and loyalty. The promise it will not happen again, and any reasons that lead up to it; have been resolved to lesson the chances of a repeat offense. You show forgiveness by working "together" to save your marriage.Truth is what you build trust on. Nothing less.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2013): I just don't understand the mentality of people who cheat! It's probably NO reflexion on you. You probably have so many good qualities and he just sounds ungrateful. I'm so sorry for what you're going through as I imagine how devastated you must feel. I think you have to make the decision yourself at the end of the day, but it's good that you have come to seek advice. It's a tough decision. It's not ''wrong'' to forgive him. Or to dump him. I'm not sure what religious persuasion you are, but don't let people judge you for YOUR decision. You're the one who was faithful, you are the victim of all this. It's not sinful or evil for you to consider leaving him, but once you make a decision, it will be very difficult to go back. In the Christian faith, and in most others, you have a right to leave him if you wish because he broke a covenant. But you don't have to and you also have a right to forgive him. It's just a tough decision, and I'm glad it isn't mine to make. Perhaps you need the help of a counsellor. Someone who can give you guidance about where to go from here.Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 December 2013):
 is it ok? that's UP to you.
will he go to counseling for himself and for the marriage? if so that's a good thing?
will he subject himself to humiliating checks of his phone, his email and his location by you and any friends willing to help out? if so that's a good thing.
rebuilding trust with him will take years... are you willing to do that?
how long was the affair? did she know he was married?
what made you check...
so many things come into play here and NO one can advise you if you should stay or go...
many will say once a cheater always a cheater but I've seen otherwise.
my mother forgave my father an affair.... and they lived happily ever after till she died 11 years later.
If you want my permission to forgive him and try to make it work you have my permission but I strongly suggest counseling three ways
you go alone for you
he goes alone for him
you two go together as a couple.
In fact, I would make counseling mandatory as part of the forgiveness routine.
...............................
|
