A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating a man for about a year and a half. He has had a very tough year due to unemployment and has become very discouraged in just about every aspect of his Life. In order to try and provide what I can for solidarity to the relationship, I have stayed by his side but slowly lost control of myself. He treats me as though I am a yo-yo. He will say the most cruel, painful things I have ever hear in my Life; only to later tell me that I am the woman of his Life and he wants to marry me.This up then down, in then out, black then white, has really really worn down on who I am as a person and I have become anxious, not knowing what will upset him at any given time to cause him to call me a wh*re for no reason, or to snuggle up to me and tell me that I am the most amazing person he's met and how much he loves me. One minute he tells me I am a wh*re with no sense of family then the next minute he tells me that he can't wait to have kids with me because he knows I'll be a great mother.This past weekend he told me that he wants to get married and is thinking about getting engaged next month. I was very happy but very scared, too, that his extreme treatments of me won't stop and i cautiously explained this to him and he said to forget what he had just said, that it was a joke and that we'll just take our relationship day by day until he decides to leave the country. The next day was the same story, I was studying and he came next to me and said that he was sorry and that he just gets scared thinking about something so serious but that he's ready because he loves me. (he is 30 I am 26) I asked him only one question: "Why do you want to be with me when you think that I am a narcisstic, materialistic, selfish, chicken-brained, cruel, wh*re?" (Yes, he has, in only the past two weeks called me these things for no reason) and he freaked out and said to forget that he wanted to marry me again. I have explained that I need (and DESERVE) consistency - so always treat me well or always treat me like dirt so I can open my eyes and stop being confused. He still won't answer WHY he wants to marry me if he thinks these awful things about my character and can only say "I tell you I want to marry you, how is that not enough?"
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female
reader, thatgothgirl20 +, writes (27 July 2009):
 He wants to marry you, because he knows that only you will take his sh**, and no one else will. You are proving him right by staying with him. Dump him.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2009): Two excellent pieces of advice already but I'd like to add that I was in a similar situation for 18 years. It started out ok and we were very young but I was always the emotional punching bag. It ended with me moving 1000 mikes away and selling everything I had to get away from this control freak. It's been ten years and the guy still thinks I might " come home. ". Some people are mentally ill and I wish I had seen it at 25 instead of 40. Go find a real man who will treat you well and contribute to a healthy life. What you have rght now is not love but parasitism. He'll suck you dry.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (27 July 2009):
 Two of the wisest aunts responded with excelent advice. Let me add my humble opinion...whatever you do DO NOT MARRY this guy. Verbal abuse is usually the beginning of the spiral down to physical abuse.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 July 2009):
 There are red flags waving in front of you. "Look out! Problem ahead! Look out!" It's good that you are paying attention.
Look, he's got some issues, I don't know what they are, I don't know if they can be addressed and corrected, but calling the woman he purported loves a wh*re, narcissistic, chicken-brained and cruel is the sign of an unstable and unhealthy mind. He can keep whatever thought processes are going through his mind under control for just so long, and then the mask slips and he utters the words that have been running through his head.
I haven't made the acquaintance of many abusive men, probably because they are too busy staying at home, controlling their victims and convincing them that it is the woman who is flawed, not the abuser. But this guy sounds like a budding abuser, a case of domestic violence waiting to happen.
Unless he sees that HE has the problem and that HE has to address it in a real way, I would urge caution on you. I would ask that you stay away from him until such time as he can demontrate he's taken steps to address his mental health issues.
Please read this article and tell us what you think of the description: www.mental-health-matters.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=171
You'll have to copy/paste that url into your browser.
Don't allow yourself to fall into the trap of believing if only you change, he'll change too. That's not how these things go, from what I understand.
Take care.
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