A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi,So me and my wife met in 2018 and moved in with each other. We got married in 2020 and have a daughter born in 2021.My wife and I were madly in love and would do a lot together and spend 90% of the day together. Same job, same routine, same hobbies etc…We were more than soul mates.However in 2021, my wife’s family became intrusive into the relationship, so much that the mother in law would stay in my house on a weekly basis. This caused arguments with my wife and I and we would argue on a weekly basis. On one argument my wife called the police thinking they would tell me off. But actually they arrested me and released me with no charge. My wife said she didn’t mean for me to get arrested. I seperated from my wife for 5months and we reconciled.We reconciled again and everything was initially going well, but the trauma of the past and her intrusive family led to more tension. In 2023, she would get physical and I called the police and she was arrested this time and I dropped the charges. I regret what I did.Currently we have been seperated for 3months. And have a no contact court order for 3 months ending next week. (Basically we are free to contact each other after Wednesday)Do you think she misses me or wants to move on?I really want to reconcilePositive Factors to consider:- She has not blocked or deleted me from any social media, calls or messages.- She has still got photos of me on her Instagram- she constantly views my social updates- social worker reckons she will come back to me in the summer (June) time to calm down. - she knows we are good together and the arguments are minor. Plus we have a child together. - she always said that she would never press the divorce button, and it would be me and in the past we had similar and she came back to meNegative factors to consider:- she got arrested and this is a big no no for her- her family are going to guilt trip her not to reconcile and they are very controlling- during court, she showed no signs to reconcile - she pursued a counter complaint and stated a lot of bad things about me- she said before the arrest, that she just wants to leave and she doesn’t trust me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2023): In order for police to intervene in a domestic situation, there has to be the threat that someone is likely to be harmed. I don't know about the police in the UK, but in the US, they don't usually arrest unless the conflict between people is highly escalated; or they have responded to repeated calls, one or the other wouldn't calm-dawn no matter how much they have attempted to deescalate the situation.
You and your wife have several issues that lead to very serious disagreements that culminate into highly volatile exchanges that require the police to separate you. You have court-orders to separate you. It pretty much seems like one, or both, of you may need to get anger-management counseling. I wouldn't be surprised if it wasn't mentioned at your court hearings. I'm pretty sure you've left-out many crucial details, but seem to want to lay most of the blame on your mother-in-law. I can't believe it's that simple. Not with police involvement. There is violence between you.
I wouldn't rule-out the over-consumption of alcohol, or some other substance.
My impression is that it's going to be a pattern. You will get along, until there is a serious clash between you; and things will get seriously out of hand. Until charges will eventually be filed against one, or both, of you. You have a very unhealthy relationship; and you're trying to make it work without either of you seeking professional-counseling to deal with your communication and anger issues. There is also an element of intrusion into your union. An instigating and meddling in-law.
If your spouse turns to her mother, or a family-members for advice and support; but their contribution is toxic and undermining your marriage; you have too many forces fighting against you.
There is much you both have to do to save your marriage beyond just ignoring your recurring issues. You need to calmly discuss, negotiate, and compromise on those things you disagree upon. You have to learn how to effectively communicate and calmly settle your differences.
You both need to get her mother out of your business, or seriously consider a divorce; because if you both don't work it out together, it's just a pattern of fighting, separating, and getting back together. Just to do it all again.
I fear somebody is going to get seriously injured, and someone is going to wind-up serving time in jail. If you continuously clash, you are incompatible; and even worse than that, you don't know how to resolve your problems together. You simply separate until you've cooled-off, miss each-other, and you're back together again; until the next big fight. Eventually, your neighbors are going to consider you a neighborhood nuisance. Always having the police at your door, and making your home a constant topic of gossip. You can't be considered good neighbors when everyone knows your business and it's public knowledge you have terrible fights.
A
female
reader, mystiquek  + ♥, writes (26 March 2023):
 Life is too short to be with someone that doesn't trust you and you are always fighting. I would say to accept that the relationship isnt going to work out cut your losses and be the best parents that you can be. The child should come first they are innocent. If your wife is becoming physically abusive who knows where that can lead. Do you really want your child witnessing that? My parents stayed married for 53 years but they had a horrible marriage. Many of my childhood memories are of my parents fighting. It was never physical but there was alot of yelling and my mother getting angry and walking out the door with a suitcase and staying away for 2-3 days at a time and then demanding that my sister and I chose which parent we wanted to live with. It was really messed up. When we got older, my sister and I used to beg my parents to divorce. We did not have a "normal" childhood. To this day I really don't know exactly what my parents were fighting about but I sure remember the tension and drama in the household. Do yourself a favor and get out. Focus on your child.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (25 March 2023):
 I'm intrigued. This is the second time in recent times that you have split up, violence and police have been involved, and the only thing you are bothered about is whether she will have you back?
Let me ask you this: would you watch a film and expect it to end differently to when you watched it before? Would you read a book again and expect it to end differently to when you read it before? Of course not, because that would be silly. Just as thoughtless is to keep revisiting the same relationship, where nothing has changed, and expecting a different outcome.
You need to go to counselling together. She needs to get help to control her temper, so she finds healthier ways of dealing with her anger than in physical combat. You too need to work on whatever SHE has an issue with, because I would love to hear her side of this story. I am sure she is not the only one to blame for what has been happening. After all, it takes at least two to create an argument.
Instead of mooning about, wondering whether she will take you back, look honestly at what went wrong and try to find a way to fix it BEFORE you get back together, otherwise the cycle will just keep repeating itself. It may be that, with therapy, you decide you are actually better apart, and then you need to work out how to part kindly and cleanly, but stay civil to each other for the sake of your daughter.
Whatever happens, stay a good dad to your daughter. She needs both her parents to show her love, regardless of what is going on between them. She should be your main concern.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (25 March 2023):
 You two are like oil and water - may be due to her family's influence maybe because you aren't as good of a fit as you thought.
Do you think all this drama - police, etc, is healthy for your kid to witness?
"- she knows we are good together and the arguments are minor. Plus we have a child together."
Having a child doesn't mean you will work out.
"she would get physical and I called the police and she was arrested this time and I dropped the charges. "
SHE got physical, mate! and she is MAD that she got arrested?
You are not seeing reality.
This is not going to work out and the two of you need to find the BEST way to co-parent.
Why do I say that?
"- she said before the arrest, that she just wants to leave and she doesn’t trust me."
Never stay with someone you can't trust.
Your relationship isn't as rosy and perfect as you like to make it out. It sounds toxic and I think you both need some kind of counseling so you can both move forward but NOT together.
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