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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My best friend whom I love to bits has a four year old son that is a NIGHTMARE... I am pretty sure he is ADHD.. and I have commented about this before and she rejected that so fast! But he is such a nightmare to be around. When they come to my house... he runs aroung the place...jumps up and down on the couch... scrathes my table with his toy cars, breaks my hair stuff... I mean he is EVERYWHERE! On top of that he cries and needs to be centre of attention the whole time. Whenever we are trying to talk ...he steers the attention towards himself. I really think she has spoilt him and I can see its heading for disaster coz he knows how to play with her! The problem is that his behaviour is straining our friendship...she knows I have probs with her son.. I don't say anything coz she is so defensive but I am easy to read when i disapprove of something... But when she is with her boy... i just can't be there ... i feel bad but i hope someone can give advice if they have any pointers... please... i really like her as a friend and have known her since her son was 6 months old!! Thanks...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2013): I agree you should visit her at their home not yours.I would also tell her you keep spoiling him like that nobody even gonna want you around.That's what's wrong with. Kidd today. they need their ass. whooped. .People. try to come up with all. these. options. instead of doin what needs to be done GOD plainly says spare the rod spoil the child.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (14 February 2013):
 YOU have a decision to make: IF this child makes your time with your friend untenable..... THEN you must decide to either: A. Only spend time with this friend when it can be times when her son can be elsewhere, or, B. Terminate the friendship, if she insists that you must endure her son's shenanigans......
P.S. Good luck to HER for having to put up with such a child... and,
Good luck to you....
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 February 2013):
 I’m so very sorry that the child is difficult. Do not be so sure he has ADHD. It’s very over-diagnosed. Usually the kids that get picked up very young have other issues that make it worse and that’s why folks think it’s so easy to spot. While my older son (who is also on the Autistic spectrum has ADHD (combined) and we picked his issues up VERY young (age 18 months I had him in special schools already.. now at 28 he lives in a group home) his younger brother is ALSO very ADHD-primarily inattentive and while I noticed it and knew he had it… because he was not hyperactive and was in the gifted and talented program no one would believe me. He was around 10 or so when he finally was properly diagnosed. It’s a huge sore point for me as an ADHD person to see layman think they know what ADHD is about. ADHD is not just sitting still and paying attention… there are major social skill issues and other issues.
I do think that some of the issues this child has may stem from that. Either way it’s not really anyone’s place to suggest what’s wrong with him besides his doctor and other professionals in the field… BUT the issue is that he’s running roughshod in
Rewarding him with food is not a great idea but you can TRAIN a child to accept rules in one place and not another. But the parent has to be on board with that as well and it sounds to me like the mom is too worn out from the day to day with this kid (I so get that) to sweat more than the small stuff…. (for me I had 3 rules, no juggling knives, no playing in traffic and no lighting matches without supervision outside)
The problem is the little guy is only 4 and while 4 year olds can and do abide by rules, they have to be very simple and there have to be rewards for him.
This is one of the reasons my friendships with my non-parent friends disappeared… they could not deal with my son’s “needy” behavior and their perceived belief that I was not a good parent. We drifted apart. Now my kids are grown and at least one of my friends and I have reconnected a bit.
IF she has a spouse maybe you can get dad to watch the 4 year old while you and mom go out for dinner once or twice a month….
If you can tolerate visiting her at her home with him there that’s an option too.
I have raised kids and I get it but my current house is NOT toddler or baby or kid proof and I don’t know that I will want a kid in my house that can’t abide by my house rules.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (14 February 2013):
 I'm with Cerberus.. (except for the Ice cream & sugary foods, that would be a no-no)
Just arrange times to see her without her son being there.
And honestly OP you can not DIAGNOSE a child with ADHD. He is a 4 year old who like ANY normal 4 year old, wants attention and who doesn't SEEM to have been taught HOW to behave when visiting by his mom/dad.
And don't invite her over WITH her son, why not spend time at their house? If he is running around and noisy there well, then that is on the Mom not you.
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female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (14 February 2013):
Dear OP,You can't diagnose a four year old with ADHD just by looking at his playing behaviour when he's with his mom. So I understand why she rejected that. ADHD kids can't help their behaviour, they couldn't be more quiet if they were in school or around other kids etc. They have long lasting problems. This is not sure yet. Maybe the boy is just like that around his mom, because she doesn't mind so much. Finally, diagnosing someone else's child is out of place unless you professionally work with children or hold a degree in clinical psychology or pediatry. This diagnosis requires a lot of tests and should not be made easily.Maybe the little boy is "spoilt", in a sense that his mother doesn't show him how to occupy himself and leave her alone for some time. But a four year old is not strategically "playing" his mother. Every child wants to be the center of attention and tries to get as much attention as possible unless they are tought it's not going to work. Anyway, this can easily ruin your friendship. Your criticism or disapproval will be taken as a broad offence against her. It's like you are saying "you're a bad mother, you spoil your son, you don't know how to handle him" and that's very insulting. Besides, it's probably not true. I am sure she's giving her best, even if she's not perfect and her education may have some "flaws". My advice is to either meet her alone, without the boy, or try harder to like the boy and maybe playing a bit with him when he's around. To meet a friend with a child is never the same as meeting her alone, the child always requires attention. Try to be a good friend and maybe she eventually will trust you enough to tell you if she has any troubles with the boy or if she is worried about him. Also, try to see and compliment her about all the things she might be doing right. If you're taking the stance of a critical judge, she won't see you as a friend anymore, because friends give you the feeling that they are on your side.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (14 February 2013):
 Sorry but the very last thing you should do with a hyperactive kid is to give him ice cream or any other kind of sugary food. But I do agree that you should try to see your friend when the kid isn't going to be around or at least try to see her at her own house so if he wrecks something it won't belong to you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2013): Just arrange times to see her without her son being there. You will never be able to change her parenting, so the son is always going to be a hyperactive undisciplined fecker and you don't want him around ruining your shit.
OP you know what she's like when it comes to him she's probably very tired and worn out from his behaviour too but she's a mom and most of them are overly protective of their little brats.
I have a friend like that and I just learned how to distract her daughter. I have loads of dogs so that's made easy, I have 4 terriers so there is literally no child in the world with more energy than them and they usually keep her entertained for most of the time that she's here. We have had a couple of moments though and I have absolutely no problem disciplining her child while she's in my house. It's my house, my rules if she's not going to discipline her daughter I will.
OP a few things I've learned about cheeky kids is from breeding terriers, without doubt the most energetic and mischievous type of dog. Discipline doesn't have to involve negative consequences for things, distraction and reward are often the best course of action.
It's not your job to raise her son of course but when he's in your place you can distract him, put on cartoons and give him some ice cream, or tell him if he sits there and watches some cartoons for a while you'll give him some cookies or chocolate. OP you can train this kid to behave in your house, you can put it in his mind that in your house if he does nice things and what you say he can that good things will happen.
Instead of pawning him off on your friend learn to deal with him yourself. And organize time with your friend that doesn't include him.
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male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (14 February 2013):
 Difficult one. You need to draw the line at things like jumping up and down on your couch or scratching your table. Your friend needs to realise that these sorts of things are not ok.Other than that, there probably ain't much you can do. Some parents like to think their little Jonny's perfect and until the penny drops that they're not, there's not much you can do.
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