A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for a few months and are in our late 30's; somewhat older and wiser, you could say. Unfortunately with age comes more baggage. From the beginning there was a "red flag": his very close friendship with another woman, which had spanned decades. The woman is and has been single. They have been through a lot together. They dated in high school, have been lovers off and on over the years, and "extremely close, special, friends" (his words). He says she has broken his heart, and he even proposed to her once. He is godfather to her child, who is now a young adult, having helped raise the child over the years, and he and this child/young adult are still very close.When I met him, he was going over to their (the woman's and her child's) house practically daily, having dinner with them often, had a key to their house, was on the same phone plan, spent some important holidays together, and was helping them with household and yard chores. Sure sounds like a relationship, right?I watched and observed for the first couple months but then finally had enough. I realized the situation made me uncomfortable, and I had to establish boundaries. We practically broke up when I did so. To his credit, he was willing to compromise some and has relinquished the house key, gotten off the phone plan, and cut down on the contact. However, he thinks it is OK to run over to help her if she texts him for something. He claims he is doing it as a friend. He still wants to go over there at Christmastime. He still wants to be able to drop by her house (without me) to say hello. He calls this child his daughter. Am I being extremely naive? Should I stay or should I go?
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (28 October 2013):
 I support your choice but whatever you do at the end know that it would be fine. It doesn't look like you will dwell on it for too long, or regret it. If there are anti-abortion people walking outside the clinic. Pay them no attention and don't let them bother you. Lots of hugs.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello again everyone. I came on here to review the responses from four months ago because I am in the same relationship and still having some problems. And, I am pregnant. Yes, I know, my common sense flew out the window. What happened was that we go through periods where everything is wonderful, we profess our love for each other and how we want to spend the rest of our lives together, but then we will have an ugly fight about this woman or her daughter.
He is not spending time with this woman, other than rarely when he goes to pick up the daughter. The problem is that he goes off to spend time with the daughter and I am being excluded. Last week he went to visit her one evening at college and told me that if I was there, she wouldn't be able to relax and spend openly about the troubles she is experiencing in college. Last night he chauffered her to college, and sure, I could have joined them, but sitting in the car for 3 hours isn't my idea of a nice way to spend a Sunday evening getting to know someone.
So I've spent all of 15 seconds with this girl, in the over 7 months we've been together, and she has never met my children. He insists that is he talking to her, working on her, trying to convince her how she needs to come spend time with our family. He just doesn't get it that he can't force her to accept me, and that he just has to lay down the law that he is with me now and if she wants a relationship with him, she has to have one with me and my kids as well.
Although he has continued to follow the limits I established with his female friend, his resentment at following them still bubbles up. Reviewing these posts, I see that this is no different from four months ago. We tried to visit a couple therapists, and one of them told me point blank that I am jealous and insecure, and he should be able to go see his friend and talk to her however he likes. Now my boyfriend refers back to that therapist whenever we fight, implying that I am wrong for feeling how I do.
I strongly believe in commitment and working through problems, but my health and the health of my unborn child is suffering because of all the fighting and the toxic environment it creates in our home.
I am pro-choice but never ever thought I would consider having an abortion of my own. But now I am considering having one. My boyfriend would be devastated and deeply hurt if he knew I intentionally destroyed his baby. He does not have any biological children of his own, and this would be the best thing that's ever happened to him. I am considering getting a medical abortion with the pill so I would miscarry at home and not have to reveal the truth to him. It is my body and my choice. I am still very early in pregnancy (only 6 weeks).
I've already asked him to move out so my home can be my safe refuge rather than full of negativity, though we remain committed to each other while we work on our problems.
What should I do? I need advice.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (28 June 2013):
It's not so much about how many days out of a year he's gone to see her. The less he sees her the more he misses her. It's like your role in this is to fill in the parts that she can't give him. That's the fundamental problem. He doesn't want to understand because he is not willing to give her up. If by any chance she decides to try a relationship with him, do you think he still wants to be with you? Maybe some people can only do well with fantasy and not reality but is this a guy you really want, who seems to be settling for you because he can't be with her?
If he needs explanation why boundaries are important, he should not be in any relationship.
To truly let go of a person, you have to not see them permanently. When you see a person of interest at least few times a year, it is enough to ignite the desire each time you see them. Even if you live with him it's like her presence lingers. He will be carefully planning each visit and anxiously looking forward to it. You are not too close to your boyfriend but maybe if you pay attention you could notice that his mind and heart are not 100% with you.
Give him the freedom to see her as often as he likes. Give yourself to the freedom to find a guy who wants to give you his all. Even being single is better than being with this guy and bargaining with him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOK, let me describe the current situation so that you have a better idea of how it is now. What I described in my original post was how he was behaving when I first met him.Currently the child has moved away for school, and my boyfriend is not going over to the house to see this woman. They are not talking on the phone, other than rarely (once he called her to see if he could bring me to a party he was invited to, and she said of course). Texts they have exchanged have been infrequent and mostly regarding the daughter, like what you would expect with an ex. He agreed to not go over to her house on Christmas day, as he has been doing for many years.So the situation has vastly improved since the beginning. If it hadn't, I would be out of the relationship. The reason I am posting about the problem is because he still thinks that because she is a friend, if she were to ever ask him for help for something, he should do it; this happened just once recently and he became very upset when I told him I thought it was inappropriate for him to drop everything and rush to go help her; it wasn't even an emergency. He also still would like to go over there just before or after Christmas to give the child gifts (I suggested the child come to our house, which wasn't all that well received). The worse part though is he is chafing at the boundaries I have set. He simply doesn't understand why I am not "allowing him to see his friend". He gets angry about it. So while he is going along with the boundaries I have imposed, it's like he doesn't really understand or respect them.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (28 June 2013):
 Wake up!!!!
You wrote your initial post on here because you know it's a huge red flag! Women have flushed their lives down the toilet by excusing and overriding red flags like this. It's a DEAL BREAKER! It should always be a deal breaker, and you need to stop wishy-washing this.
If he is with her, he cannot be with you. Unless you're a fan of polygamy, then run! Stop making excuses, or you'll be telling a friend in a matter of months or years that the worst mistake you ever made was to ignore the warning signs and red flags.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI really appreciate the responses so far. It does concern me though that the answers are uniformly negative. I'm afraid that I didn't speak of my boyfriend's positive characteristics that are causing me to stay in my original post. He is a good man and truly does mean well. It is his nature to help others and would go help any friend or family member who needed him. He is very honest and trustworthy; I know he won't cheat on me sexually. He is very reasonable, hears me out, considers my thoughts and feelings, and is willing to compromise. Until it gets to the point where he refuses to respect my boundaries, I feel like I need to give him a chance. Yes the situation with his friend is difficult, but it hasn't played out fully given the short amount of time we've been together. I admit that there is a small part of me that wants to leave, but the rest of me wants to stay with this man and try to work on this problem together.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2013): Please get out of there! I don't think you're overeacting at all... Too accommodating to the point you seem to be feeling confused about what to think. Let him go... You should be his number one priority but it seems like this friend is more important to him. That is not a fair relationship. Love yourself and don't put up with this. It will only lead to further furstutrations.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (27 June 2013):
You're not being naive. This sort of thing doesn't fall under the "he should be able to have female friends" clause in a relationship.
Women who were former lovers, former crushes, or he's ever had feelings for her are disqualified from being platonic. He would have married her and now he's biding his time with her.
Unfortunately, this relationship is a new one, so your only option is to tell him that there is one woman too many, and leave. The only time a man should have any sort of contact with an ex is if they share a child together, and only then is the contact limited to child-rearing and visitation. Nothing more, nothing less. Anything else, like family outings or dinners should include you unless you specifically are okay with it.
I would never put up with a relationship described as "on again off again lovers". There's an extremely high probability of an "on-again" happening within your relationship.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (27 June 2013):
You have only been with him for a few months. Feeling second best, it should not be a problem letting go of him. He is insisting on being a friend so he never loses contact in case his girlfriends can't tolerate this friendship. He has to learn it the hard way that if he doesn't cut contact with her, he doesn't get any new girlfriends.
There has to be reason why she is single all these years. Perhaps she thinks she gets the best treatment from men when she denies weak men love? Maybe she thinks that once she opens up to him all that loving treatment would cease and she will stop being special. On the other hand he put her up on a pedestal. She is the unattainable ideal that he worships because she is just so different from the rest, from women who are clingy and usually demanding a commitment from men. She is using him and feeding his fantasy and yearning for a love that will never be. Sounds like a codependent friendship. A safe one also in which no one risks heartbreak, no pressure, no real chance to see each other's flaws should they live together. She is not letting him go either, so he can have a wholesome relationship with another woman. Would you really respect a man who is in this kind of friendship?
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