A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi There.I have been in a relationship for just under a year and a half. It has been the best relationship I've had in truth. But something has changed and I'm not sure why.I'm in my mid-twenties and have had several relationships since I was a teenager. My girlfriend is in her early twenties and I am her first ever boyfriend. While we have given each other a lot of happiness over the time we have been together, I have had my doubts about us in the long term. I don't know where these doubts stem from, but until recently they haven't caused us any problems. I have been happy to just sit back and embrace all that the relationship has had to offer and it has offered plenty in return.However, we had a bit of a traumatic evening the other week, one that left us both feeling quite frightened and worked up. She has a form of sleeping disorder and recently one night she became very frightened and upset. I did all I could to comfort her, but in truth I felt very frightened myself. Since then I've felt like I'm detached. We've bickered and argued and got on each other's nerves very easily.She is a wonderful girl. She deserves to be happy. She's sweet, she's caring and she absolutely loves me to death, but for some reason I don't feel like I can reciprocate those feelings. It's not that I don't love her, I do, it's just that I know that my love for her doesn't run as deep. Perhaps it is because I am her first boyfriend. I felt the same way about my first girlfriend I was absolutely besotted, and when it ended I was an absolute wreck... I don't feel like I can inflict that pain on to her. But I'm starting to feel like it's inevitable. But WHY? It didn't feel like we had any problems until very recently and now suddenly I feel like this...What's wrong with me? Why has such a minor event caused me to feel this way? Can I shake off these feelings of detachment and get back to having the wonderful relationship we had? Or are we destined to fail? Please advise. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (27 February 2013):
 We pick our own destiny. You have full control of how you handle this situation. I think you feel disturbed because instead of feeling sympathetic towards her sleep disorder, you felt turned off. If you had married a woman for a long time then she develops an illness, maybe that feeling will come to you. This relationship is just over a year old, at a time when you can still afford to be picky.
Human nature is selfish. It's important for my mate to be healthy as well. It is not wrong for you to end the relationship. If you don't see yourself enjoying the vacation it is better to cancel it. The longer you stay out of guilt the worse you will feel later on. Believe me it is better to back out now than to admit later on that you had had serious doubts long before. Just because you don't feel the compassion that a mature married couple would only feel, does not make you a bad person. For now the only way you would feel that kind of compassion yourself is that you go through some trauma like a car accident and needing your girlfriend to take care of you.
I don't think a sleep disorder is a minor thing at all. From what it sounds it is not just some sleep walking and sleep talking, because you got frightened too.
I am telling you this because you said you are detached and there is nothing you can do to change your feelings. You are either in the relationship or you are not. If you can't devote totally in the relationship you will just be one foot out the door. Staying out of guilt will not stop the bickering because you don't really want to be in this relationship. You will only resent doing the right thing, which makes you unhappy.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your answers, I greatly appreciate your support.
I feel much clearer about why this has affected me the way it has. It in itself is frightening, because what seemed like something so small seems to have started toppling the rest of my metaphorical domino's.
I really want to find a way to combat this. I feel like I owe it to her and our relationship to fight it. But I have felt pretty low all day, and my thoughts are consumed with thought of how and when our relationship will end. It really hit home with me tonight when she messaged me about baby name suggestions. She's been doing stuff like that more and more lately. If it isn't baby names, it's talk of engagement and marriage, if it isn't that it's talks of getting a place together. I've made it clear before that I don't like putting too much focus on the future and how it makes me anxious, but it seems she doesn't understand. After the past week, shockingly, I'm not sure I can see a future any more. I'm utterly devastated.
We can't end things now. We still have plans together. We're going on vacation this summer, it's booked and paid for. Whatever underlying problems I've had have surfaced at a terrible time, I just want them to go away! I just want to love this girl and make her happy, but I don't think I can!
Please help. Any suggestions or further advice is most welcome, I could really use it. Thank you!
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (26 February 2013):
 I am sensing that you are struggling with knowing that she is not your "one" and that you don't want to hurt her like you were hurt when your first girlfriend broke up with you.
I remember breaking up with my first serious boyfriend... ugh I don't know which one of us cried harder... it sucked. Life goes on and we heal.
I'm getting that you will just need a push to end this one.... sadly that may mean you meet another woman that intrigues you enough to want to date her.
Lousy feeling..... you care about your girlfriend and that's a good thing, but the fact that you are questioning it leads me to believe it's the beginning of the end of the relationship.
if the only thing that has changed was the incident with her sleeping disorder...then perhaps it's the fear that you can't take care of her properly, or that your children with her would inherit this disorder, or that it's going to get worse... or any of a million reasons...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2013): They say that the first few months of a relationship is that romantic "butterflies" type of love. Or puppy love. And then true love and deeper feelings begin to set in. So the deeper love is there, but perhaps the jolt of the dramatic incident showed you the realistic, routine side to love and your heart and mind are having a little battle about the phase of your relationship transitioning. Also, speaking for someone who has experienced some sort of trauma...trauma itself will always find a way to alienate the victim from everyone else. I myself experience severe anxiety similar to the terror that you described that your girlfriend has/had. Sometimes I feel alienated from my girlfriend because she cannot actually understand what is happening to my mind during an episode. Being there for someone who has a serious disorder can feel like a burden if you know you are in it for the long haul. Those feelings of reality are sometimes more apparent than all the warm, fuzziness that people think that they should be feeling at all times during a relationship. Your feelings may not be as intense as hers because you have "been there, done that." already. But I don't think that you are necessarily destined to fail. My grandparents were married for almost 60 years before my grandpa died (together since age 15) My grandma told me that every couple falls in and out of love. It's making the choice to stick by someone that creates real love.
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (26 February 2013):
 Every partner wants to take care of the other. It sounds like you felt like you couldn't take care of her very well. It's understandable that such a fear could give you doubts about how strong you can be for her, and therefore, how much you love her. Because you're having all these doubts and this fear of the inevitable, I think you're already starting to distance yourself from her to easy what you are assuming is the "inevitable" end, which will hurt you less since you're already distanced. That's how you'll avoid becoming an "absolute wreck".
I think it sounds like you have a great girl and a good relationship. If you assume the relationship is headed towards doomed, it's most certainly heading that way! The whole self-fulfilling prophecy, you know... I think that you just need some time and some good dates with your girl to get back to how things were - or at least get there to where things are progressing! Best of luck, sweet! :)
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (26 February 2013):
Our instinct is to look for the best, the healthiest partners in order to pass the best genes for our children. A healthy woman means a longer, cheerful life with less stress. Her sleeping disorder triggered the fear that she won't be the best mother. You felt you lost attraction to her. I am interested in knowing if the sleeping disorder can be fixed. Like trying a sleep laboratory.
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