A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I discovered my boyfriend was cheating on me even after he knew my past of being cheated on and how badly hurt I was. I was so surprised because he earned my trust for over a year and a half before we even did anything. I really trusted him because he made such an effort to earn my trust and he was so respectful. I thought wow, I must really be special for him to go out of his way for a year and a half to be with me. Who would do that for sex?I told him from the start that I don't want gifts or fancy dates, what means the most to me is honesty. He promised he would never keep anything from me.After we made it official, he started acting weird. He grew very distant and no longer made an effort to treat me kindly. I soon found he had an active dating profile and that he was seeing at least two other women in another state. When I confronted him, he denied everything, even though I had hard undeniable evidence.After this confrontation, he told me goodbye and refused to apologize or admit anything. I asked him why and all he could say is that he thinks about me a lot and feels horrible. It has been four months. He has texted me on and off telling me he misses me and that he thinks of me quite frequently. He often says "hmm" but when I ask him what, he responds that he is just thinking. I try to get him to say what he is thinking and he just closes up and changes the subject to something silly.I am having a very difficult time letting go. I am so hurt that he spent so much effort on me only to hurt me. I keep trying to put the pieces together to try and understand why and nothing makes sense. I don't know how to get him to give me the truth or answers. I just want to understand. What is the best way to go about this situation? Should I continue to talk to him and hope that he gives me a reason? or should I block his number so that I know it's over and that we will never speak again? I don't know if I can do the last one, but I know it is probably the wisest and the most logical. Please help me.
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female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (17 October 2013):
 I'm in agreement with Honeypie; well done OP! Staying No Contact is vital. You're on the right path, you WILL get over this. Give yourself time to get over this, and be patient and compassionate to yourself. As you know, you're not alone x
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (17 October 2013):
 Good for you!
Now who is the stupid one again? HIM - It's nice to know that there are people who actually take the advice people here on DC tries to give and more importantly that it works for you.
I hope your continued journey will bring you happiness.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for being so helpful and straightforward. Your replies helped me quite a lot in this rough time. I haven't spoken to him nor have I had to urge. I read online about narcissists some more and realized how every "sweet" thing he did was used as a manipulation tactic. Some of the things he said I found word for word on these sites as if they were telling my story. It's crazy, but it feels great knowing I'm not just insane as he tried to make me feel. When I get sad or miss him (which is getting much much less frequent) I remember that the man I "miss" didn't actually exist. It was an illusion of a man he knew I was in search of. He used my good nature against me to trick me. Every trait and tactic I read about was one that he used on me. I was just so blind. So silly. I know he is doing the same to her, and it angers me. But I understand he does not have feelings or remorse for what he does. It's all about him. I warned her at the beginning very politely, and she chose to believe him that I was crazy. In time, she will learn. I hope she doesn't get too hurt by it.Now all that's left is for me to forgive mywelf for ignoring all the red flags. For falling for all his manipulative moves and allowing him to play me like a pawn in his messed up game. I am very very thankful I didn't fall into it for a longer period of time. I read some stories of victims of narcissists where they were married for so many years before they walked away. If those women can do it, so can I! II also have to let go of the anger I have for this man. It's destroying my balance and sometimes it's so overwhelming. I have actually scheduled an appointment with a psychiatrists in hopes that I can get some professional advice on letting go. But thank you all so much. If I hadn't found this site, I feel like I would have been stuck longer. Re-reading your responses any time he contacted me prevented me from getting back into his game and falling for it all over again. I just cannot thank you all enough. :)
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female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (9 October 2013):
I just wrote loads then went to search for a link and my essay disappeared!
Anyway here's the link: http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/no-contact-why-you-need-to-keep-your-proverbial-door-closed-even-when-they-try-to-break-it-down-by-any-means-necessary/
You don't have to feel like an idiot, you just need to learn from your mistakes.
You can block him, your life won't crumble apart, in fact the opposite will happen: you will feel empowered and you'll be free of all his crazy drama.
I promise you that you can do it and move on from this 'assclown'. X
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (9 October 2013):
********I guess this has taught me the downsides of creepin and the downsides of responding to him. All those things do is get me in to trouble and make me feel like an idiot.****
You said it yourself, YOU make yourself "feel" DUMB when you PLAY his game, this is why No Contact works. He plays a power game, where HE is always right and everyone else wrong.That doesn't mean he is actually right, you know.. Just that he "thinks" he is. Doesn't mean you ARE AN idiot, but the he still has the power to make you feel that way.
TAKE away his power. Ignore the dude, remove him from your life. So that YOU can live yours.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI want to thank you for sharing that site in reference to no contact. I actually downloaded the authors book to my kindle and it helped. I made a mistake and I was looking up the other woman on Facebook, I accidentally requested her. I took back the request and blocked her immediately but she still got it and he went off on me for being sneaky and lying to him. I'm so frustrated that I even checked and then the fact that I got caught checking just makes it so much worse.
I'm having a very difficult time blocking his number and for whatever reason it's hard not to respond to what he's saying or allow myself to be affected by it. I'm very mad at myself for responding to him. It's like he's already won because now I just look pathetic. It kills me how much emphasis I put on what this jerk thinks of me and how little he carss for me feelings. He even threatened me by saying that I "better not be lying" about why she got a friend request from me. He went off the handle over a friend request after everything he has done to me these past few months?! He's allowed to lie about legitimate issues but I'm put on trial for a damn accidental friend request?! I'm just so mad.
I guess this has taught me the downsides of creepin and the downsides of responding to him. All those things do is get me in to trouble and make me feel like an idiot.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (30 September 2013):
It's a good idea to block him. In the mean time, keep ignoring any texts or phone calls. He should get the message, though some people are very tenacious ... all the best, OP.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you! I'm seeking all the help I can get in order to prevent myself from regressing and wanting him back. It's hard sometimes, but I know over time it will be easier. He does hate himself, he even said so himself and while I know that part of him said that to make me pity him, there was definitely some truth behind it. I'm going through the process of blocking his number this week. I wasn't gonna go through the hassle, until I received a text from him yesterday. It was a picture of one of my bobby pins and it said "little reminders of you keep popping up." Thankfully, thanks to you guys, I have realized this is his way of stringing me out and keeping me attached. He knows I'm a sweet person who has trouble ignoring people. But I am growing wiser. Thanks again!
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female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (29 September 2013):
OP, he probably doesn't like anyone that much. Especially if you think he's a narcissist - those people hate themselves deep down. and I also pity the woman he is dating now. Let's hope she can be as strong as you when she sees his true colours.
I'm so glad to hear you're moving on. If you ever feel particularly wobbly or weak, there's a great blog at www.Baggagereclaim.co.uk, which covers all sorts of relationship topics from going no contact to being a people pleaser/ fixer. You might find it helpful.
All the best.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI do not think he liked me that much, because when he got what he couldn't wait for, he continued all the other relationships. He's just a narcissist I suppose. He has a lot of issues that I cannot fix and I'm trying to remember that when I feel down.It makes me very sad to know that this has happened to so many others. But I appreciate you sharing. It helps to know that other people who have been through it, have come out of it and grown strong.I'm trying very hard not to remember the illusion of the person I thought he was. When I get jealous of her (there's only one left because the other found out as well) I try and remember that he's probably doing the same thing to her. I feel bad for her, but I can't help her. I suppose she has to learn for herself. :/Thank you all again for helping me to stay strong.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2013): Please please read AND take in all of these replies, adn then drop him, block him,in every way you can, and don't look back!!I can tell you, I went through exactly the same thing,he also took 1-1/2 years of pursuing me,,,,,I thought i had really got to know him, I trusted him completely, he gave me false ideas for a long future together,,,and then I found he was also doign the same with someone else we both worked with, he had kept us both seperated for months, all the while flitting between us both. I was totally heartbroken,,and guess what,,,,,1 gave him a second chance after all his false promises and telling me i had it all wrong!!He is a 100% player, he is getting thrills chasing women, doesn't matter that it takes a long time to get you, while he's waited, he will have another one on the go. I had him hinting to me that he was a very patient guy!!My life was hsattered, my belief in humanking was ruined, I had said exactly the same as you,didn't want anythhing he flet he couldn't give,,,,,I only wanted honesty,,,his answers were the same as yours. He lied to me from the start,,big lies, small lies, swept me off my feet and then came back to use me for some more.Let him go,,,,don't look back, when the right man comes along your gut instinct will feel it,,,,you won't even have to 'ask' him for his honesty.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (28 September 2013):
What happened is that he liked you, but probably couldn't actually wait for that long to sleep with you. So while he was waiting he was with other people to pass the time so to speak. He probably didn't feel too bad about it because your relationship wasn't real in his eyes, because you hadn't had sex.
Don't take it personally, it's not so much about you as it is him. He couldn't wait (I couldn't wait that long either but I'd be honest about it), but he gave you the impression that he could.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (27 September 2013):
Recognising that you are/ were in a state of denial is good .. it shows that you are self-aware. You are no longer in denial. Yes you should block his number, and with No Contact, you will start to see the whole scenario with more clarity. Stay strong!
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, all of these answers make sense. Thank you all so much. I suppose I'm just in a bad state of denial. Sometimes it helps to get the perspectives of others to get out of the denial. I really fell for him but at the same time I know it was just an act on his part. He took advantage of my weakness and used my past against me. I'm trying to stop imagining the way I once pictured him and how he once made me feel. I'm trying to focus on the truth and the negative aspects of him. I'm also trying hard to forgive myself for being so stupid and falling for it. Not only falling for him but then continuing to focus so much of my energy and feelings on him. I know only I can put an end to that, but it truly does help to hear these words. Thank you all so much. I really can't express how much I appreciate your input, honestly, and straightforwardness. :)
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (27 September 2013):
Fight for what? For him to use you some more? To play you for a fool a while longer?
He can't even carry on a serious conversation with you.
My guess is he saw you as a notch in his bed post. You two weren't dating you just slept together. Where you might think that sex = serious relationship, he obviously didn't.
You two had BARELY started off the relationship when you found him out and what did he do? He ran off. Because you stopped worshiping him.
His actions will probably never make sense to you, and you have to accept that. He WILL NOT explain it to you. He knows what he did wasn't good, but he doesn't want to discuss it - he doesn't think he owes you an explanation. He did what he did because he can and he wanted to. Sounds like a 5 year old to me. He is a "thrill of the chase" kind of guy. Which is why he spend 1 1/2 buttering you up. And do you seriously think in that year and a half he wooed you in he didn't see other women? If so, I think you are lying to yourself.
Stop wasting your time on this guy. HE IS NOT who you want him to be. He is NOT your knight in shining armor, but a jerk in rusty tinfoil. Accept you made a mistake with him and move on. Cut the contact so he isn't a constant reminder of what you THOUGHT he was. (a good guy) because he isn't.
I'm trying to not be harsh here, but this is the second time I have seen you ask about him and what happened. None of us knows either and he won't tell you. All we can do is guess.
You KNOW you deserve better, so let him go. Because he isn't it.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 September 2013):
 Block him. Fighting for a cheater and a player is a waste of energy, even if you win, what do you win ? a cheater and a player, that you can't ever fully trust and that will always put his self interest and instant gratification before any shared ojective as a couple. What a prize.
Just block him , and stop wonder why , often there is o why , i.e. he did it because ..he is a dickhead, and because he thoight he could afford to do it without ever getting caught.
His past behaviour would also shed a different light on his persistent, gentlemanly behaviour. He could afford not to pressure you for sex- because he was getting his sxual needs met elsewhere : What you are missing is not the true gentleman that you thought, - just a lucky, sexually fulfilled liar. If you want someone like this back- then you'll have only yourself to blame the inevitable next time that he makes a fool of you.
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female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (27 September 2013):
 I think he is a player. He likes the thrill of the chase. It took him a year and a half to get the prize (you). He probably had other women on the go while he was with you. It will be easy to engage in something casual with other women who live out of state. The main goal of his communication right now is to keep you emotionally tied to him, so that you remain an option.
It's up to you what you want to do, but do you want to live like this where you wait until he throws you crumbs of affection? Deep down you know you deserve to be treated better than this. What would you advise a friend who is in a situation like yours?
The best thing you can do for yourself is to break all ties with him. Go through the grieving process. Take good care of yourself. Seek counselling if you have to. Hang out with friends. Get a makeover. Go to the gym. Take a trip. Distract yourself from thinking about him by engaging in fun activities with other people.
In time you will become indifferent to him.
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A
female
reader, loony89 +, writes (27 September 2013):
Honey, if you are waiting for a reason from this jackass, forget about it. He is a manipulative liar who wants to have his cake and eat it too. He cheated on you because he could, plain and simple. He had TWO women on the side, TWO!!! I know some people say as long as nothing physical happened it doesn't count, well that's BULL. He lied to you, lead you to believe that your relationship was something that it's not and that you guys were building a future when that's not at all the truth. He is stringing you along. That's why he says "hmmm" and you just take the bait. Stop doing that. Delete this fool from your life, delete this number, delete his fb, delete his skype, everything, work on yourself and just being happy. It will hurt and it is hard but be thankful you didn't waste more time with him and you my friend have dodged a bullet!
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A
male
reader, unknown2u +, writes (27 September 2013):
He cheated, he lied about it, and didn't even have the grace to apologise. After that kind of violation of trust you would consider taking him back? You'll never get satisfactory answers from him, so don't even try.
You need to demand better than that from anyone you would even think about being intimate with.
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