A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Insight on men needed (sorry, this is kind of long-winded):My boyfriend and I are..were in a ldr [long distance relationship](only 4 hours), but it was okay b/c we saw each other often and he was VERY into me, almost obsessive at time. Then, he got into some stress/business and completely shut me out. I broke up with him because this went on for weeks but kept probing b/c I needed closure and he always said the same thing, I really like you but I dont know how to deal/afraid of being so far away from you, I'm afraid its not going to work out and you'll just leave me for someone else. I've tried so hard to reassure him that I'm totally committed to him, but he's like a broken record (I'm positive he's not lying to cover his ass). Everytime I've tried to end with him in during these weeks, after several days, he'll contact me, and say something along the lines of, are we really going to pretend like we dont care about each other/I cant not see you. So I try to be nice to be him again, but its the same thing over and over. I even went to see him (to get some of my things from him) and I didnt even bring it up, and I got the same thing.. I really do like you, I just dont know how to deal. For my own sanity, I've decided to stop since nothing has worked. Can a man please explain whats going through his mind?As a woman, I really cant understand this concept of I can't be without you/I cant be with you. He's also fairly young and immature (I am his first serious gf/love/anything -- we were in highschool together 8 years ago and he has willingly admitted that I was his last serious crush since hs for the past 8 years) and he's also VERY shy (it took him 8 years of on and odd contact and 3 months of really close friendship to make a move). Do you think he just needs time to grow up and I should be patient and contact him again in a couple of weeks/months or no if he doesnt? And if he does, what is the best way to deal with him without being pushy but not cold either?I really do like him and would pretty much do anything to make this relationship work.
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male
reader, dazednconfsed +, writes (12 June 2008):
From what i hear, sounds like hes basically insecure about the relationship. He definitely pushes u away so he doesn't get too hurt in the relationship, yet at the same time he does want to be with you. The Long distance is definitely whats bringing his insecurities out. I'm guessing until you're finally together then this will keep repeating itself. hope this helps..
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the response. I def. agree that its a defense mechanism as well, I thought I could disarm it but looks like I cant.
Its a ldr because he's going to school and I have to finish up my work contract (1-1.5 more years) before I can move back home to where he lives.
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A
male
reader, krazieecko +, writes (11 June 2008):
I personally don't believe in LDRs unless they are only temporarily. Why are you in an LDR in the first place?
I feel like everything exists in his mind. All the doubts about whether you'll work out. Sometimes people think so much about things, they make it a self-fulfilling prophecy. I can't say for sure that's what he feels but I think it definitely plays a big role.
I think overall it depends on his willingness to make the relationship work and how are either of you are willing to meet each half way and give up something so the other can have theirs.
Lastly, this is a defense mechanism, pushing you away to make him feel safe. Counterintuitive but subconsciously he must be thinking of a way to protect himself if this doesn't work out, especially of the distance factor.
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