A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and his ex girlfriend ended up having a huge fight this past weekend and now she has decided to not allow him to see his daughter ever again and is going to file for child support.Not once in her daughter's three years of life has she bothered to file for any support.Before I go on, I'm not trying to say that he shouldn't be able to finaically support his first born child, but the timing really couldn't have been worst for us.Between the two of us we are making about $600 - $800 a month. We are just about to move out on our own and our baby is due at the end of October. I'm going to be on maternity leave for about 4 months (unpaid) so between Nov and Feb we will only have about $300 - $400 a month to survive on.She is also expecting a child with her boyfriend who still lives with his mom and refuses to move out or let her move in.She's taking my boyfriend to court later this week and I am freaking out because I don't know how we are going to be able to afford to pay for what we need and pay for the child support. She's made it clear she's gunna try and get every cent out of him that she can.She also has been posting on her facebook wall saying he is a deadbeat father and a loser, and just a bunch of other stuff, just because he was an hour late getting home after being sick with the flu for a week. He wasn't even supposed to have his daughter this past weekend. He agreed to take her because his ex said she wanted some her-time and so she could see her boyfriend and friends.I'm just worried that him and I are not going to be able to afford things for our daughter. She is set on milking him for all she is worth.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2014): He has a child and he must support his child despite bad timing, he should have been paying 3 years ago.
His X is wrong for using their child as a tool to threaten him,she should read up on 'child alienation' and it's devastating effects it has on innocent children.
You need to not interfere too much (although)you are effected by proxy, he should be a responsible parent and so should she.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (13 August 2014):
 It still doesn't matter. Her new pregnancy, her not using birth-control or having rich parents.
YOUR BF knocked her up. A baby was the result. THEY are BOTH responsible for this child. With HER being the MAIN caregiver she is ENTITLED to CS. Now she MIGHT demand CS all of a sudden because she is jealous or mad or whatever, it STILL doesn't matter.
YOUR BF made a child, he has to pay child support.
What he NEEDS to do is have pay stubs, a note from his landlord and a show of how much he earns. YOUR income has NOTHING to do with the CS.
The fact that YOU and your BF live under the "poverty line" might mean she gets a LOT less then you may think.
And.... there is always food stamps and WIC for you and your unborn child. Something to consider.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 August 2014):
 I don't see what your bf's ex 's pregnancies or contracception have got anything to do with your predicament.. Probably she and her partner can AFFORD to make babies , and if they can't, that's their concern anyway - it's not that you have to COPY all she does.
Ditto for her having rich parents. So what. That does not free your bf from the OBLIGATION to provide in first person for HIS child. For all you know, these parents paid for 3 years then they got fed up and decided to invest their money ... in Caribbean cruises , rather than in raising a child who's got a living, employable dad. This woman could be Bill Gates' daughter, and your bf would still be responsible for his offspring, as I am sure he knew already. He just got comfy with his ex 's laid back attitude- which she had the right to change any time she wanted, though.
As for your baby having being conceived by mistake ( and pardon me for having to remark that, but it's curious how a situation that IRL it is so rare to be statistically irrelevant,i.e. conceiving regardless of proper , punctual use of 2 different methods, seems to be a recurring theme here on Dear Cupid )- personally, FWIW, I think that anyway people should only have children IF they can feed them properly . Otherwise there's always adoption ( if you are adamant against abortion ).
I am sorry to sound heartless, while in fact I do feel for you and mostly for your baby who did not ask to be born in such difficult , challenging circumstances. But I am a bit taken aback by your stubborness in refusing to accept the evidence : your bf's first daughter is a child too, just like the one you are going to have , AND this child has legal rights that will not be negated by any of the details you mention ( well off grand parents, bitchy mom, etc. ). It boils down to that- your bf MUST take care of his kidS, plural, based on what the court sees fit. And that's the long and the short of it, regardless of how inconvenient this may be for you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm getting a C section due to health issues. My pregnancy is high risk. That's why I may be out that long for maternity leave. I had already talked to my doctor and she said that it would be the best interest for me to take that time off. I'm actually not even supposed to be working as much as I am right now but I can't afford not to atm.Also the pregnancy was an accident. I'd been on the same birth control for 3 or so years and had taken it religiously everyday at the same time. We also used condoms but it still happened.I do know, from what her ex told me that her new pregnancy with her current bf was not prevented at all. She wasn't on any form of birth control nor using condoms. She had gotten pregnant twice before by her current bf but had lost the baby due to a misscarriage each time. In fact had her last pregnancy not had ended in a miscarriage she would have been 4 weeks behind my due date.As far as finacially goes, she hasn't even needed the money from child support. Her parents are rich and have given her money to raise her baby. My bf had even offered after they broke up to have her file for childsupport but she told him no because she didn't need it.Like I said, I'm not againist him paying child support, but if by some chance she manages to get as much as she wants, him and I won't be able to afford what we need just to survive. The income amount is before we pay for anything, including food. Cheapest apartment we could find around here was for $400. And that doesn't include electricty or anything else. It is a relief to know that when she goes to file, she cannot deny him visitation rights. He also had told me that he's planning on lawyering up.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (13 August 2014):
Well, I get what you are saying.. BUT he MADE that child and thus he needs to TAKE responsibility FOR that child. HER child is NOT LESS his, then YOUR child is.
She CAN NOT DENY him access to his child, and then ask for CS. Life doesn't work that way, and CS doesn't either. He pays, she lets him see the child. What your BF needs to do is find a lawyer and make a visitation schedule.
As for her trying to get every cent she can.. WELL, IT IS NOT up to her what amount they ask for/demand - it scales to your BF's income. Unfortunately, depending on what state you live in she CAN ask for back-pay from the date of the child's birth. And that part sucks.
For the last 16 years my husband have been paying his EX wife and an EX GF child support - it came out to 40% of HIS paycheck. So I KNOW how you feel. I know how it SUCKS that YOUR child will have "less" of the "things" then you had planned for. BUT if you were the one who was a single mom, I'm SURE you would want the father of YOUR child to help SUPPORT you.
Some States do not give single mom's health care UNLESS they receive child support. SOME States do NOT give single mom BENEFITS(food stamps/housing) if they do not receive child support. So it can be she isn't doing it to SPITE your BF, but because she ACTUALLY needs help financially to raise THEIR child.
In all honesty. This is LIFE. And when you date a guy with other children, THIS is what can happen and in most cases it does happen. HE HELPED put that child into the world, HE should support the child.
The money isn't for the mom, it FOR the child. To take CARE of the child. To put food in the child's mouth, a roof over the child's head, clothes on his/her body and so forth. It' not so the mom can get a pair of manolo blahnik.
As for all the FB crap.. it's JUST that.. FACEBOOK CRAP. Facebook is NOT reality.
If I were you I'd stay away from her FB and her DRAMA. Support your BF the best you can, and be good to HIS child as well as your own. It's NOT the child's fault.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2014): Have you considered adoption? I know it's not the preferred solution and it will be heartbreaking but it's not his daughters fault that you two are irresponsible with the little money you do have, i.e getting pregnant.I'm not trying to be harsh, but you can't move out, pay rent, feed 2 adults, put enough diapers for 10 changes a day, by enough formula, pay for medical bills, buy a new wardrobe for baby every month or two, pay for heating, water, electricity, etc.... Unfortunately, the list goes on and your finances don't.You're so young and I'm not saying you wouldn't love your baby or be a good parent emotionally, but you're not physically ready or financially stable - two things that are NECESSARY to raise a baby. You don't have enough income AND your boyfriend's daughter needs child support. It doesn't matter if it's the worst time for you two, he should have been paying it from day one of him leaving.You think your boyfriend will be a good dad? A good dad would file for child support himself so that he was legally bound to pay it. A good dad would file for child visitation so his ex can't refuse to let him see his daughter. A good dad would NOT get another girl pregnant when he can't pay for two adults and child support as it is.I'm sorry, but I think all adults involved, particularly you and your boyfriend, have a rude awakening coming and I would really advise against moving out because your baby comes first and a baby will take up $200 a month when starting out, IF NOT MORE. The remaining $200 will not cover the rest of your bills while you're on maternity leave. Your boyfriend HAS to get a second job asap because day care per month for you to go back to work can take up another $200 and then your back to relying on only one person's salary, then take say $100 out of that for child support and you have $200 - $300 to live on and pay rent, food bills, electric bills, water bills, heating bills, car insurance, gas, medical bills, etc.Ultimately, you're not ready to give your baby what they need and you can't be annoyed about his ex wanting child support for their daughter because your boyfriend isn't worth much and you couldn't afford to have a baby BEFORE child support - she's not the reason you're in this situation.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (13 August 2014):
If I were you , I'd thank God for small blessings.
Your bf's ex is filing for child suport NOW, that means that your bf went scott free for three years when instead he should have paid since day one. He must have saved himself a bundle .
It does not matter what the ex's motivations are for filing for child support, maybe they are not noble motivations, but ultimately it's about acting in the interest of her child who needs and deserves that . She has been remiss in the past 3 years, now she is correcting her mistake. Exactly as you would and SHOULD do if you were in her shoes.
As for why your bf is so ghastly irresponsible to get pregnant a second woman ( you ) while he knows he does not even earn enough to support the first child , I don't know, ask him. Or, ask yourself why did you allow yourself to get pregnant when you have by no means enough income to support your child either with your current partner, or as a single mom .
I do feel for your unborn baby who is not being born in the decent financial circumstances, and with that minimal security and stability, that she would deserve , and I do hope that your family and friends may come to your help, or your State / country has provisions for situations like yours , so the baby won't have to be deprived of anything.
But, the other womany had a baby too, and it's not less important , or has less rights than yours- I am surprised, that , as a future mom yourself, you do not appreciate that.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2014): While I can understand where you're coming from and your worries, this does need to happen. When his ex takes him to court he will be told what he has to pay in child support and will also be given visitation rights. In other words yes he'll have to pay to support his child (and why shouldn't he?), but his ex also won't be able to threaten to remove his rights of access.
You have to put aside how you feel about his ex and how fair or not you think this is. He has an obligation to pay what he can to help to raise his child. This amount should already be a part of your budget. Where you say that we only have $600-800 per month to live on, does this include what he already pays out for his child? Is your boyfriend reliable when it comes to paying support for his child? Does he ever miss a payment, or are they ever late?
At the end of the day, you are involved with someone who has a child with someone else. He has a financial obligation to support that child and will do for many years to come. His ex and his child are going to be a part of his life, at least until his daughter is 18. There's a reason this is sometimes called 'baggage'. All you can do is present your arguments in court and show what his finances are like, but keep calm throughout. It may mean that you have to put your plans to move out on hold, you may have to cut your maternity leave down, but until you see what the judge says we're all just guessing.
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