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Can we really be future friends respectively?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Cheating, Friends, Gay relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (14 April 2018) 4 Answers - (Newest, 15 April 2018)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Same sex best friends for four years and we crossed the line and had emotional and physical affIr for 4 months. We are both married and won’t leave our husbands and families. We still work together and continue to have lunch and talk at work only even though our husbands forbid it. She wants time and space to see if we can be friends in months or years time, I don’t want to let go completely. Can we really be future friends respectively?

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (15 April 2018):

You need to separate and only communicate professionally.

You can only emotionally-disconnect by getting out of each others way!

I'm going to lay-down some tough-love. I will provoke some thought; and hit you with some harsh-reality.

You want to keep your husbands and families; but continue to secretly fool-around on the side. "Stay friends?!!" Only to slip-up and start diddling with each other again!

Stop lying to yourselves. You're trying to keep your affair going and appease your husbands at the same time.

Get a divorce before you pursue other love-interests. You owe your husbands and marriages at least that much respect.

I think you've crossed a line; and if you want to keep your families and trust intact, you need to honor your marriages and families. Unless you only married your husbands to hide your true sexual-orientation, and/or for convenience.

People do everything under the sun to justify having affairs and going outside their unhappy/phony marriages; before they properly and legally undo them. Selfishly! Holding their spouses as emotional-hostages; while they get-off on somebody else. Let's call it for what it is.

Sorry, but there is no good or proper way to cheat on your husbands. You didn't just cheat on your husbands, you also cheated on your children. Who probably think people get married; because they love each other. They get married to be monogamous and exclusive. "Forsaking all others!"

Are vows just empty-words we play with? We just say them as part of a pretty over-blown ceremony? An excuse to wear a pretty over-priced dress to look like a princess; and overspend on a lot of unnecessary pomp and circumstance, to fulfill fantasy and impress others? Then what on earth is supposed to follow???

Nowadays, people don't define the lines or set boundaries. Instead, we let our genitals, wild impulses, and hormones rule our behavior. The lame excuse is love. Lust is more like it.

So how confused children must be about what marriage, commitment, and family truly is. We adults set such bad examples for them. We remove all definitive-lines, discard our values, and just go with our impulses. We forget all the collateral-damage caused by cheating. What about your kids? The guy who gave-up being single for you?

Now think about it.

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A female reader, Dionee' South Africa +, writes (15 April 2018):

Dionee' agony auntGive her the time and the space that she requested. The worst thing you can do now is force things. Leave it alone.

As far as you guys' husband's go, do right by them and let this thing go. Again I say; LET IT GO. If both of you love and respect them enough then the line wouldn't have been crossed AND continue to be crossed. If you know that there are two other people suffering out of no fault of their own, then why not end the suffering? If the two of you will stay in your marriages then do so but give it (marriage) a proper shot and stop sneaking around and digging yourselves into a deeper pit.

I think that you need to let go of any hopes and dreams that you have for the future when it comes to you and her rekindling your friendship because NO ONE will ever be okay with the two of you doing that. In fact, NO ONE on this planet will be okay with something like that.

Put an end to this and respect everyone's wishes. Moreover, leave with what dignity you have left and stop making things worse. Focus on healing your marriage now.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (15 April 2018):

Honeypie agony auntI agree with mystiquek,

I think you REFUSE to accept that she wants her family to stay intact and that means she wants nothing to do with you for now. She is doing the right thing, whether you like it or not.

Its not realistic to expect your husband and her husband to accept any further contact outside of the "normal" work related stuff (if that is necessary).

I think you need to stop being selfish. Sorry, if that is blunt. But ALL your posts sees to be about YOU and what YOU want and screw your family, screw HER family as long as YOUR wants are fulfilled.

Work on your marriage. It must be in shambles after this. Don't just stay with your husband because SHE didn't want you for real, she just wanted to "experiment" with a familiar face and it blew up in your faces.

As to can you ever be friends again? I don't really see how. If MY spouse did what YOU (and her) did - there would be NO contact or the marriage would be over. So since she has chosen her marriage, she has chosen her husband, not you.

You say I don't want to let go completely. You might HAVE to. You can't MAKE her renew the friendship and you certainly can't convince her husband or your own that YOU and her can be "just" friends after that affair.

Have you even bothered putting yourself in your husband's shoes?

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A female reader, mystiquek United States + , writes (14 April 2018):

mystiquek agony auntOP, I don't want you to think I am bashing you but you have asked about this situation at least 3 times. It obviously distresses you greatly. There is no way that any of us can honestly tell you what may happen in the future but I wouldn't say that there is a great chance that the two of you will ever become close again. If only for the mere fact that you are both MARRIED, you cheated on your husbands and they KNOW about it. I don't think that they will be thrilled if you two start getting close. You can understand why right? You are going to have to both earn your husband's trust back and they are most certainly not going to trust the two of you doing too many things together. Sorry but that's the way I see it.

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