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male
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*ollybabe
writes:Hi everyone, I am hoping someone out their will help me with my dilema. I am a middle age man and has been in relationship with a very young lady half of my age, we have been together for 9 years and blessed with one child, 5 years ago I travel abroad for few weeks and by the time I returned my wife was having affairs. she apologised and I forgave her, I thought maybe she was bored at home, I encourage her to go back to university and she did. just one year into her nursing degree now, I discovered that she is having affairs again with one of her course mate in her uni.we do not speak the same language and even when she is on the phone with the guy, she pretended to be talking to a family friend we both know. I am confused at this point if she had actually stop this affairs as she promised, she leave the house every morning to the same uni and see the same guy. Can I trust her that she had stop or wont continue the affairs as I do not monitor her 24/7. I dont know what to do.and am worried about my child that we both loved. if the worst happen.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2009): No you can't believe it will stop.I wouldn't put a drug addict in charge of a pharmacy.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2009): cut your losses, she will not change, she will just change her modus operandi.
you are still young so you shouldn't be concerned about finding another partner. but this time choose wisely - perhaps someone more stable, mature AND faithful??
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male
reader, lollybabe +, writes (14 December 2009):
lollybabe is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to all that has responded to my concerns, My partner was infact over 18 when I met her, she look much older and lied to be 25 before we got together. This last episode happened in April this year and we have since been talking about it, All the point she raised we have been working on, i.e, holiday: we have been twice since, family day out:I work less now and spend more time with her and our son, and shower her with gifts every now and again. I am just finding it difficult to belief whatever she says at this point. the ? about security, Yes she confirmed thats what she is looking for. but thought I might leave her one day as she is not getting enough love from me. At this present time she has come forward to confirm that she never knew what she had at home is better than than what she is out their looking for. she is not in good terms with her family and I felt pushing her out at this time will hinder her life and the carreer I worked so hard for her to pursue which in turn will have effect on our son. again, she claimed that her friend that has been ill advising her in no longer in the picture. I love to give her another chance, but I am finding it very very difficult. I am feeling guilty whithin me, that maybe I might be going too far by dancing to her tunes and demands
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2009): I don't think the advice on a legal contract by Angzw is correct. You need the advice of a lawyer because the contract could be thrown out arguing that you didn't know all that it entailed. These agreements need to have all the loopholes worked out of them so they can stand up in court. You also need it notarized with witnesses.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2009): Sorry to hear that, but it's not an unussual story. Much older man, very young wife that could be his daughter age wise from a foreign poor country...
What are the odds that all will be like in fairy tale.Sounds like love wasn't the main reason why she married you. My opinion that she will never stop cheating, as you're getting older, and she didn't really reach her prime yet. She would want to have a young stud next to her in bed like nature prescribed, and stay w/you for security purposes. Sorry again.
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female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (11 December 2009):
I think she may feel she was married young and did not "have her fun". Are you sure she married you for love? Not for money or security. You don't have many options at this point, I if I were you, I would make her sign a postnuptial agreement/statement that basically says "I confess to cheating on my husband. I agree that if I ever cheat again that I will have no claim to my husband's estate and I will not be able to claim any financial support from my husband. I will also forfeit custody of my child to my husband who will have full custody". You do not need a lawyer to do this agreement, you can do it yourself on a home computer. This might work as a deterrent for her because she is clearly taking advantage of your patience. It sounds stupid but it worked for me, my ex signed this but he went ahead and cheated again but I had the agreement. When you reconcile with your partner after these cheating episodes it may be easy to go all romantic but sometimes you need to be practical. As for your child, if you have to divorce you can later try online dating on single parent dating sites and you can find a good mother to help you raise her. Good luck
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male
reader, BillyS +, writes (11 December 2009):
This is a tough one,
as i believe that this young lady could be with you for the wrong reasons. These affairs arent druken mistakes they are probably planned and built on lies. from past experience i have noticed that once a woman has cheated she will probably do it again and again. it is up to you whether or not you can tolerate this. maybe you should for the childs sake however maybe you also owe it to yourself to find some1 who loves you in all aspects. I cannot begin to understand how a womans mind works or how to tell if they are telling the truth. the best thing in my opinion is to go with your gut feeling and i know that you know what this is. :) good luck to you sir :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2009): Hi there, Im sorry but whether she is having an affair at this present time or not it doesnt sound like she is going to be trusted regardless when it comes to being faithful in the future. It sounds also like she does not have much remorse for being unfaithful in the first place as you said she was 'sorry' which doesnt seem to be someone who is full of regret.
She is as you have put a lot younger than yourself and i calculate was only around sixteen when you got together so whilst im not saying she has an excuse to be unfaithful it is easy to see why she may be going out and seeing other men as she may feel she has missed out on doing what a lot of people do at that age.
However you really need to decide what you want to do here onwards, you are clearly wanting fidelity in this relationhip but it is your choice whether or not you give her that chance again to be faithful. But what is also clear from what you have put is that you have forgiven her for other affairs, so do you want to continue forgiving her if she cheats on you again or is the possible next time the final chance.
I know you are worried about this as your daughter is also a big concern to you, but no matter what you sound like a great dad and if it comes to it where you decide you cannot carry on in the relationship with your partner then you can always remain a great dad to your little girl. But in all honesty i feel that your partner is probably feeling that she has missed out and down too young. Thats not to say she wont carry on in the relationship with you but she may also carry on having affairs if you carry on forgiving her. Sorry your going through this dilemma, i wish you all the best in the future!
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