A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So I ended things with my first boyfriend of not even two months (I was his first girlfriend also). Not officially, but I just started ignoring him because it was getting ridiculous. I could see that it was gonna get to the point of immature name calling and I feel like I'm above that. Things were great the first month (of course, right?)...he always wanted to spend time with me, made me feel special and appreciated, was VERY open about how he felt...basically we had great communication and an amazing connection.Then one day he told me he was moving 8 hours away. What happened is he and his best friend made plans in the summer (before he ever met me) to move in together cuz his friend in the navy wanted to have a real friend there and not just military people. He said he didn't want to go back on the promise he made to his friend, but that he now wished he hadn't made it cuz he didn't wanna go as much cuz he met me. He told me I could go with him...but I didnt want to cuz i thought it was too damn early in the relationship to move in with someone, ya know?When he told me all of this I was just bawling. I asked if he realized how great what we had was and he said of course thats why im still considering staying. Then when i told him how much i was hurting he was like I keep thinking to myself why did I even ask you out cuz then I wouldn't have hurt you, but when I asked you out I didn't realize you'd be so "cool". This made me mad so I was like well if you didn't think i was gonna be so cool...what were you planning on doing with me? Then he said I honestly dont even care about sex my friends make fun of me for it all the time. I felt horrible about accusing him of that and told him how I felt about him and said I didn't want anyone else and that I was in love with him and hoped it didnt scare him. Finally the next morning he text me and said it didnt scare him but made him sadder if he was gonna leave yadda yadda.From then on, he was acting different around me. Gradually, he stopped telling me i was beautiful-cute-pretty-whatever, he stopped holding my hand, he stopped cuddling when we'd go to bed(he'd still make out and whatnot though), he stopped sharing his thoughts and feelings with me even when I'd share my own he'd just ignore it and change the subject, he just basically acted like being around me was an obligation and was even kinda mean to me. Yet we only spent quality time once a week even from the beginning (how could i annoy him already?). He was just acintg weird and distant.One night, somehow we got to talking about sex and I asked him if he EVER masturbates and he got defensive and was like havent we already gone over this and said that he never did. Thing is, he told me before that he barely did it and now hes saying he never does. I was just curious about how much guys do it and esp curious about him cuz he said he doesnt look at porn. Lately he had been saying he was an "emotionless robot" but I couldnt tell if he was kidding or even half kidding so I was like quit saying that, quit playing games with me and he told me that he cared about almost nothing. That he wasn't depressed or happy, just content. That he overanalyzed stuff but NEVER worried about anything because he didnt care about pretty much anything. He said that it wouldnt even phase him if someone talked crap about his parents, and it didnt even bother him when someone stole like hundreds of dollars worth of stuff from his car including his stereo. I asked him if he cared about me and said really rudely "how many times are you gonna ask me that?!" I was like well do I make you happy?! And hes like...yeah if you didnt i wouldnt be over here. The most he could share with me is that "I like you and thats why im here!" He told me not to worry and overthink things with him. So then we started watching tv and I was sitting there freaked out trying to take it all in and he kept looking at me and asking what i was thinking about, i was like nothing ...then he held my hand to comfort me. Later he gave me a huge and long hug to try to assure me or comfort me i guess?Then things seemed to only go downhill from there. One day he told me he didn't even care about whether or not I started taking my birth control cuz sex didn't even appeal to him anymore. This hurt my feelings. It's one thing to not be a sex crazed freak but its another to not even want to be intimate with the girlfriend you supposedly care about so much! So he's being raised by devout Catholics but in the beginning he told me he wasnt like his parents at all, and that he was totally fine with the pill and using condoms and that nothing he did with me felt dirty or wrong. And see, he's the one who started doing things! When I was with him, I would just sit there and be nervous and scared and hes the one who started trying things with me. HE asked if he could kiss me, HE wanted to put his hands up my shirt, HE wanted to put his hands down my pants, HE asked me if I wanted to try to do him next. So it's like suddenly he went from being all excited about doing stuff to feeling guilty.I remember the first and only time I went to his house, we were laying on his bed watching movies.(this was before he had our first REAL kiss) So we were cuddling and his mom comes in and looks at us weird and is just standing there,finally she asks him if hes taking me home then says it was nice to meet you and and doesnt close the door when she leaves. Fucking awkward right? Then a couple hours later she comes back (I pretend im asleep lol), and I guess she gives him a look cuz he gets pissed and is like "what?!!" then she says something in Spanish and leaves. Then hes like I better take you home. The next day he gets into an argument with his mom cuz she said that we were being totally inappropriate by laying down. She said it wouldve been okay if we were sitting next to each other. So maybe eventually his mom started having an influence on him.But yeah, since he started acting different with me esp with the sexual stuff, I knew I had to confront him about everything cuz I was miserable with worry thinking he was slowly breaking up with me. So I ask him why hes acting so weird around me. He tells me he thinks its because I told him I loved him (i didnt say that lol) and that it freaked him out, that there was no way he could feel the same about someone he knew for such a short time and that he felt awkward around me cuz he didnt feel the same about me. I talk about that with him a lil bit then tell him he needs to decide if wants to still be my gf before he leaves and that he wont be weird around me anymore. So that night he tells me he still needs to think about it, I say just tell me now if you know, dont worry about hurting my feelings cuz im right in front of you i just need to know, and hes like no i havent made up my mind. And he tells me hes just a people pleaser and he cant help it and thats why we're in this situation and thats why he couldnt say no to me when i asked him if he wanted to stay with me (the first time i asked him when he first told me he was moving). I said we can at least try a long distance relationship and now suddenly hes saying he doesnt know cuz hes afraid we'd grow apart cuz hes gonna be there for a long time. So the next morning I sent him a long ass email. And I explained myself to him. I told him that I didnt say I loved him, I said I was in love with him...and explained the difference to him. (you know, in love comes before actual love and is like excitement butterflies whatnot) I also told him that he'd have to call me if we stayed together and he moved (cuz he says he hates talking on the phone, and he never once has called me-just text), I told him I didnt care that he hated talking on the phone-theres another person in the relationship you have to think about. Then I told him why I felt it was safe territory to say i was in love with him. Here are some of the actual things he said to me in the beginning:"im falling pretty hard for you""you may think you have flaws but to me you are perfect""youre the only reason im happy, thats why id never want to lose you""i care about you more than can be expressed through a text""i never actually thought Id find someone who I could be myself around until you"Before we even had our first kiss and I was visiting his town for the first time, I was like wow its so pretty here, the houses by the lake. And he was like, we could move there...its really inexpensive right now. And see that right there kinda scared me in the beginning...but not enough to act different around him and detach from him lol.So anyway after I sent him that email and explained the difference between love and in love, he changed his story. He told me he thinks he started acting different when he told me he was gonna move cuz he just knew from then on things would be different. And the reason he waited so long to tell me he was moving was cuz then that would mean he actually was moving. He said he couldn't change that he was a people pleaser and that if he wasnt nice a lot of people probably wouldnt like him and that I probably wouldnt either. He said he just doesnt think things would work out with us being the way he is and that he'd be gone for at least 5 years. He said that he cant help that he doesnt like talking on the phone, he just feels strange doing it cuz he wouldnt be able to think of anything to say and he said thats just another weird thing about him. About sex, he said that he fights himself all the time about that stuff. That its a temptation to him, part of him really wants to but part of him doesnt.My reply was that there was a difference between being nice and telling white lies to please everyone (which he has been doing to me). I said that its possible to be nice and also be brutally honest. I said about the phone thing that he would only have to talk to me for like 10 min and we could update each other on our days and lives. And I told him I couldnt change the way he felt about sex, but that I thought it was a shame that some people are raised to believe its sinful if its not done in marriage or for procreation and thats part of the reason I disagree with organized religion. I said that about his feelings for me, I think hes just confused and is trying to deny he has any strong feelings for me to protect himself from getting hurt. I also told him that when he matures more I think he'll regret how he handled things with me cuz girls like me dont come around that often.Then this is what he said in the last text I got from him:He said he doesnt even blame religion on the sex thing. He says he just hates being controlled by the temptation and fighting to give in to it just like how he hated the first time he tried pot cuz he hated not having control of his mind. Also he said that maybe some people can be nice and brutally honest but it doesnt mean it includes him. Then he said "I'm not gonna get hurt in a relationship, cuz I dont even worry about that stuff at all." Then he was like "not to be rude but why do you even like me? like you said yourself, im a tough code to crack. you dont even really know me cuz so far ive been only nice to you (bullshit)...ive realized that were quite opposites. When I told you all those nice things, I was being honest but I dont know after awhile the gf crush butterfly effect wore off and I started thinking normally again. and maybe youre right, maybe im not ready to have a girlfriend. and maybe you should be a little more modest, you keep telling me what a big mistake itll be if i lose you, you seem to think pretty highly of yourself. Yeah youre unique, but you dont have to be conceited about it."Wooooo.....so yeah that really pissed me off, that's the last I've heard from him. And I was like okay no more, I dont even care that hes moving now. Hes impossible to get through to and quite immature. The conceited thing was unnecessary because I wasnt talking about how great I was, I was talking about how great the WAY I treated him was. I dont know what his problems are...I dont think I could ever be with him again because of how fast he changed or seemed to, and how i cant tell when he telling me the absolute truth now. Cant trust someone that does that.But yeah, I know I have to get over him and I've cut any ties I have to him..deleted his number and whatnot...but I'd just like some insight so I can gain some wisdom from this and carry it into future relationships...thanks. Plus closure would be nice.
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best friend, condom, crush, depressed, immature, long distance, military, navy, porn, text, the pill Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi,
Thank you both. Sorry it was such a long read haha I just feel like if I don't include every detail the picture isn't complete. And yeah you're right, I should have confronted him even earlier because I was miserable there for awhile. And thank you so much for the support, I'll be taking things slowly now and just focusing on myself and if a great guy comes along-then great!
A
female
reader, Moroccan  +, writes (22 December 2009):
WOW well that was a clear example of how guys just dont get us girls!! If im honest with you from reading your story i would say that, things could have been avoided...as soon as he started acting different with you, you should have confronted him...because you were only getting deeper into the relationship. But theres no point crying over spilt milk! I also think you acted in a very mature manner, you ended up confronting him and even giving him some choices. But he couldnt even match them because he is IMATURE. It is very clear to see that the guy did not know at all what he wanted, but he was scared to leave you incase he made the wrong decision. Guys make it so hard on us girls...they never JUST saywhats on their minds and how they feel...but thats because they dont actually know themselves. You sound like a really nice person and by the way you type you sound like you have a good connection with people around you. Dont put yourself down about this guy....look at it as a lesson learnt. We all go through breakups its part of making us stronger in this cruel life. I would also like to add, if your feeling :( i wish we hadn broke up, whydid we have to breakup!!?....DONT because look at this as a blessing in disguise. Sometimes in life we are given things we dont want and things we THINK we want are taken from us. But this is part of growing as a person. I personaly think this guy is bit of an idiot and very confused about life in general, Maybe the effect of his mum being so over protective. In addition when he told you to not think so high of yourself or something...that was him being a MAN, men HATE it wen a girl acts like shes got the guy under the thumb ( even tho u wernt ) its like you have cut his d*** off. You say you want closure maybe you could get that when you find someone better than your ex and wil be better than the rest coz u deserve it. But for now think of yourself, keep in mind life is so short ( Brittany Murphey) life can be taken away from you in a second. So in enjoy life find what completes you as a person and clear your mind from bad past. You want to move two steps forward!
Hope this helped
xxMxx
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A
male
reader, RAINORFIRE +, writes (22 December 2009):
 that has to be the longest post ever , It was kinda funny though i have no advice for you really this is just the craziest thing ive ever heard im sorry i got sutch a good laugh out of it, im glad you broke up with him. i admit i skipped ahead but i mite go back and read the skipped parts because its actually good reading practically a novel.
Your a good writer maybe you could get an account on here and help others if you do feel free to add me as a friend
10 hours later~ ok actually its only been six i took a nap i decided to read the skipped parts this is good stuff you write with passion and fire. oh and that bit about love and in love thats gold i never knew that.
your probably not gonna gain any insight or wisdom from this i really dont see how you could you seem pretty intellgient do you feel like you got an ounce of wisdom from this. all i can say is thank God its over if your relationship went any longer dear cupids servers couldnt handle it.
any ways your great please get an account and join the dearcupid comunity
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