A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I'm 20 years old and me and my girlfriend were dating for 3 years. She left me yesterday telling me that she wants to be my friend again and that she needs to find her own identity.Please help.I really want to get her back.
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male
reader, anon_e_mouse  +, writes (27 February 2013):
 What she has said to you is this; "I'm not interested in being with you any more".
That's it. The rest is a load of BS. Wanting to find her own identity and just be friends? Rubbish.
You are OUT I'm sorry to say and there's nothing you can do about it. She used the dreaded "we can be friends" which is woman speak for "I don't love you and I don't want to be your girlfriend". She thinks she's letting you down gently with this garbage.
What does "I need to find my own identity" mean anyway? What she means in woman speak is, "I don't want to be with you anymore, I want to be single and do whatever I want to do without you".
There is absolutely NOTHING you can do to get her back. You've struck out and you're in the "friend zone". There is no coming back from here.
You might well find, at some point in the future, she wants to come back. The WORST thing you can do is let her. She will only come back if/when she can't find someone else and you'll be the filler until she does. Then she'll be off faster than you can say "You want to be friends and go find your own identity AGAIN!?".
My advice is just leave her alone, quietly disappear and go sort yourself out. After time you'll feel better. Get out and enjoy yourself, see your mates and forget this one. She hasn't even got the guts to tell you the truth. Instead, she cares about you so little, she gives you this BS. Meet other women, whether you're ready of not, and enjoy yourself. Find someone who wants to be with you and has integrity.
CUT ALL CONTACT and NEVER answer her if she does text/email/call. She made her choice. It'll be real tough but it's for the best (for YOU).
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (26 February 2013):
 there is an old saying:
"if you love something set it free, if it comes back to you it's yours, if it doesn't it never was"
you can't MAKE her come back to you. give her time let her go and miss you and figure it out herself....
do not bug her
do not beg her to come back
give her space.
yes it hurts and it's hard..... and it's a risk.
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A
female
reader, ihavetoomanythoughts  +, writes (26 February 2013):
 I don't think there's really anything you can do other than take CMMP's advice and just give her room. If you try to contact her too often she can't figure out her identity. It happens when the people in a relationship spend too much time together doing the same things even though they have other people to see and other interests to fulfil. You should take some timeout and figure out what things you haven't really done since being in a relationship and go out there and do it. She might come back to you or she might not so find something to do that you enjoy so you don't agonize too much.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (26 February 2013):
If you really want to get her back think twice before you do ANYTHING. Don't embarrass yourself by begging or pleading. Send her a text that says that you understand that she needs to find herself and you support her 100%. Say something nice but not too cheesy like you'll always have a special place in your heart for her.
THEN LEAVE HER ALONE!
Don't call her, don't answer her calls, don't text her, nothing. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, pestering makes it grow cold.
If she starts sending messages like "I want you back" don't get too excited, your work has just begun! You need to play hard to get. If you just give in and go running back to her she'll quickly remember why she broke up with you.
This is something that's not at all guaranteed, but it's easily your best option. Because even if she never calls you again you'll be getting over her and moving on before you know it.
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