A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm 19 and currently at university, and I'm quite focused on stuff like my career, my studies, developing a good personality and making long-lasting friendships as that seems to be stuff that will last me for life and actually matter. Because I'm young, I love partying and all that stuff too, but what I don't get is the constant pressure to hook up with someone and find a relationship. Lots of relationships started in uni don't last, and guys my age never seem to know what they want to do with my life or usually don't respect women as much as I'd like. I've had plenty of male interest in me as I take care of my appearance, but I've never even been on a date as I'd (personally) rather just become a fully functioning adult, then find a partner for life and get married. Relationships at university just seem like an invite for heartbreak.Am I being silly for holding out for the fairytale? My parents went through a very messy divorce so I value stability and commitment very highly, and I don't see the point of playing around with guys I'm not 100% certain about at university as it takes time away from my other interests and it's not going to help me eventually find a loving partner and raise a happy family. I just don't see the point of being with someone who doesn't really, truly care about you as opposed to just want a trophy girlfriend on his arm at uni because you're on the cheerleading team or popular or whatever. Even if I do find a "nice guy" at uni, he probably won't be the best match possible or necessarily complement who I grow up to be.Thoughts? :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for the replies! Apologies for such a late post - I have been busy lately with exams. :)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2013): Relationships are important because they teach you something as you are growing up from a teenager to young adult to becoming an adult. Relationships come in different ways and are not just about sex. Some do not begin this journey until later in life, and that's probably better anyway because they have a better understanding and make can make better choices.You have your priorities in your order and you are focused on your education to better your life down the road. That is to be applauded. There is nothing wrong with having a guy show interest in you and want to spend time with you. It does not mean you have to have a hook up or get that emotionally invested or involved with any man at this time. But you can still go out and have fun with someone of the opposite sex. You play by your own rules, and if those guys can't handle it, they are not the right one for you. Just don't be surprised if one day out of the blue, cupid's arrow hits you square in the face...that one guy is just going to stand out, he's going to come after you full force, no matter how much you resist. Be careful not to shut yourself down completely from meeting guys. If you live that way long enough, when the time comes and you want a relationship in your life, you won't know what to do or won't be approachable because you are so closed off. Just have some fun, continue to manage your time and don't think so much about it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2013): Relationships at university just seem like an invite for heartbreak.
I thought the very same thing when I was your age and begun dating seriously much later than all of my friends, I dated in high school but it was nothing serious , besides I was so busy working and studying that on weekends all I wanted was sleep and had to study some more to catch up so having a relationship wasn't one of my priorities
oh well my parents begun dating when my mum was 15, my dad 21, they had a LDR for some time broke up had all that drama but eventually they got married when my mum was 20, it turned out fine and 30 years later they're still together, IMHO it very much depends on your mindset, if at 19 you're serious about meeting someone and getting to know him/she for a relationship that is if you're mature enough to commit yourself to someone else, if you're not then I think it's pointless and you're just having fun which is fine as well, I for one know I wouldn't want to be attached to anyone so young, my friends who have been dating the same guy for 4, 5 years and got married in their early 20s wonder if they should've dated other people, sometimes they grow apart...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2013): You seem to be' a very calculative person, whichis fine, as long as you happy with calculating everything that suppose to happen in your life.
You are grown up enough to avoid being pressured into relationship.
By the way, hooking up means ussualy just sexual encounter, it's hardly can be called relationship:).
Your age doesn't really matter . There Re millions of different love stories out there that people will tell you, but you do what's right for you. Your aim is honorAble, you don't want to fool around, but find someone for the rest of your life. That's fine, but keep in mind a little flexibility also. If you ask someone older than you by 10 years, they all will tell you that to find a good man or a woman is quite difficult mission. Don't throw away someone good yu meet only because it was not your plan in a mean time.
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reader, maisy1 +, writes (21 May 2013):
realistically couples who date at 19 dont usualy stay together for long as they have less in common as they mature so i agree that looking for a life partner at such a young age is likely to end in disapointment (although some people find the life partner young).
however its important to gain relationship experience before we settle down.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2013): You are heading the right direction. Remember hookups are just about sex and no relationships. Your story indicates you have your head screwed on right. Relationships are dating and romance with building toward a future of some kind together down the road. A recent study produced by a leading university in this country and it made the headlines briefly or should I say quite quickly. It basically said that women and men that started a relationship in university and continued toward marriage had the best success ratio in marriage and ninety plus percent were still married after ten years. I don't know if that ten year mark is the litmus test as they say. I agree 100 percent in what you say. It appears you don't want a relationship right now and don't want to be taken for a ride. I understand completely. Using my example I have been with my boyfriend for three years but we both met half way through grad school. So I believe you have a few years to go before you get there. And I understand the pressure your under and I was in the same boat in undergrad school. Like you I had a strong will power and was able to avoid most of the temptations or hookups as they say. It appears you and I are very similar. If you can keep your sexual side under control you should do quite well as you progress through the undergrad programme. You decide and be very careful when it comes to hookups if you go that way. Lots of predators and con artists out there. Stds have exploded to the point that they are almost as bad if not worse than aids. Google search that topic and read it over careful. Then decide if hookup is what you really need and want. But I firmly believe your not really going to let anybody jump you no matter what. To finally answer your question. I think maybe but you can never say never because you just don't know if the man you meet will or will not become your soulmate. Relationships are not easy. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2013): It's not that most guys your are are immature jerks, its just that most of the guys hitting on a lot of girls are immature jerks.
Look around a little harder. There are plenty of other mature guys your age. Some guys are more mature at 16yo than the average 20yo player.
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male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (21 May 2013):
When the younger men of my family come looking for my advice, I always tell them - "Girlfriends come and go and are a dime a dozen. Your education, a good job, and money, that's hard. Allocate your time accordingly."
Sure, once you get married, that changes a bit, but your education, job, etc is something to get sorted out BEFORE a long term marriage or marriage-esque commitment.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 May 2013):
 Old lady here…
First of all you will find it harder to “find a partner for life” if you don’t date. DATING is about finding someone not “hooking up” or sex.
My mother met my father at age 16. She married him at age 19; she died 48 years later in his arms. I met my first husband at 19 and we married and had two lovely sons and a lovely amicable divorce. I am NOT sorry I married him at 21 nor am I sorry we divorced. Interestingly enough, my sons find my current husband to be VERY MUCH like their father in some ways.
You are not being silly for holding out for what you want. BUT you may be unrealistic that it will be the perfect fairytale or that you will meet him when YOU are ready. Life is funny that way. There is an old saying “If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans”
If you don’t open yourself up to meeting folks (NOT saying hooking up or sex) but maybe some casual dates…. Then you may be cutting off your nose to spite your face so to speak.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2013): No relationship is pointless. Especially the ones you have as a teenager, as they teach you lessons.
In saying that, most young relationships do not last, and are there purely for fun and to learn/grow from.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (21 May 2013):
 My thoughts:
None of these thoughts of your will matter the slightest to you once you fall in love. You will throw away all logic and other interests and run around after mr. Fantastic as if he was the sun and the air and the entire world. Because that's how crazy people get when they're in love. And you wont care at all if you're only 19, and you wont care the slightest if this man might not be the one you will spend the rest of your life with. You'll be super duper happy as long as you get to be near him, and if you make it as far as becoming his girlfriend you'll be on clouds and ready to throw away everything for him.
Because that's how crazy people become when in love. And there isn't a thing you can do about it, apart from never looking at another man until you are "ready" to commit. Because when you fall in love, you'll forget all of these thoughts of yours, they'll go right out the window.
At 19, you could perfectly well meet the man you will spend the rest of your life with, but it is more likely that you wont. But the chances don't increase as you grow older, being in a relationship for life isn't about finding the "perfect" person for you. It's about how much work you put into it, and whether or not you (and him) are actually interested in making it last. And that could happen at any point in life, but also, at any point in life you are more likely to meet people you wont be happy with. The world is full of people, after all, and as flexible as we are, we're not capable of being in a relationship with just about anyone we meet. That said, I don't believe chances are either lower or higher at any point in life, as long as you know what you want.
Then again, biologically speaking, our brains aren't fully developed until around 25 years of age. Before that, we're not good at thinking of the consequences. Which sort of makes it difficult to think ahead, and know what we want and need, and know what we're capable of and not capable of. But I still know people who married as teenagers and are still together.
Conclusion: nobody knows!
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (21 May 2013):
 This is a very interesting question, and you are going to get a lot of varied responses. Taking my group of friends for example, there are 7 girls including me. 2 of my friends are still with their boyfriends who they met at 15 and 16 respectively, we are now all 26. One of these girls is getting married in February, the other is very happy living with her boyfriend in a nice house and they have a great life. Have being with their boyfriends during their teenage years been detrimental to their lives? No, not at all. These couples have grown together, been through a lot together and in fact it has made them stronger. They are incredibly happy and that is their 'fairytale'.
Whereas me and one of my other close friends both had boyfriends when we went to uni, and during uni we both split up with our boyfriends. I know for certain in my case I grew apart from him, I wanted to experience a lot and felt that I was being held back by having a boyfriend. I did then go on to have a boyfriend at uni a year later, we had loads of fun together but eventually we split up because I realise we were more like friends than boyfriend/girlfriend.
Did having a boyfriend at uni get in the way of my development? I actually would say no, if anything it helped me develop. I learnt a lot about myself by being with him, I've learnt a lot about myself from all my relationships and now I'm with the man of my dreams it makes me all the more certain that he is right for me because I've been with 'wrong' a few times in the past.
I think random hook ups are pretty pointless, and you are right about the superficial relationships - there is nothing to be gained from them and it will just get in the way of achieving what you want to achieve.
However if you met a really nice guy who you really liked, I think you would be daft to pass up the chance to see what happened. Plenty of people meet their boyfriends at uni and then go on to get married, so sometimes your 'fairytale' will begin at uni. Sharing a lot of the fun and major events that happen when you are at uni would be a good thing, so I wouldnt write off all uni relationships completely - just choose carefully.
You never know when you are going to meet the right man, it could be now or in 20 years. And every relationship you have, even the ones that dont work out, help you learn major life lessons and give you valuable experience you would have never had.
If you found a guy that truly cared for you and wanted to commit to you, and you truly cared for him too - then I wouldnt pass on that opportunity regardless of how old you are or where you are in your life. But equally dont get into relationships for the sake of it where you are not 100% sure you want to be with him or care about him enough to be with him long term.
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