A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating a divorced guy for 2+ years. He has been divorced about this long as well. His ex-wife lived in another state with their child, but recently moved here to be closer by. She has known he was dating this entire time, and never had any problems with it. However, now that they live close by and he is seeing his daughter regularily she has told him that he cannot do things with his daughter, me and him. He has to get her permission for every activity he does with his daughter, and usually spends his visitation time at his ex-wife's apartment. (two evenings a week, and every saturday)His court order gives him unrestricted,unsupervised visitation. What she is doing is generally called spousal interference.This seems really messed up to me. This is not what either of us were expecting when she moved here, but he does whatever she says so he doesn't "upset" her. I have tried to be understanding and give them time to adjust to the move. (it's been a quite a few months now) There has been no improvements though and I'm begining to feel angry. I cannot build a life with this man if he spends half his time still practically married to this women now that she moved here. (He says it's not what he wants either, but he continues to let her control him)Just how "patient" and understanding am I supposed to be before I say enough is enough? I know its something he needs to do himself, but I don't know if there are some suggestions I could give him that would help him. Anyone experienced this and have any suggestions that worked for you?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2010): Your bf is giving his ex mixed signals and HE is choosing to act almost married again with her. He spends 3 out of 7 days with her. Wow!!!
Are u sure he is totally over his ex? Why did they get divorced?
LoveGirl
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to everyone who has posted. I really appreciate your feedback. It's so difficult to know what to do or not to do when you are in a situation you've never been in, and no friends or family have been in it either.
I'll keep checking back and I'll make sure to post if there is a resolution.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2010): WOW its like listening to my sister all over again. She was engaged to a guy just like your boyfriend. He too has a child with another woman and she too moved (followed him) once she found out he was with somone else. Long story short she slept with my siters partner only two weeks after their engagment party. It was always her plan to get him back. My point is SCREW this. He obviously is not totally opposed to his ex wifes company and does not appear to value you at all, I would call it quits with him and get away from that nasty controlling bitch. If ur like my sister u will always be wondering what is going on when he is over there. She went through two years of hell im just glad she had the strenth to leave.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2010): I'm sorry to say it, but I think he's lying to you. I think he's having a relationship with his wife again, which is why he's spending so much time at her apartment. I believe that she, with his knowledge, came back so that they could try to patch up the relationship.
And even if I'm wrong, what kind of life is this for you? You're being much more patient than I would be. You need to tell him exactly how you feel. Let him know you're angry and that this arrangement is hurting your relationship.
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A
female
reader, Myrrh  +, writes (12 November 2010):
 The only advice i can offer is that you do as i did. At first i tried to keep out of things and just offered my partner support. But over time i realised how badly my partner and his ex wife were affecting MY life and as such, that gave me a right to have a voice. So i called her and we had a few chats about things. It might have gone badly but luckily it didnt. We reached an understanding and things were alot better afterwards. It might be worth your while trying to talk to her. I hope things work out ok x
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A
female
reader, Myrrh +, writes (12 November 2010):
You are being very patient. Not only towards his ex wife but to your partner too. Having said that, it must have been quite an upheaval for her and her daughter to move state, just to be close by. And im wondering what tempted her to do that. Are you sure your partner didnt agree to these conditions beforehand and thats why shes expecting this from him?
I was in the same situation once and i know how frustrating it is. Over time you will begin to feel like the 'other woman'. And the more your partner seems to bend to her will, the less respect you will find you have for him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the posts so far. I really appreciate them. I'd really love to hear of more ideas for this situation.I HAVE talked to him, since the first time that she threw a fit when he tried to go to the museum with me and his daughter. His daughter likes me (from the few times we did thing) which was also part of why his ex is freaking out about it. From what he has told me, she doesn't want him to do stuff with me and his daughter together because we would "look like a little family". Also, she didn't think when she was getting divorced that it meant she was losing him. (She thinks when you get a divorce that you still act married in regards to raising the child, but you don't live together and can have other relationships romantically)Basically, her sense of "reality" is really wacked. I doubt that part is really going to change no matter how many "seeds" he tries to plant. What can he do though to make it clear to her that he is moving on with his life and she needs to accept the reality of being divorced, without losing the chance to be with his daughter? (and.. how long should I give him to stand up and make it happen?)
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A
female
reader, fisch777 +, writes (11 November 2010):
I would talk to your boyfriend is you haven't already and express your feelings/concerns. Then I would have/ask him to ask her why this is? He's most likely going to have to be careful on how he ask (his tone, wording, etc). There may be an actual reason she suddenly doesn't want you around her child. For example, maybe the child is uncomfortable about the whole situation of her dad having a gf or what not, etc. Or She could easily being doing this out of spite and if thats the case then he needs to make a decision about what to do because theres no way you both can have a normal relationship when he spends that much time with her and she basically has control over your guys relationship.
Good luck/
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2010): I'd bet dollars to donuts it's about the child. He worries the wife will make his life hell if he doesn't play her game, but what he has to realize, is it's damaging his life with you.Plain and simple, I'm going to say he needs to man up. For him, for his daughter, and for you. His wife has no control over his life unless he lets her, and if she tries to use the daughter as leverage, get her straightened out in a court of law.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionA few key facts:
They are already divorced and have been for some time now.
I have met his daughter already starting about 2 years ago. (6mo or so after we started dating) when they came to visit.
Her and her daughter visited us and stayed in our apartment for a weekend when she was apartment shopping for her move. When she went to an interview, me/him/his daughter went to a park for a few hours.
Me and him spent a weekend at her apartment before they moved. (She suggested the idea to get to know me she said)
We have done activities always the 4 of us. Which is obviously fairly stressful for everyone involved, but we were trying to "get her used to the idea" and give her a chance to see me around her daughter.
It is only now that they moved officially, and he mentioned he was going to take his daughter to a museum with me on one of his visitation days that she freaked out.. and he's been caving in to whatever she wants ever since. (despite telling me that it's not what he wants and he's "planting seeds" and doesn't want to rock the boat)
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (11 November 2010):
It's as simple as this. She is breaking the law, and even he has admitted it. But he's not doing anything about it. He can do whatever he wants with his daughter. If he continue to allow this, you will need to call it a day with him, because there is no way realistically that you can have a relationship with him if he's this weak towards her. You have tried to be understanding, you have tried to give the time. I commend you for that. But the time now has come for you to tell him that you find it unacceptable that he is at her call, and that unless you see changes, you will have to end things because he isn't there in the relationship.
He can step up and sort her out any time he likes. He's choosing not to. He needs a kick in the ass here. And unless he gets it, or changes, you will need to end it. It is unreasonable of him to think a relationship can be run like this.
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