A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am a married man. Most of my friends prior to meeting my wife were women. Because of issues relating to jealousy and competition (on the part of my wife and on the part of my female friends) all of those relationships were lost. I have not replaced any of those. I intentionally shy away from making friends with attractive women my age or younger.On the other hand, most of my wife's friends prior to meeting me were men. Those relationships were also lost, partially because of my own jealousy and partially because we moved away from the area we had been living in. Since then, my wife has made some new female friends.The problem is that lately my wife is making lots of new male friends through her work. She says (her words) that it is fun for her. She has more of a social life and at the same time she feels like she is advancing her career through these contacts. Her attitude is that "I am having fun and I might even make some money doing this." (She had a bunch of odd jobs before having a brief career and then quitting to be a housewife and now she is back and working freelance. I pay all the bills so whether she makes money or not isn't really a concern for either of us. I just want her to feel fulfilled.)I do think that men and women can be friends. I have an older married female coworker I am friends with and there is absolutely no attraction between us, but we are concerned for each other and occasionally we meet in social situations. (Example: She had a work-related conflict and we met for lunch outside of work to discuss it.) I have even stopped by her home to pick up paperwork. So in that sense I think I answered my own question as to whether men and women can be platonic friends. I think it is possible.However, what concerns me is that my wife keeps (to my mind) pushing the envelope of opposite sex friendship. For example, she constantly goes out of her way (her idea, no pretense on their part) to invite male colleagues on social outings with her. Twice now (two different colleagues) she has invited coworkers to spend the afternoon with her at an art museum that I am a member of and I rather consider to be "our" spot to "hang out." She says she is just excited about it, feels it is overlooked, and wants to share it with others who have never been. She doesn't understand why I am uncomfortable with that. After the first time she did it, I told her that I was jealous and uncomfortable and I wanted her to keep her professional relationships more professional. I mean, I would never invite a female coworker to do something like that with me. I might invite a male coworker if I was trying to befriend him outside of work, but that's the extent. She says that she's not doing anything differently, it's just that her friends are men. After I told her that nevertheless I didn't really care for her mixing work and pleasure in that way, she did it again and invited another guy to spend the afternoon with her at the art gallery. As far as I know, neither guy accepted her invitation although they asked for rainchecks.However, (and I told her this) I am concerned with how guys might perceive her friendliness. I know one is engaged and one is single. Will guys really perceive that she's just being friendly or will they mistake it for a romantic advance? I, personally, if approached by a female colleague in such a way, would be inclined to think that it means she is interested to know me better outside of work and I would wonder exactly what her intentions are (hopeful that they are romantic). She also has a tendency to do things like buy birthday presents for colleagues (male and female) and other things that I would never do in my professional life (unless we were also close personal friends). I read a card she just wrote to a male colleague (one of the ones she invited to the art museum) which read something like: "Happy Birthday! Sorry I just got you a card. I wish I could have sent you something more! I am so glad we work together! You're extremely intelligent and I have an enormous amount of respect for you - I hope you will always know that!"To which he sent her a note which said:"You are a terrific friend and I am very glad I have you in my life."She is not hiding this from me. She doesn't think this is a big deal at all. She says they are friends and she thinks I am being ridiculous to be jealous. Part of me thinks she is right and yet part of me still doesn't like this at all. Am I wrong about this? Can men and women be friends like this without any feeling developing or any misunderstandings later on?
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female
reader, rocc  +, writes (28 May 2011):
Being friends with a male co-worker is normal, meeting them is also normal, is she over doing it. Is she really confident in her work, or is she trying to win them as friends in order to cover her incapability in her work.
As a husband you shouldn't let her lose her friends or see them, make sure they dont think she is stupid. She might cut them off anyway when she finds they may take advantage. Many women know where to set the limit. You are inviting danger to your marraige being jealous. Talk more and understand more and help her rather than being jealous.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2011): practically speaking.. it is hard for opposites to remain just as friend. so you need to control what is happening.
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A
female
reader, TEM +, writes (23 May 2011):
 Generally speaking, I do believe men and women can be friends in the workplace. I know this to be true, as I have experienced it, just as you. But that is not really your question. That is not really what is bothering you.
You feel your wife is stepping outside the bounds of workplace friendship, and I'd have to agree with you. There are boundaries to workplace relationships, however these boundaries differ, depending on the type of work that is done. You wife is working freelance, so she feels she must increase her business contacts to increase the chance that she will gain business.
Although she feels she needs to do this, what she is doing is risky. She makes arrangements to meet after work. She buys birthday presents. Yes, you are right. Some guys will interpret her friendliness as a come-on. Also, I feel she shouldn't have to "buy" business in this way. It borders on unethical. Her work should speak for itself. You might want to point that out to her.
The only thing you can do is have a frank discussion with your wife. If you have not already done so, tell her, from a man's point of view, how her actions might be interpreted. Tell her, also, that her friendliness towards the opposite sex bothers you. As her husband you have a right to express your concerns.
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