A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I recently turned 40 years old. I dated a guy (not a relationship) way back when I was a teen. We ultimately did not work, but while we were seeing each other we were kind of close. We would fall asleep on the phone together etc. typical kid things.He has not been able to let things go. I have been with the same man on and off for over a decade. The guy from my teenage years is married with kids. Before he proposed to her he asked if there was a chance for he and I and I said no as I had my guy.Over the years we talked occasionally as I liked him as an old friend. It would always lead to him confessing his feelings for me. He told me he would sometimes ride past my moms house to see if my car was there. He even popped up a few times while I was there. I came out to the car once, each of the other times I told him to leave. He would sometimes be drunk. About a year or two ago I finally blocked him. Months later I noticed he viewed my story from a different page I did not know he had. I ignored him. Recently I saw the page watching a couple more times and I blocked that one too.Yesterday, the day after my 40th birthday I saw he watched my IG stories from a third page I did not know he had. It feels creepy inside.I am not sure what to do. I watch the ID channel and say things like,"why didn't she go to the police?" Am I in that situation right now?Thoughts? Advice? Should I message him asking him to stop? Should I mention the police or not?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2022): You are making a huge drama out of nothing. The police will not want to know, none of this illegal and they are very busy with far more important things.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2022): You have to specifically ask the man to stop contacting you; and you would prefer not to see or hear from him anymore.
One of the problems the police have in dealing with issues like this is; it's not against the law for people to view you online, or drive by your house. It's not against the law to run into people. From what you've described, he hasn't really broken any law. However, before you can issue any sort of complaint; you have to let the offender know you don't want to see or hear from them. Otherwise, the police will just tell you their hands are tied; because he hasn't posed a threat, and there is no proof he is a stalker.
If he keeps finding you online, it is because he may share some of your contacts. If the same contacts are on all your feeds, he can track you through their accounts. You don't mention you have ever asked him to stop contacting you; you just asked him to leave on the one occasion he drove by your mother's house, and you determined he was drunk at the time.
You can ask our current boyfriend to politely ask the man to leave you alone, you don't wish him to contact you anymore. As a last resort, you can suggest to him that if he doesn't stop bothering you, you will be forced to inform his wife that he frequently approaches you unexpectedly; and contacts you when you don't wish to hear from him. You are not a friend, and have no reason to hear from him.
Things get a little tricky when you've been communicating all this time, and suddenly you don't want to hear from him. He has proof you've communicated with him; even knowing he was married at the time.
Ask your friends and family not to disclose personal-information about you to him specifically. Explain you don't wish to hear from him, or see him. Once there is evidence and proof that he has been asked to discontinue contact; and he continues, then you can make a complaint to the police that will have some traction. They can't stop him from driving past your mother's house, or stop tracking you on social media. Sometimes you can't go by your real name online; you have to use an avatar, and an alias of some sort, that only your friends will know. If you broadcast your life online frequently, people can easily find and stalk your whereabouts.
Tell him, once and for all, to leave you alone; and you really mean it. If he shows-up drunk and driving, say nothing to him; instantly contact the police. He shouldn't be driving while under the influence of alcohol. Once you've told him to leave you alone, and not to contact you; never respond to messages or calls. If he drives by, don't go out to speak to him. If he comes to your mother's house, make sure she knows you have notified him to stayaway from you. Pass it on to friends and family not to communicate with him, or offer information on how to contact you.
If all else fails, if you see him driving around drunk; call the police and give them his license plate. Until he breaks the law, you can't file a complaint against him. You should speak to a lawyer, and get a professional opinion; so you will know what options you have, should you feel somehow threatened by him.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (4 October 2022):
 Does your partner know about this? If not, perhaps it is time to tell him. Then I would suggest the pair of you arrange to meet this bloke, face to face, and tell him to back off. If he still keeps stalking you, then a solicitors' letter might help (assuming you know his address). You could also threaten to tell his wife.
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A
male
reader, kenny + ♥, writes (4 October 2022):
 This all sound rather obsessive and creepy. It is very odd that he can't let things go after all this time, and turning up at your Mums house is worrying to say the least, and being drunk, assuming he was driving is even more worrying.
Maybe send a polite note, letter, email, text, and say this has all got to stop with immediate effect as its creeping you out and affecting your mental health.
I think if nothing changes than you have no choice but to take more drastic measures, such as the police, legal advice etc.
You have a new life now, and he should respect this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2022): Please PLEASE listen to HoneyPie. Take the advice about lawyers and police SERIOUSLY.
It is hard to believe that something potentially dangerous might be happening, because it is surreal. But better safe than sorry. These things can escalate fast.
My ex who used to live in the same neighborhood was pretty stalky. A decade after our breakup (we were 23 when we were together for 3 months!) He would call (harass) my friends...
I moved to another country and at some point he latched onto somebody else. There people are dangerous!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2022): OP HERE:
Thank you for your response. I didn't write that title btw. You gave great advice, My SO feels he is a loose cannon and possibly dangerous and wants us to go to the police. Thanks for reminding me I owe him nothing. I tend to give too many chance.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (4 October 2022):
 Stalking you to "catch" you at your mom's house is kind of scary. Don't you think?
He isn't willing to accept the rejection. It's been DECADES!!
Yes you can keep blocking his accounts, yes you can tell him to stop showing up at your mom's house - but you have already tried this and it ISN'T working.
You can perhaps PRIVATE your IG? (no idea how IG works, sorry) but I presume there are SOME privacy settings?
Secondly, You CAN message him and tell him to STOP, that it CREEPS you out or... YOU can contact a lawyer.
It might be something as simple as having a LAWYER send him a letter. Not sure. I would perhaps also CALL the police (non-emergency number) and ASK what the best approach is.
Personally? I would contact a lawyer, first THEN file a report for stalking. I would be WAY more concerned with him showing up than with him looking at your IG - however if you CAN change WHO can view your IG, do so too. And I would keep meticulous records of when he shows up at your mom's house. It might be that FILING for a restraining order (I would have your MOM have a little log book and write it down when she sees him and maybe even install a door cam.
I think talking to a lawyer and the Police are BETTER than you talking to him. Because that is what he wants - for YOU to engage.
Even if he has never been violent you don't really know him anymore. You knew him what 25+ years ago?
You don't OWE him squat!!
What does your partner say/think about this?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2022): OP HERE. Dear Cupid came up with that title which I disagree with. This man is no longer a friend and I am concerned with his actions and if I should contact the police.
This is not a crush situation. I am not sure why that was insinuated. Seems beyond a crush.
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