A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I've known this guy just under a year- both in our early 40's- we met at work but dont work in same place. We have a few friends in common and others who arent. Since we met we have seen loads of each other - we now see each other every week or so, text nearly every day , speak on phone + email each other(both of us start the messaging). He always emails me on a sunday with all the news of what he has done over the weekend. If we arent seeing each other then he also tells me what he is doing at the weekend/evening and I let him know what I am doing - all in a nice chatty way. We get on really well - can talk for ages about anything and everything. I would like to be more than friends and he seems to show all the signs of liking me more than friends - its usually just the 2 of us together, he is always making some excuse to touch me - eg. hand on my arm, sits next to me with our legs touching, hugs me when we meet- smiles at me loads,comments on any little detail about me (only person to notice my haircut - well, trim really!!), treats me differently to other women and is always concerned about me (even offered me the use of his car when mine was in the garage!!) He knows about my ex and a past boyfriend but he has never mentioned a past girlfriend and nor has anyone else who knows him. Although he doesnt seem quiet when people meet him - he is shy and very unconfident. I have got to know a lot about him. He still lives at home with his parents and has a single bed. Do you think he sees me as just a friend or do you think that he might not have any experience with women and might even still be a virgin?
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at work, lives at home, my ex, shy, text Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much to everybody for taking the time to help and there is loads of things for me to think about and lots of practical help. I am really grateful to the people who were brave enough to give personal experiences - hearing what other people have been through is so helpful.
Just to answer the questions people asked- yes he has always lived at home with his parents - has own part of house- mostly for financial reason (he's in a low paid job as a carer, but isnt caring for parents).He isnt gay. He did have loads of problems growing up - think he may have had undiagnosed dyslexia/adhd. He has a lack of confidence, struggles with staying still/concentrating, has masses of energy, is totally unco-ordinated, can get on peoples nerves and can be really silly sometimes. He has had depression in the past and does find social situations difficult - although a lot of people think he is outgoing. He knows loads of people and talks to everyone and anyone but only has one or two good friends who know him well. He is also the loveliest person I have ever known.
A
female
reader, SirenaBlusera  +, writes (1 November 2009):
 It's not common, but it is possible. When to have sex for the first time is a personal decision, and virginity, or lack thereof, does not make a person superior or inferior.
I'm not sure where he's from, but in some cultures, it's common for several generations to live together. In some countries it's red flad if you move away from home and go to live elsewhere. There's no "wrong" or "right" way of doing things; it's all relative. Another possibility is that his parents may have health problems and he lives with them to care for them.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (1 November 2009):
 Yes, it is VERY possible that he is a virgin. This is very common.
I did a special seminar for adult male virgins such as your friend. He might be an abuse victim, he might be struggling with his sexual orientation, or he might just associate negative feelings with sex. There is definitely something going on though.
If you push the issue, he might run. The best way to bring this up is to move slowly, and understand that for the first few times, you will have to be the aggressor. In time, he might learn enough to feel comfortable with you for him to take the lead, but do not count on it.
You really need to come to terms with how ready you are to be with a man that might still need a "mommy" figure in his sex life. You also need to be ready for him to run, if you want a real relationship, and he is not ready to deal with that personal demon of his.
In my experience dealing with AMV and the women who loves them, your romantic interests are a time limited encounter. AMV would rather stay AMVs than let the boy die, so the man can emerge.
You can hear previews of my seminar for free at
http://www.franktalks.com
-Frank Kermit
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A
male
reader, lionelhutz  +, writes (1 November 2009):
Shy, unconfident, still lives at home....he could be a virgin....or maybe not. It sounds like he's interested in you and likes spending time with you. But to find the answers you are looking for you are going to have to be more direct or rather you're going to have to take the lead with him.
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A
female
reader, MinnieM +, writes (1 November 2009):
He may be a virgin, he may have a physical problem that he's self conscious about, he might not believe in sex outside of marriage, whatever the reason you won't know unless you ask him, or alternatively wait until he feels able to tell you!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2009): Yes he might be a virgin at that age. It's more common than you'd think. I was the same until very recently. I can't comment on his life and I don't really understand why it was that way for myself either to be honest (I posted a question on here where I go into it in more detail). I guess some people find it easy and it just seems to happen naturally. But for some people it doesn't, I don't know. But yes it is possible for him to be very inexperienced and that doesn't mean he's weird or there's anything wrong with him.
The same with living at home. Some women may find that a huge flashing red light (whoa, mommy issues!) and leave skid marks getting away from him but it might be for financial reasons, or some other perfectly reasonable reason.
To be honest he sounds very much like me. And I find it very heartening that he has found someone like you at this stage in his life. It gives me hope that there may yet be hope for me as well.
I don't know if he likes you more than friends or not but it sounds like he does, and there's no reason why he couldn't. If you feel there is something there then you're probably correct. If he's shy you might have to be the one to make the first move though.
I might be biased (because I see so much of myself in what you've described) but I hope you don't let this put you off. If you like him then allow things to progress and see how things go.
I believe a good woman is just what I need in my life and it's probably the same for him. He's very lucky to have found you.
I wish you both well.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2009): If he still lives with his parents anything is possible. Did he ever move out of his parents house or has he always lived there?From what you have described, I think it is certain he likes you but it is probably very likely that he hasn't had much experience with women or being in social situations. Therefore, if you really like this guy, you are probably going to have to be more outgoing and aggressive than him. He is probably very insecure when it comes to women and unsure of what to do, so you will have to show him the way.
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