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I almost cheated with this married woman. Do I tell her husband what she does?

Tagged as: Cheating, Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (14 July 2017) 15 Answers - (Newest, 15 July 2017)
A male United States age 36-40, anonymous writes:

Mostly as a result of feeling sexually neglected by my wife, who is unwilling to understand there's a problem, I was recently tempted to cheat on her with another married woman.

Now, I need to be clear- there was no sex, but the temptation was there. There was some kissing and an emotional connection, it was all over within a week- I came to my senses and decided I need to try again with my wife and do things right before looking for another woman if she's not willing to make any effort.

Thing is, this other woman kind of lead me on and used me for her own entertainment- it's what initially made me stop and think about why I was doing what I was doing and realise I'm giving into empty temptation. She is a manipulative woman.

She is also a serial cheater and has been for some time. I randomly know someone she knows who has told me some of her history (she is not aware of this). My question is this- I have enough information and evidence to tell her husband about what she has been/is doing. The revenge feeling in me is strong and I really want to do it. But the reality feeling is telling me to just walk away. I am not too concerned that she might tell my wife about us, I think I owe it my wife to tell her myself.

What do you think?

View related questions: kissing, married woman, revenge

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A male reader, Billy Bathgate United States + , writes (15 July 2017):

This woman's marriage is none of your business. You need to forget about her and work on your own marriage. If your wife won't work on it with you leave.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2017):

Do not tell him! Even after all the good advice you've been given you still want to open that can of worms. Their situation is their situation and it is none of your business. If she really is cheating that much, chances are he already knows. Get over your bitterness and urge to butt in for revenge.

If you've already talked about your problems with your wife and nothing has come of it, seek marriage counseling. If all else fails then divorce so you can "look for another woman" without cheating on your wife.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (15 July 2017):

Honeypie agony auntSo YOU want to hurt this woman's husband because of something that didn't come to fruition between HER and YOU?

You want to have your "revenge" because of what? You are somehow above reproach yourself?

YOU failed YOUR marriage and YOUR wife. If YOUR home life is not working out you have other options than to emotionally CHEAT on your wife. Whether it was a week or a month or... a year, YOU still CHOSE to emotionally get entangled and cheat on your spouse.

Whether you tell this woman's husband or not, YOUR own actions still stand. This "emotional affair" didn't come to standstill out of noble intentions. They rarely do.

WHY not FOCUS all that AMAZING energy you have put into "gathering" evidence and plotting revenge and PUT that into your marriage? Have a sit down with your wife and for ONCE be honest. Tell her why you are unhappy with the current status quo, tell her what you did with this coworker (and please, OP don't put all the blame on your wife back in the bedroom because it takes 2 to have a shitty or no sex life). FIGURE out with your wife if you two HAVE a future and how to get it working again or... how to proceed.

This woman and her philandering ways are NONE of your business. For all we know, the husband KNOWS or suspect OR he is BLISSFULLY ignorant.

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A female reader, frogs84 Ireland +, writes (15 July 2017):

frogs84 agony auntHonestly I think you sound bored and vengeful. You got lead away from your wife to something fun and attractive but was let down by her and now you want to tell her husband? Why? If she is a cheat the. She will be caught out and tbh if she's as bad as you've made out then maybe her husband already knows. You sound bitter because you didn't get to have your bit of fun. Telling your wife is up to you, you cheated emotionally and clearly have more feelings for the woman than you care to admit. Seriously if your that unhappy in your relationship the. Break up or get counselling. Cut all contact with the other woman and move on.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2017):

OP again,

Thank you all for assuming that I am the sole reason for the relationship problems with my wife, which was not the point of my question the first place. I have already asked for advice on that on this website, so I ask for answers directly related to the question here. Anybody saying 'you need to sort it out with your wife' will be ignored, because I know that already!

Thanks!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2017):

Don't tell your wife and don't tell this other womans husband. Nothing but trouble will come out on both fronts if you tell. Let this be a lesson for you not to cheat again since you are not up to it. Listen to cannotbeserious's advice cos she is absolutely right.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2017):

You are putting the blame on the woman you cheated with on her....you had an emotional affair with her so you did cheat.Until you put the blame on that where it really belongs which is on you.Stay out of that woman's beeswax.How can you even begin to judge her when you are just as guilty?It is time for you to act like a grown-up and start working on your marriage instead of butting in someone else's.For all you know the woman and her husband have an open marriage.Some people really do.Stop blaming her for your being a cheater.Take responsibly for yourself.You have no right to deflect your guilt.Do you gaslight your wife this way?No wonder she does not want sex.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2017):

This sounds like a wuestio from a man who wants to blame others for his own behaviour . Blaming his wife for wanting another woman . Blaming the other woman for Tempting him

Where is your responsibility . If I were to ask your wife what type of husband you are what would her side be ? If I asked the other woman

Her side ?

Where does your turn come to own your actions . You say your going to look for another woman if your wife doesn't change ? Wow

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2017):

OP here- don't get me wrong, I am not claiming any amount of innocence in this. What I did was wrong, but we're all human. The problems between me and my wife are very strong. I prefer that you don't automatically assume it's the man's fault that there are problems in a marriage. I didn't give more info about the issues because it wasn't my question.

My wife shows me no love (I did say that). She works virtually all the time, literally only stopping at mealtimes and even then not always, and continously takes on more work. It's starting to effect her health. Even her family have told her about their concerns. I am happy for her to be career driven but after about 5 years of being last in everything she does, I can't go on. By last, I mean everything comes before time together and sex. Everything- so that sex hardly ever happens. And when it does happen, she is going through the motions and she cearly doesn't want to be there. We've talked about it many times, but she says it's me that has the problem, not her. So, ladies, I apologise for wanting a little intamacy from my wife every now and then. And I apologise that I may may have been neglecting my manly duties in trying to make her feel loved, but it's impossible when she is always working. And I mean always. Every little thing I've done to try and help has only resulted in her thinking 'ah- I with that extra time my husband has helped me find, I can take on more work!' How many times can I buy her flowers, bring her a cup of tea, tell her I love her when she doesn't do anything like that for me? It's like she wants me as a lapdog.

As for the revenge thing, you're both right. I guess I knew that would be the answer, but I can't deny the urge to tell him. I do know that the cheating lady is doing these things, that's not just hearsay, butI don't know what the situation is with the husband. But, wouldn't want to know if your man was sleeping around regularly? Imagine if you find out, and realise that many people knew, but nobody told you? That would be even more devastating.

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (15 July 2017):

YouWish agony auntI think this issue isn't between you and this cheater woman. It's between you and your wife, and you've already cheated on her. Before you go thinking you "came to your senses", I'll tell you that what you did would already be unforgivable in many wives' minds, myself included.

Another woman's lips were on yours. What would your reaction be if you saw your wife kissing a man the way this woman kissed you?? If your wife's hands were all over some other guy the way your hands were on this other woman??

Not to mention AN EMOTIONAL connection after just one week? Sorry, but you still have one. You're STILL cheating, even if you're not with her.

How can you end things with this other woman, yet want some sort of "revenge" on her?? Revenge for what? YOU failing your wife?? Don't pass the blame onto her. Your weakness, your failings, your avoidance of making your marriage work, and your alienation of affection FROM your wife is what got you to this position. Yes, your wife is 50% of the state of the marriage, but you are 100% responsible for your actions OUTSIDE of it.

This is about YOUR EGO. You're pissed because this woman manipulated you. You're still being as selfish as what got you into her arms in the first place.

You SHOULD come clean with your wife. If you would want her to do the same for you, then you should with her, and then go into counseling and really work on it instead of obsessing over another woman.

Your wife might leave you anyways. You really hurt your marriage by your actions, and your wife will not be interested in your excuses or explanations of "serial cheating" or "manipulation", and she will want to kill you if you say the words "I almost cheated" with a straight face, because there's no ALMOST about it to a woman. An emotional affair IS an affair, and you got physical with yours. So what if the penis didn't find the vagina?? You swapped bodily fluids all the same!

I say WALK the hell away before your selfish ego ruins your life. Fix things with your wife, and stop THINKING about this other woman with any sort of emotions.

Revenge my a$$. You're sounding like a man scorned.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (15 July 2017):

I think you have enough problems on your plate with your own marriage to not get involved in anyone else's.

What do you hope to gain from telling her husband? It is possible he knows already what his wife gets up to, in which case he will tell you to mind your own business. If he doesn't know, then why would you hurt an innocent person just so you can get over your need for revenge? After all, I assume this woman didn't need to handcuff you and force you to kiss her (or whatever else you did together). Manipulative or not, it was YOUR choice to go along with it.

Be angry with YOURSELF by all means and learn a lesson from your mistake, but don't try to transfer your anger onto someone who was not involved. HE didn't force you to kiss his wife. Leave him out of this.

And you have no "proof". You have hearsay. You were not there and did not see what you are hearing about. You only have other people's versions of what they think happened. Remember everyone has their own agenda. It is possible the person telling you this woman's alleged "history" could be jealous of her or have some other axe to grind. You were gullible once; don't be gullible again by believing everything you hear - just because you want it to be true.

If your wife does not want sex with you, I wouldn't mind laying money on the problem running far deeper in your relationship than sex. Women need to feel loved to want sex. If something is wrong in the relationship, the first thing that will suffer will be sex drive. What do you do to make your wife feel loved? Are you a naturally vengeful man? Do you make your wife "pay" for times she does things you don't like (like you are trying to do with this woman)? If she doesn't like you as a person, sex will be the last thing on her mind. You need to fix your relationship, then the sex will fix itself. Concentrate on that, not on other people's relationships.

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A female reader, Miss.Cupid United States + , writes (15 July 2017):

Miss.Cupid agony auntBy kissing another women you do realize that is still in fact considered cheating..is it maybe once you found out she was a serial cheater that you felt this anger because you thought you were the only one? only to realize that there are multiple men involved with her?

I think you should focus less on this woman and more towards your wife. As far as being sexually neglected, do you think maybe your marriage is in jeopardy because of it? have you thought of ways that you can maybe spice up the sex life? I do believe key to a successful marriage is a satisfied sex life. if you aren't satisfied have you thought about leaving? or was this other woman just something you thought you wanted only to realize you love your wife?

I hope you come to terms and also realize your wife is still a human and deserves honestly as well as real love.

Good luck.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2017):

You should not tell her husband about this episode or what you think you know. You really don't have any proof, just the word of a third party and you can't know if this other person is telling the truth or exaggerating. Revenge is not a good reason to tattle and could possibly backfire on you, causing a myriad of problems for both your families. Go with your "reality" feeling and don't do this.

Consider yourself lucky to not have become entangled with this other woman. You made the right decision to try again with your wife. Talk it our with her. Let her know how you're feeling and get her to share her feelings. Best of luck!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2017):

Hangon , you say ' before looking for another woman if she is not willing to make any effort '

????? So are you saying that of your wife doesn't make any effort you will simply go find another woman ? Surely the right thing to do ,if she doesn't make any effort AND IF YOU ARE making the effort to see her side , rather than worry about finding another woman , is to divorce .

You seem to be putting a lot of blame on this other woman and being overly concerned with what she is doing when really , it is none of your business .

What are you actually angry about ? It sounds to me like you are angry that you were tempted but there will ALWAYs be temptation , whether it comes in the form of a married woman who cheats , a prostitute offering her services , a single woman throwing herself at you because she broke up with her boyfriend and wants an ego boost , whatever !

This other woman's marriage really has nothing to do with you and frankly it sounds like you have enough to deal with in your own relationship .

YOU are the one who felt tempted and YOU are the one contemplating some universe in which you could start 'looking for another woman '

This in fact is the issue that should be worrying you and that you need to talk to your wife about

I dare say if you tell her that your planning to find another woman , the decision will be made for you then and there , one way or another

Do yourself , your wife and your marriage and favour and communicate .

Stop looking for distractions from the real issue and other people to blame .

No one made you do or feel anything . Not your wife and not this other woman !!!!!

Take responsibility for yourself .

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2017):

Why revenge what is the point your clearly bitter that it never went any further or why would you care??? But what ever you decide tell your wife first ... so hopefully she can leave you.... don't wreak another marriage just cause them woman didn't want you in the end ... if you don't love your wife let her go to be happy ... surely you have some bit of respect left

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