A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:himy bf of 2 years, Steve, finds it difficult to relax and be intimate with me because my teenage son lives at home and rarely goes out. This got worse last year and our sex life decreased so much so that we havent had sex for six months now. I personally dont see it as a problem so much as i think we should be quietly making love in my bedroom when Steve stays over. But Steve disagrees and says he cant feel at ease knowing my son is about. I've tried talking about this over the past few months but our talks end in stalemate. We have no plans to move in together as he says it wouldn't work out with my son so it would have to wait until my son has left home. Also, Steve sleeps with me around once a month because he also has other reasons which stops him from sleeping with me here more often, which i won't go into. So our chances of intimacy are restricted. We do love each other and spend lots of time together, always seeing each other between two and five times a week. But I'm getting more and more frustrated and upset with our lack of intimacy.It doesn't bother Steve, he;s very laid back and says he doesnt worry about things which are out of his control.But things came to a head for me last night.. My son stayed out over night at a mates house and Steve also stayed over with me. But because i'd kept us both up the night before with yet another round of discussions about how upset i'm getting with our lack of intimacy, I was tired last night and went to bed around midnight. Steve stayed up watching TV saying he'd come to bed when he was tired. Again i compromised and agreed he should do that. At 3.30, I got woke up by the TV and i went down to ask him to turn it down, I was feeling cross but just went back to bed. Ten minutes later, I heard Steve snoring on the sofa so i went down feeling pretty hurt and angry and turned off the tv cos it was keeping me awake. He got angry and said he felt he was being treated like a kid and being watched! I didn't bite at his remarks and just went to bed but feeling really angry inside because all his excuses he usually gives me weren't there last night and he chose not to be loving and come to bed but as usual avoided being intimate.He came to bed eventually but we never touched all night!I feel i'm building up resentment for him and the love i have for him is slowly dripping away.Is this normal for a man to feel unable to make love to his gf because of teenage children in the house? He's definitely not gay or having affairs and i do believe he loves me because we talk all the time on the phone, or we're spending time together.But its all getting a bit too much and i'm beginning to feel his avoidance is becoming a big dealbreaker for me. He won't consider going away for a weekend either, so it seems like stalemate.Is this normal for a man in a relationship with a woman who has teenagers living at home or should i walk away knowing i've tried my best ? Or am i being too demanding???????
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (10 April 2012):
 He's using your son as an excuse...
what's the old saying "women need a REASON to have sex, men just need a place"
granted if you don't have kids you need to LEARN to take it when you can get it... or be quiet about it.
he had a perfect chance and he did nothing.
even when my man (with a low sex drive) comes to bed later than me (that's EVERY NIGHT most times)... he wakes me enough for a kiss and a cuddle and if we are both game something more.....
STEVE is in avoidance mode... not sure how old he is but he may be suffering from some ED and needs a medical work up.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 April 2012):
 I think he has a good excuse ( having your teenage son sleeping next door could surely cramp his style , in fact I am surprised it does not cramp yours ) but, that's what it is, - an excuse. Because he avoids intimacy also when your son is not around, and most of all because he refuses looking for an alternative solution, like going away for the weekend, or even to some no-tell motel, or borrowing a friend's palce, etc. When there's a will there's a way, if you care about something. Obviously having sex with you is not on his list of priorities, and he's happy to do without. Why, it's up to you to find out, if he is not cheating on you and not gay... I don't know, maybe he's having ED problems ? He's on drugs ? Or, alas, it's just a convenience relationship for him, he likes the friendship, the affection, the emotional security you provide, but has no desire for intimacy with you.
Whatever is it, no, I don't believe that a healthy male can stay 6 months without making love TO THE WOMAN HE LOVES. Nobody would be so cool about it " Hey, it's just life, what can ya do . We'll have sex when your son moves out... in 4 ot 5 years ".
So, there is definitely something he's not telling you. If you can make him spit it out, then you can see if it's something fixable. But if he withdraws intimacy and does not want to talk about it honestly, or hides behind lame excuses- then no, just give him his walking papers and waste no more time with him.
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A
female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (10 April 2012):
 It doesn't sound like he's avoiding intimacy because of your son, it sounds like he has a low libido and doesn't want to admit it to himself or to you.Men are "supposed" to be sex-hungry horndogs, always sniffing after getting laid. That's the "masculine ideal" that society puts out for men to act like. Anything less than this, and society judges you as less than a man. It's considered shameful to not always want sex, if you're male.Address this with him. Support and encourage him, ask him to be intimate with you sometimes, with oral or manual sex, or with toys, so you can feel intimate and connected with him and he doesn't have to feel pressure to "perform" or have penetrative intercourse.If you let him know that you'd be okay with non-penetrative intercourse as a compromise and that you don't think he's less of a man because of his lower libido, things might work out better between you two.
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