A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,I've been seeing a guy for around 6 months. At around 5 months in, he mentioned he was looking to buy somewhere in future and live on his own or with his sister. I asked him about this as I thought if things worked out between us that we would live together. I didn't ask about us moving in then and there, but in the future. He said he had never really thought about it.... he was just happy and for him this was enough for now.After this I went to see my parents (one of whom is dying). He decided to give me the silent treatment and back off due to having a think about moving in. I understand I should not have bought this up then, but things back home where stressful and I wasn't really thinking straight. I felt extremely hurt that he did not give me a bit more understanding given the situation. I apologised later on though if he did feel pestered (by all of two texts messages), but also that this was a difficult time and I needed him to support me. Not be involved, but just you know, understand, or at least try to.Since things started to go downhill. He has been nice on the surface, but distant. My instincts were strongly telling me something was very wrong. He has been subtle but I can tell something is not right and I have got the impression he is avoiding me. This created a bit of a cycle where it lead to some tension and admittedly, I did confront him when he was acting like this to try and clear the air. It made him feel 'nagged'. He would then go silent again .We talked about it the other night. He gave a lot of contradictory reasons for the silent treatments and distancing. I tried to remain calm and explain how his actions made me feel, how the tension was caused by this silent treatment which in turn, made me push to talk about things neither of us enjoyed and the various other ways it could be dealt with differently (like talking, if he is feeling uneasy, some space, but to let me know, rather than just imposing it on me without explination). I let him know, gently, that his actions came across as selfish and he didn't seem bothered by my feelings or the effect it might have on me. I also apologise if my trying to talk about it had made him feel bad... and that there was a lot going on for me back home which possibly did make me a feel a bit anxious. He did clarify though that it came down to the conversation about his future plans/ moving in. He said he felt under pressure on this (genuinely, I did not put ANY pressure on, but I think he might have a wider issue around the idea of moving in with someone). I have apologised nevertheless if he did feel accidently made him feel uncomfortable by talking about his future plans as I do understand this is clearly delicate for him but I just did not realise. He has a history of OCD. He lived once with a girlfriend briefly when young and it went badly wrong and a very upsetting experience for him. And previously, has been a heavy drinker (red flags I know, which I ignored only finding out 4 months in, but nevertheless ignored).My housemate is dating his sister and we are all friends making this a bit of a delicate situation. It comes across a bit like whenever he doesn't get exactly his way on things, he calls me 'needy' or a 'nag'. He genuinely seems to see other people's emotions like an inconvenience. I have reacted to the distancing by largely ignoring, I certainly have not pestered him. Living with someone else is something I would like to do in future....I have been upfront about that. I understand if this isn't for him, but find his way of dealing with it very tricky. I've tried to not let it get to me but it has made me question whether I am to blame? whether he is right and I really am a nag or worse...I have never, ever had this kind of situation in previous relationships.
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female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (8 December 2013):
 p.s. Maybe his sister didn't really mention his OCD and drinking 'in passing' but rather as a warning or at least to make you aware. I don't think that either her or your housemate will make you feel awkward if you decide to move on. As you say, lessons learnt. It seems that is what life is all about ..
A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (8 December 2013):
Thanks for feeding back, OP. You are allowed to be "completely selfish" about this major issue. You really are (though I don't call it selfish). You are perfectly justified in walking away and saying "I have enough on my plate without dealing with this, we are incompatible". All the very best to you and your family.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, I wanted to say thank you for all your helpful responses. It has given me a lot of perspective on this...
The OCD was mentioned by his sister to me, in passing around 4 months in. The heavy drinking in the past, around 3. I have not myself seen him do this, but I certainly would not believe it couldn't raise it's head in future, if he isn't actively self medicating. I cant see I could trust him in the long term really and this would make me unhappy in the long run. I am not convinced he has a handle on this and not sure he is commited to overcoming it (which he would definately need to be).
Even if he did want this to work (which I'm not convinced he does), being completely selfish here, it would not be worth it given what I have on my plate at the moment. This are my best years to find a good partner, I think I would regret settling.
On the plus side, I have learnt a lot - I have learnt what is important to me, and got a better idea of red flags and what I can/ can't deal with.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (8 December 2013):
I wonder why it took you so long in your post to mention his OCD and heavy drinking. Because I think the OCD the major problem. I don't think you're nagging or were unreasonable to suggest moving in with him at some point in the future. But red flags are just those: warnings to back off/ walk away - please don't ignore them.
Is he having any treatment for the OCD? Or just self medicating with alcohol? Because if he's not doing anything to address his condition, I can't understand why you'd want this relationship to progress. I'm not saying you should dump someone because they have an illness (mental or physical) but if he's just stagnating rather than addressing his OCD then he's not good relationship material. Forgive me if I'm totally wrong and he is under some sort of treatment.
It's hard to know what to suggest because you really have enough going on in your life at the moment, and extracting yourself from him may feel like too much, especially with the flat mate/ sister connection. But no, I don't think you're a nag or needy (just too needy for him) and I hope you at least have friends and family who can support you in your difficult time since your boyfriend is unable to.
Take care.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2013): Dealing with men with emotional problems and immaturity is a task. It is frustrating, time-consuming, and a total waste of effort. If you can't talk to a man like a logical and intelligent adult; then take that in itself as a red-flag.Men don't like emotional situations. We don't always express our feelings openly. That does not by any means excuse apathy! Insensitivity is a serious emotional flaw.What is the point of having a mate if you can't communicate on different levels? Even when it's uncomfortable or critical. They have to support and comfort you. Discussing your domestic problems is how adjustments are made to the relationship. By exchanging opinions, and discussing each others wants and needs. It's "nagging" to ears that don't want to hear them. It's nagging, if you persist in trying to get the point across to a person that doesn't care; and you're refusing to accept that they don't.You have a man-child. He wants what he wants, when he wants it. You walk on eggshells trying to open up your feelings and find out how to adjust them to formulate a working relationship. Well...he has OCD. Too much drinking will only exacerbate the situation. The symptoms become more exaggerated and the afflicted is more impulsive.Obsessive compulsive disorder is not easy on the afflicted, or their loved ones. Unless you have a full knowledge and understanding of this disorder, you took on a huge hurdle to cross in a budding relationship. You can't force reason down someone's throat; who, is trying to hold it together due to a compulsive disorder. It becomes confusing and stressful. They avoid stress and pressure; because they lose focus, and they are easily irritated.Your presence in his life is for his natural need of sex and companionship. He has affection for you, with the limited capacity to reason and make compromise. He is set in his ways. Your feelings and sensitivities are not his priority. Yet you continue in vain, to try and make him see your point. He had a failed relationship, and he doesn't see any difference in the one he has now. You're relentlessly overlooking the obvious. To him, this is just a continuation of his last failed relationship. All is well as long as you're quite, and content with things as they are.Find a relationship with less issues. You are complaining about what people usually break up about. The lack of communication, and apathy from their significant other.Good thing you haven't moved in. Fate smiled on you.
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A
female
reader, person12345  +, writes (8 December 2013):
 I'm sorry to say but your boyfriend is not as into you as you are to him. Maybe you two simply aren't a good match, maybe he's not ready for a commitment, who knows. But it's clear that he is trying to keep you constantly at a distance and I highly doubt it will change. At 6 months he SHOULD be at least thinking about where this is heading a bit, does he a see a future with you, etc... And he clearly isn't factoring you into his plans at all. When he thinks into the future he sees himself and himself alone. Best to leave and find someone who is looking for a serious relationship rather than something casual.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (8 December 2013):
The definition of 'nag' really depends on the person. So YES, you are a nag if the person you're it thinks you are. That doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong. I think in this case it means that the two of you might have incompatible ambitions in life.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (8 December 2013):
 I dont think its wrong to want to move in with someone or even think about it for the future, however I think you are barking up the wrong tree with this particular guy as he has too many issues around this particular point.
It probably was a bit soon to bring up the subject but his reaction has been a bit extreme and, to me, it sounds like he is not ever going to want what you want in the future...so you have to ask yourself:
Do I stay with him and just settle for only what he wants on his terms.
or
Do I quit now, stop wasting any more time with this one and find someone who's more on track with my plans.
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