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Boyfriend doesn't seem interested in the pregnancy and he's been talking to his ex

Tagged as: Pregnancy, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (2 June 2014) 5 Answers - (Newest, 2 June 2014)
A female United States age 22-25, *armaki writes:

My boyfriend and I have been together for over 6 months. We dated for nearly a year back when we were in highschool (9th grade) before he moved. We lost contact for about 5 years.

Well I am now 19 weeks pregnant with his child. This will be my first child and his 2nd child. It was an accidental pregnancy.

Well this last week has been really bad on our relationship. We've been fighting mainly because he said he really wasn't interested in going to the ultrasounds (he only went to one appointment with me so far and it wasn't even an ultrasound one) because his ex had made him go to every single appointment with her with their daughter. I really want him to go to this one because it's when we find out the baby's gender.

He gave me his facebook password and through that I found out he was talking to his ex (not the one he has a child with) about me. He told her we were fighting and he was just about done with me if it kept up. When she suggested it might be because of the pregnancy he said he doubted it.

The other night he messaged her and asked her that if him and I would break up, if she'd want to be friends with benifits with him. She saw the message but didn't reply to him. I also know she has a boyfriend who is in jail right now for something drug related.

My boyfriend knows I have access to his account but I haven't told him I saw the messages he exchanged with his one ex.

This past week was just terrible between him and me which upsets me even more than normal because the week before we spent several wonderful days together. He was so sweet and loving and talked about how excited he was that I was pregnant and that he wanted to marry me someday.

What should I do? Being my first pregnancy I really am terrified. I am only 20 and don't wanna do this on my own.

View related questions: facebook, has a boyfriend, his ex, in jail, she has a boyfriend

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2014):

Going forward, its probably best to decide to have children only with people who are already 100% committed to you and capable of supporting a child.

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A male reader, Mark1978 United Kingdom +, writes (2 June 2014):

Mark1978 agony auntHi

I am sorry you are in this pickle. I do hope your family and friends are being supportive. I don't think your boyfriend is mature enough, committed enough or ready enough for having a baby. He has already left one girl as a single parent, so I think its fair to say its likely to go that way again.

You have been together for six months, that's far too little time to be talking about commitment and long term plans, especially give that you are both still so young. Obviously the pregnancy has put you into an awkward position in that respect, but you are both very young and only been together a very short while. Yes you spent a year together at high school, but lets be honest, that was kids stuff. Two school kids playing at relationships. Six months seems a long time when you are young, but as you get older six months is nothing. Him saying he wants to marry you one day is hardly a contract signed and sealed. Its the talk of an idealistic teenager/early twenty something im afraid.

At around 20 years old he has had, presumably, two unplanned pregnancies and now is considering a sex buddy situation with his ex?! Clearly he is more interested in sex and than committing to the mother of either child. What if he gets his ex pregnant with his FWB situation? That will be three kids and still no change for him.

At a time when he should be holding your hand through a scan, and getting excited about the sex of the child, he wants to hold the body of another woman and get excited about sex with her!

Im sure this lad was just as sweet and loving with his ex as he is with you, until it got close to reality time with the baby when he did his vanishing act.

I would prepare for bring up this baby alone, i'm sorry but he just isn't committed or mature enough.

Mark

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (2 June 2014):

Honeypie agony auntI agree. YOU need to prepare for single motherhood, JUST like his ex. And YOU need to relax and focus on the baby. You are HALFWAYS there. Whether he chats up other girls or not, your priority should be the baby's and your health.

The fact that he now has knocked up 2 girls makes me guess that he isn't BIG on protection and quite careless sexually. YOU got pregnant less then a month after you two started to date. That is rarely a good start of a relationship.

And as you can see he is lining up the next baby momma. Someone he can be FWB with. With his attitude towards PREVENTING pregnancies, I wouldn't be surprised if she agreed to his little FWB, that she will be the next.

WHAT you have to realize is that HE isn't the same guy he was in 9th grade. He is however VERY immature and not at ALL ready or willing to take care of his responsibilities.

Like CMMP said, you NEED to get your support net ready. YOU need to have a WAY out. YOU shouldn't HAVE to deal with HIS crap. Not while pregnant and not while NOT pregnant. What he is doing is NOT your fault. I think SEX is how he deals with stress, unfortunately.. not safe sex. Because the NOT safe sex leads to babies and more stress.

If he continue to act like a douche-canoe is that really a GUY you would want to marry? OR do you think you HAVE to stay with him because of the baby?

I'm sorry you are in this predicament. There is a silver lining though. MANY MANY woman have made it on their own raising a child. YOU can do it to. It's not going to be easy, but if you have support from family and friends it will be easier, then STAYING in a totally unhappy relationship with a guy who doesn't REALLY want to be a Dad... again.

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A male reader, CMMP United States + , writes (2 June 2014):

I'm sorry you're stressing out so much, but for the sake of the baby you have to try and figure out how to relax.

One thing to remember (almost every guy I know can vouch for this), is that pregnant women can be a little... nuts. So what seems like a big deal to you may not really be that big of a deal to most people.

In the case of ultrasounds, I don't get the excitement people have for them, but I understand why that would bother you. However I don't think it's an indication of his interest in your pregnancy, just that his interests are different than yours.

The big issue is that he's already lining up women to sleep with in the event you should break up. I honestly hate to say this, but it's possible this relationship won't survive for very long. If not during the pregnancy, it could be during the difficult early months when both parents are stressed from lack of sleep and other baby issues.

If I was you I'd start readying your support system. Make sure you have a plan if you two were to break up. Would you be able to live with family? You've only been together for 6 months as adults and that makes it very difficult to get through the tough times. I'm hoping I'm wrong, but I'm saying this so that you aren't screwed if it were to happen.

And if it does happen, you'll be okay. Being a young single parent is not easy, but it's doable, especially if you have a support system. Don't stay with the wrong guy because you're afraid of leaving. You should be afraid of spending your life miserable with the wrong guy when you'd be much happier without him.

Good luck!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2014):

"He was so sweet and loving and talked about how excited he was that I was pregnant and that he wanted to marry me someday."

Don't believe what he SAYS, believe what he DOES. He's telling you what you want to hear while he's doing what he wants.

"What should I do? Being my first pregnancy I really am terrified. I am only 20 and don't wanna do this on my own."

Sorry, but it seems that you need to prepare for the very likely possibility that you will end up as a single mother given that boyfriend already has one baby mama who's apparently doing it on her own and he's making fallback plans to get laid when he walks away from you and your pregnancy.

Hopefully you have family and friends to support you through this, and you should consult an attorney to ensure you and your child's legal rights are protected.

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