A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:What is worse - being cheated on by the man who said he wants to marry you, or having him accidentally break your nose during an argument?I want to be with my girlfriend more than anything in the world but she just doesn't understand me sometimes. I told her that I wanted to marry her last week and after saying yes, when I asked what she was thinking, she told me that she was scared that I would never stop calling her mean names or saying mean ("cruel and inhumane" things according to her) things. I told her that when we get married things will get better and that when I tell my family (in Italy) over a week holiday, that she can't stay at our apartment by herself because, after all, what will she do by herself?Her response to my proposition made me very upset and I retracted the proposal immediately afterwords, thus making her very upset and she said that she doesn't understand what I want from her or why I want to be with her if I have said and thought so many mean things about her. She is being juvenile, no? - asking me to tell her what I love about her. I just tell her that love is enough and I can't explain it, I just want to be with he. A few days later she was breaking my balls asking me why I wanted to be with her despite the mean things I say and have thought in the past (because I told her again that I wanted to marry her) and I apparently wasn't answering her how she wanted. I was telling her that she was being childish by needing an answer to why I want to be with her and that I am sacrificing a lot by going to tell my family in Italy and the least she could do is take five days off from work so she isn't alone in our apartment. She continues to rant about how she doesn't understand how I could want to marry someone I don't trust and yada yada yada.Things escalated and she shouted and I threw my phone at her - with the intention of hitting the wall behind her but I hit her nose instead, causing a nose fracture and her to need two stitches (in the ER). She went on a screaming rampage saying that I should just cheat on her because she doesn't know how to make me happy and if I cheated on her it would hurt more than my ACCIDENTALLY breaking her nose. I don't get it. Does that mean she's with someone else? I have apologized profusely and she's still distant.The past two days (since the incident) she has been very distant. She tells me that she needs consistency in the relationship but how can I give her consistency when she is always pulling away from me if I make a mistake?Advice on why she is being crazy? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2009): Dio mio. Yes, that sounds like my girlfriend. I told you all that she always complains and never understands me. I feel bad enough about what happened.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (30 July 2009):
 You're not trying to marry this woman, are you?
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-does-he-want-to-marry-me-if.html
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2009): I am the original poster. Yes, Italian men are famous for our Latin Lover stereotype-at least that's what my girlfriend says and it's why she says she fell in love with me and then claims that part of me went away when I started to treat her like this.
I have never treated another woman like this but I didn't want to be with them. I want to be with her but she never understands me.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2009): I've got a sneaking feeling this guy is winding us up.
I thought Italian men were supposed to be all romantic, like for instance singing 'Just one Cornetto' on a black shiny boat whilst pushing it under bridges with a big stick whilst wearing a funny hat with ribbons attached?
He can't be serious. (can he??)
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (30 July 2009):
 Ok well I'm not surprised she only hears the horrible things, calling the woman you are supposedly going to spend the rest of your life with a whore?! I cannot even think of a response that, it is just disgusting! And to say you would cheat on her if she didn't answer the phone? Wow. You are quite possibly the most immature 30-35 year old man on earth!
I am not at all surprised by your girlfriends behaviour, you need to do some serious work on your own behaviour before you can expect her to change. She wont become "whole again" while she is with you when you treat her the way you do - you have to change otherwise she will continue to act like this. I cant believe she has stayed with you, I feel so sorry for her.
I cant believe you said "she had the audacity to bring it up" - when the person you love calls you are whore that is something that you will be thinking about for the next few weeks minimum! You have created this monster in your girlfriend, it is all your own doing. So it has to be your own doing to get out of this mess - I suggest some serious apologising to start, with anger management classes and also some therapy to find out why you need to treat women so badly. If you do all that then maybe your girlfriend will see you really want to change, and she might start believing you when you are nice to her. But you have to be nice to her 24/7, not just on odd occasions in between the verbal abuse.
If you are not willing to try and change yourself then you will not see any change in your girlfriend. I wouldn't be surprised if she leaves you soon, I bet she wont be able to put up with much more. Act fast otherwise you are going to lose her!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (30 July 2009):
 I'm with Eyeswideopen on this one.. Man, I hope she starts running and never look back. From you post she really don't seem crazy (even if you try hard to paint her that way) but YOU? .....
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (30 July 2009):
 I fervently hope that while you are visiting the folks in Italy she packs her bags and completely disappears from your life. Without a trace.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2009): She needs to know for sure that you're going to have an attitude adjustment and I think that's the main problem as far as she's concerned. You seem to realise that you're not treating her right, so why don't you make that attitude adjustment now rather than wait until after you're married?
If she's got any sense at all she won't marry you because you're treating her very badly. I don't think she's acting crazy but I would if she agreed to marry you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2009): I am the original writer. Thank you for your response. Yes, she is neurotic. She never hears the nice things I say. She was upset that I called her "chicken brained and wh*re" while on the way to our dinner that I verbally proposed and she had the audacity to bring it up when I asked her what she was thinking. I have also been a little crazy at times with my accusations of her infidelity, which I really don't think she is. But I can't help myself in accusing her. I've told her that I would cheat on her if she missed a phone call of mine before and she hasn't let that comment go. But the bottom line is that she doesn't hear me when I say the nice things, she says that the mean things have destroyed her and I just want her to be whole again.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (30 July 2009):
I can tell you now your not going to be very popular on this site! Be prepared for some pretty harsh answers!
First of all you hitting in her in the face was not an accident - you threw your phone in her direction therefore you always knew you had the chance of hitting her. If you didnt mean to hit her you would of thrown the phone at the opposite wall or something, not in her direction. So you are very lucky she is not pressing charges against you for domestic abuse! You must realise that even throwing things "accidentally" is not the way to deal with an argument, it sounds like you have some anger issues and you might want to see someone to help you deal with them. Maybe once you start dealing with your own anger you might find it easier to handle your girlfriend.
She does sound a little neurotic and I can understand where you are coming from but most women are like that, the behaviour you have described is that of a typical woman! Women expect men to be able to read their minds, to know how they are feeling and to give that magic right answer to all their questions. The reality is that men have no idea what their woman is thinking and cannot comprehend half of what is going on in her head!
It is very odd that you dont want her in the apartment by herself, after all if she doesnt want to go to Italy with you then why should she have to go? You mention she works, so that is what she would be doing while your away! She would be going to work and then coming home and going about her normal business! People in relationships can function without each other you know, some time apart might actually do you good!
She is not cheating on you by the sounds of things, what she meant by her comment is that no matter how much you hurt her physically, the mental and emotional pain of cheating is much worse.
What sort of nasty comments do you say to her? It sounds like she is very unhappy in this relationship and you are verbally abusive to her, that will explain why she constantly needs to hear from you why you love her. If you say horrible things to someone for long enough that person will start to believe they are true, and will doubt any nice thing that comes out of the other person's mouth. So in your case - if you have been saying horrible things to her for months/years, then she will now believe that all you feel towards her is hate and loathing. So when you ask her to marry you, it seems like a contradiction and she cannot understand that one minute you are being nasty to her, the next you want to marry her. She doesnt believe that you love her in essence - and she needs you to tell her over and over in order for her to start believing in it.
It sounds like you have been pretty awful towards your girlfriend so you shouldnt be suprised by her behaviour - she is just reacting to the months/years of emotional abuse she has got from you. Now that you have added physical abuse into the mix things are going to be a lot worse, she will now live in fear of you hurting her again. Hitting someone is not a mistake, it is a calculated attack. As soon as you decided to throw that phone in her direction then it became calculated. You clearly cannot control anger and you need help with that, maybe if your girlfriend sees you getting help for your issues she might start to forgive you.
I know I personally would never stay with a man who hit me, my ex hit me once and even though he claimed it was "an accident" I left straight away and never spoke to him again. You will just have to hope that your girlfriend is much more forgiving than I am!
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