Boyfriend's family disapproves of our relationship and is forcing him to marry someone else

Tagged as: Family, Troubled relationships

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Question - (2 September 2012)

5 Answers - (Newest, 28 September 2012)

A female age 36-40, *oleenM writes:

This probably an unusual question. I am an English girl living in Spain, For the past 18 months I have been in a relationship with a Hindu man from Delhi. We had planned to marry in November, obviously completely against the wishes of his family. He recently had to go back to Delhi, and we have been in daily contact via skype. Last Tuesday I spoke to him and everything seemed fine.From that point onwards all contact ceased. His cell phones just rang and rang, though he didnt reject any of my calls. Yesterday( Saturday ) I received a text message saying he knew I was in a dreadful state, and very worried. He asked me not to phone him, said he needed to sort something out and would be in touch as soon as he could. I couldnt accept this explanation so rang him. He immediately answered his cell phone, and was clearly very distraught, sobbing down the phone, saying he had made a dreadful mistake. He initially refused to tell me what it was, just kept begging me to give him time to sort it out. Eventually he told me that over night on the tuesday his father ( who is a complete tyrant ) had removed all of his cell phones whilst he was sleeping and also stolen his passport. The following morning he was told that they were going to warn me off, he was to have no more contact with me, and that they would be keeping his passport to prevent him returning to me. He would be allowed his passport back only when he agreed to marry the daughter of a friend, but not immediately, only when they were satisfied that he could be trusted. They have also taken his ATM card. I have to admit that I really didnt know whether to believe any of this, but the more distessed he bacame, the more I started to realise something was badly wrong. We both love each other deeply but it is clear his family will never accept me. I know forced marriage does still happen in India, but I thought it was rare for it to happen to men. He says he was forved under duress to agree in principle to marriage but that he does not want to marry her....he wants to be with me. By this stay I was frantic and desperate, crying constantly, which caused him to become more upset/ I told him to go to tha police but he said that I dont understand how bad things could become for him. He has threatened suicide and I am desperately worried for his mental health. How can I help him. He has given me his friends contact details for use in an emergency. They returned one of his cell fones to him yesterday, one without internet access and have tried to delete my numbers which they are unable to do as he has password protected them. He says they are watching him constantly...if his fone rings they are there immediately, and have threatened that this fone will be taken away if they think he is contacting me.

Are there any Indian Nationals out there who can help I need to help him, not for me, but for him.

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A female reader, CindyCares +, writes (28 September 2012):

I think you have been naive . Not that's impossible that there are Indian families so dispotical and overbearing, but , in practice, when there's a will there's a way. If his parents stole his passport, well, I can understand one does not want to go to the police and press charges against his own parents, but how difficult is it to go to the passport office and declare he has LOST his passport somewhere and ask for a replacement ? that only requires a moderate cash fee and a wait of a few days , weeks at most, considering burocracy there may be slow. How difficult is it to buy oneself another cell phone, or borrow a friend 's ?.

I think your bf knew all along he was destined to marry within the community. I think the girl had been chosen way before he met you, maybe when they were still teens, he just decided to forget about it and play it by ear. I think he knew perfectly well about the Hindu Marriage Act , which, long story short , means Hindus only marry Hindus. True, there's also the Marriage Special Act for official registration of interfaith marriages , - but more in theory than in practice , because it is such a complicated procedure that it needs professional legal assistence to ba carried out, and anyway basically it's no good for a Hindu. Because marriages performed under this Act have civil ( State ) validity, but, obviously, not a religious one, so for all his family, associates, community, town etc.... you'd still be just shacking up,

which it is a big deal in his country and could seriously penalize him in his social life , work , career. And his family could simply disown him.

In other words, I guess your bf knew all along that he was bound to go along with his family's projects- he probably said to himself " I'll cross that bridge when I'll reach there".

Said that, obviously eventually people will do what they want to do , IF they reallly want it. Your bf , if he really wanted to be with you, could simply let the dust settle, get himself a new passport, come back to Spain, marry you there , and thumb his nose at his parents for the time being, hoping that in future they'll come around and reconcile with the idea of your relationship - and if they don't , too bad for them.

But, I think he has not got the guts, and most of all the WISH to do that. And what's worse, frankly, I think that , knowing his family, he knew all along that this is how it was going to end .