A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey Everyone, I broke down few weeks ago because I found out that my bestfriend of 10 years has been contacting with my ex. I didn't know how she got his number (maybe facebook) but she's been contacting and telling information about me behind my back. As for my ex, I don't wanna go back with him (we had a toxic relationship). So it's not about men for me, it's more about dishonesty and trust that she broke after 10 years. We had a clear convo before, that if she wanted any of my ex, go ahead. But I cannot tolerate the lies. I still meet her but I've been keeping distance. It hurts me a lot because we've been through everything together. She didn't admit it when I confronted her. Has anybody been through anything like this before? Do I make sense because I'm hurt about it or am I just too sensitive? I don't know her motivation, but the afct that she's been keeping it behind my back and telling info about me. What should I do? I can't seem to get it off my mind. Thank you.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (13 May 2014):
 Ignore the "label" they are trying to pin on you. Best way to do that? No contact, no nothing.
Your friend did the wrong thing and most likely for the wrong reasons. It sucks losing a good friend, been there done that, but it's all a tough learning experience to be able to say, THIS person doesn't have my best interest at heart, isn't being a good friend, so I will "cut" her off.
Keep living your life, do things that makes you happy, be around positive people and let them (the ex and the ex-friend) go jump in a lake.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHow toxic was the relationship? --- We were crazy. Jealousy, shouting and yelling. My psyche was broken. I lost my job. I actually have to dealt with the effect for 2 years and saw a therapist.what information is she giving him? --- Anything about me, what am I doing? Who am I seeing? Dating, bla bla bla.... I actually don’t get why he wants to know so much about me.what can and may he do with that information and so on? Right aftr I found out about it and confronted my bestfriend, my ex texted me and asking me to go with him outta town (NOTE: we haven’t talked for months.) I told him simply, “I don’t wanna see you anymore.” Then he started the drama how I turn this into a drama. How hard is it to understand, “I don’t wanna see you anymore.”? How is it making me to be the one starting the drama?My point is: Bestfriend of 10 years don’t do things like that over a GUY you just met. They’re not supposed to share any kind of information about me to my ex. It’s a breach of trust and it’s none of my ex’s business...At least... she could’ve told me, “Hey, your ex is texting and and asking about bla bla bla...”. She should’ve supported me and back me up, not the otherwise. Regardless of who texted who first. Worst is, my exes friends know just how crazy I am now. I got a “crazy woman” label on my forehead if I see any of them somewhere now. Thanks to my bestfriend.I cut off any kind of communication with those two.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@female anon:Her motivation is : she wants your boyfriend and/or simply dislikes you or is jealous of you. --- That’s what I thought, envy maybe.I have a believe to return bad with good. Kill them with kindness. Though it’s making me sick but I’ve distanced myself from her totally.Motivation does not really matter, it's the fact that she has no real loyalty to you and is saying/ doing what? behind your back. --- exactly how I see it. Honesty and loyalty are important to me. Trust is paramount in any kind of relationship. I guess that’s how friends become strangers.I’m focusing on myself more recently. Though it still hurts me a lot. I really don’t understand how she could break our ten-years bond for things like this.She will always be untrustworthy and has proven this, expect the same again if she gets the opportunity. Is this a friend you wish to sit and share your life with? -- thank you for this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Honeypie: she ought to NOT discuss you up as a subject with him. -- my point exactly.I met my ex first. I asked her, “Is there something you’re not telling me?”. I asked for her honesty if she really respects our friendship for 10 years. I didn’t accuse her, I was simply asking for her honesty. The she replied with, “Why? What’s wrong? Why are you asking me this question? Why are you accusing me?” I asked one simple question then she became defensive. And refused it. I told her, “Okay I take your word for it.” Then she’s going mad again after that and for the next day. I told her I was asking for an open and honest discussion, then why are you becoming so mad and defensive. (It should have been ME who should explode, God knows how much bullsh*t I heard that time. And I seriously felt sick.). I cut them short and never wanted to discuss it again.It’s like someone put the knife on your back and why I am bleeding. That what makes me both mad and devastated. I simply told her last time, “If you don’t respect our friendship for 10 years, then I would respect you either. If honesty and loyalty are not in this friendship, then don’t expect me to be nice about it. This friendship’s going downhill from now on.”We’ve had open communication to each other. I brought the convo up about exes before I found out that they knew each other. I didn’t call her. I didn’t text her two weeks after that. But she contacted me and asking why I was ignoring her. On the third week, I decided to leave the city for 5 days then I came back and met her because I promised to get something for her. I was literally going cold on her and decided not stay too long as I don’t really wanna discuss anything with her anymore.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (11 May 2014):
You say she didn't admit it, so are you sure it's her? Did she defend herself (as in, I didn't do that!) or did she deflect the question/accusation?
You also mention that you told her if she wanted your ex she could have at him - was she interested? Maybe she is trying to score some CHEAP point with him by telling him crap about you.
IF you are CERTAIN that she is doing this I would simply put her on ice for a week or two. NO calling, no texting. If she DOESN'T reach out and ask you what's up, then she might be over the friendship but not have the boobs to end it. IF she DOES reach out and ask you why you are avoiding her, TELL her. Tell her that HER going behind your back and talking about you to YOUR ex is not welcome or appropriate. If she KNEW him before you did, she can still remain friend with him but she ought to NOT discuss you up as a subject with him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2014): Her motivation is : she wants your boyfriend and/or simply dislikes you or is jealous of you. She is not a real friend and I don't understand how you can still sit with her, while you know she is betraying you? I had the same once, but it was my sister. Motivation does not really matter, it's the fact that she has no real loyalty to you and is saying/ doing what? behind your back.
I would close all the old doors to the past (including her behind it) and look forward to a new start.
She will always be untrustworthy and has proven this, expect the same again if she gets the opportunity. Is this a friend you wish to sit and share your life with?
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2014): There are some people who engage in this behavior without thinking of the consequences. To them it's a harmless bit of gossip. Unless you betray them and then they scream bloody murder. I consider people like this a sociopath and best avoided forever more. It's hard to put this kind of betrayal behind you but the quicker you do the better.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2014): I think it depends on a lot of things. How toxic was the relationship, what information i she giving him, what can and may he do with that information and so on. If you don't want contact with him at all and you'll ignore him if you see him, then your close friends should know not to say anything to him about you at all that wouldn't be public information. If he's the type to tell your conservative grandparents that you're shacking up with a new guy, he doesn't need to know that. If he's a crazy stalker ex, he doesn't need to know where you work. I'm assuming that he was a control freak who criticized you and that whatever she's saying about how isn't a simple, "I saw Terri at pizza hut the other day, she was having dinner with her mom. Terri is doing really well, she's dog sitting now." I'm guessing she's telling him things that he used as ammo or could use as ammo or even like an "I told you so". Since she denied it, she's either a) embarrassed you found out about it and knows she's wrong, or she really doesn't think she did anything wrong. I had a friend get mad a time for that once in high school. I went to the mall with another friend and my mom asked how it went. I mentioned in passing that I had seen my other friend. She said that in passing to the girl's mother. As it turned out she was grounded and was not supposed to be there in the first place. She dropped me as a friend because apparently she lost her driving privileges for the rest of the year and was forced to drop out of her after school activities. I thought I was making a passing comment! I had not meant to get her in trouble. She had not told me she was grounded and she had gotten grounded for having a cell phone. Recently, my sister's baby is VERY sick. I posted the situation on face book and asked for prayers. Most people we share as friends are common friends and family members anyway so I thought I was helping. My pastor asked about the baby. I meant well, by my sister thought I was sharing private information she now had to explain to former classmates she hadn't seen in ten years. It simply hadn't occurred to me that she wouldn't have told them that - if she didn't want them to know what was going on her her life why have a face book? Why friend them? Growing up, our mother would tell people we just met everything and anything about our childhood. I had gotten in trouble with the law and did not mention that to my boss because it was irrelevant. My mother told him anyway and I had to get questioned at work about it. I understand the feeling of being violated COMPLETELY but at the end of the day: you don't do or say anything you wouldn't do in front of the town gossip anyway. She has the right to be upset with me, because she didn't want my friend's knowing, because she doesn't tell her friends about my past troubles. She is ashamed of my past behavior and so is my family. They will only tell pastors and bosses and people I am not disclosing it to because they're right to! If someone babysat my child or cleaned my house and I didn't know about a criminal past, I would be FURIOUS. If I found out that a boyfriend had some things in his past he didn't tell me because he wasn't being honest, I would be furious too. I've had that happen and was upset because had I known that, I would have known not to talk to him. in the first place. Again, if the guy is a crazy stalker and he could use some information against you, I can see why your friend is in the wrong. But just think about what you're doing and whether or not he would have a point if he told the "wrong" person
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