A
female
age
41-50,
*illysgurl80
writes:Ok so I really need some advice... I have been with my boyfriend for almost two years and he has two kids ages 12 and 10 from a previous marriage... he's a wonderful father and that's one of the many reasons I fell in love with him, well anyways we usually do everything together when it comes to his kids... well lately he has been making plans without me and today he told me that he would like to take his son and then his daughter each alone so it would just be him and his son first then him and his daughter to go do things like kings island and camping for the weekend... ect ect... now I do work a lot but I can request time off but he hasn't given me the option to do so... I don't know what's going on lately but I don't think it's fair that I get stuck in the house all summer while he's out having fun.... I understand it's his kids and I love them like mine but still don't feel right when we have always done everything together when it came to our kids... am I over reacting??
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 May 2015):
 Since ( at the second try ) I had guessed correctly the composition of this extended family, there's not much that I may add to my previous post. I still feel that, although the plan may be not the most convenient for you- is it not " unfair " . Your 2 years old is excluded not because he is a class B child, or because Dad favours his other kids, - but because there's a big age difference and that's what would happen even if your child was a full sibling. I mean, a 2 years old would not tag along to, say, Six Flags with his older siblings, right ? He would not have fun and he would only be a hindrance. Then again, not doing anything or organizing anything special for the 2 older ones... just because they had the blessing of a baby brother, well, that's the surefire way to NOT make them think of him in terms of a blessing :). He'll catch up with dad and maybe the others when he'll be a bit older himself. Or, even better, by then the other two will be too busy dating or doing their teen stuff- and YOUR son will get dad all to himself.
As for seeing Dad around a bit less , what's the difference for him ? Like you said, he does not see him much anyway. And he still gets to LIVE in his dad's house, so even if it's just a daily glimpse , or 5 minutes of cuddles, or a kiss while he sleeps, - it's MORE; more regular, more permanent, more reassuring, more intimate than having to see your dad by appointment , which is what the other two have got normally( of course , that's nobody's fault too ).
As a matter of fact, haven't you thought that this is a splendid occasion for you to give YOUR own kids some one-on-one time and personalized attention ? Which they do not have to share with their stepdad ? don't get me wrong, he is a very good dad so I am sure he is also a very good stepdad- and yet, yours too , yes even if they are 16 or 18 or 20 !, maybe they need to be reassured, to be SHOWN, that they have never lost first place in mom's heart even if there's a new man on the scene. I am sure that you both make a lot of efforts to make this a blended FAMILY, which is great, of course, - to some extent. If you are given the chance without having to contrive it too much ( as luckily it happens for you ) I think it's good for kids to know and to be SHOWN that they are MORE than just members of a new famiy, and that they are individuals who will always have a special degree of closeness and intimacy with their parent, even when said parent found a perfectly compatible partner.
Ar most, considering the logistics, and the lack of transportation ( which alas should have been taken well into account way before of moving with him, because- what happens anyway the day you want to do something ALL of you together, - that would make SIX people plus one toddler , lots of people for one car , no ? ), I would ask Dad him to pare down a bit the summer program, but not to give it up, or to curb it substantially. You may think " it's not fair "- then again, I don't see how it would be fairer if HIS kids had to give up their parent/ child quality time , or have their vacation spoiled- just because you do not have your own car !
At the end of the day , though, what I think , or what we think, is irrelevant. If all this just does not sits well with you, you have to work out some sort of compromise. No point in frothing with anger inside, and NOT speaking up. If you are convinced that he SHOULD do things differently, tell him, and seek a contact point, some sort of compromise that works a little better for everybody. In such a composite family with all different needs, there's no way to make everybody happy all the time, or at least all the summer- but there's room for negotiation so that everybody may have only a little less of what each wanted and expected.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (13 May 2015):
 If you don't think it's fair, TALK to your BF. There is much else you can do.
I still think taking HIS kids camping is what a decent Dad would do. It's summer vacation for the kids.
YOUR 2 year old is not really missing out on the camping. Personally I'd hate to bring a 2 year old camping.
Why he can't make ONE of the week-end a family trip (his 2 kids, your kids, him and you) I don't get, if he is planning on going EVERY week-end. And for one of the 3 weeks.
If you and HIM are a family. Then it's not him & his kids versus you and his other child.
SIT him down and find a compromise you can both agree on. His words isn't law.
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female
reader, Billysgurl80 +, writes (13 May 2015):
Billysgurl80 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Ok I'm gonna try and explain this the best I can... yes I have other kids as well... we have a 2 year old together which is his bio child as well( I got pregnant not long after we got together)... My boyfriend and I and my children moved from my home town to his... He has two other kids from a previous marriage as well... I'm not changing my story because I don't like the answers or I would have never asked... I am glad he's in his kids life like I've said... I do want that and I understand our son is little but h3 don't get to see his dad as it is because by the time he wakes up my boyfriend is gone and by the time he comes home he's in bed... yes the car thing bothers me because we don't even have buses where we live so if I need to get around I cant... I Don't kno anyone here ... as for his kids when we talked he told me it would be every other weekend and I was truly fine with that... then he changed it to every weekend and 3 weeks in aug he is going on vacation with just him and his older kids... I know he needs time with just him and his kids but things keep changing... yes I feel this is unfair because be has other responsibilities and obligations to do... yes our son is little and will get over it but it's not fair to him either especially when he don't see his dad now... Something always comes up either he has to work later than he said or he drives an hour out the Way to take care" of somethings... I've known my boyfriend for years and knew he had kids when we got together as h3 knew I had them as well... I've done things for his kids before we got together so that's not an issue...
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (11 May 2015):
I am a bit confused too about how many people form this family and how many kids ...
There are HIS kids, boy and girl , OK.
Then there is " our " son ( yours and his ) kid.
But then , you say we moved with the kidS ( plural ) from my hometown 3 months ago...
At first I thought you meant HIS kids, the ones he wants to spend time one-on-one with, which might have come from your (mutual ) hometown to live with you. But , it can't be, otherwise they would have seen their stepbrother much more than just twice !
So, does this mean that you moved to join him with your ( shared ) son, and one or more children all yours ?...
In this case , to me it makes even more sense that he spends some weekends , or even all weekends, with HIS kids .I am sure that if you,OP, have kids and he took them in, that means he likes them - but, honestly, why would he have to spend all weekends with YOUR kids when he has kids of his own ?!
As for your little boy, he is " treating him different " because he is little. Even if this boy was all HIS biological son, ( and full blood brother with the other two ) the age difference - and getting over sibling rivalry - would make it advisable that he spended some one-on-one weekends with the two elders.
Plus, do not forget that the young one ( the one you share ) gets to see his dad every day - the other two don't. So how is he treating them better ? If any, it's your young one who's hogging the limelight ( not that this is anybody's fault ) !
I think that he is being a wise good caring dad in making sure his two older ones receive a little special love and care, seeing the situation. I also feel that when you form an extended family, -there's always sacrifices to be made and a price to pay. Some times a big price. And I feel that all this should have been sorted out ( who gets to spend time with whom when ) way before you had moved.
I guess you can negotiate and ask that it's not going to be each and every single summer weekend- but I also feel that you do not get too much ground to complain. Being that, apparently , you get to spend time with YOUR kids whenever you want. Being that your young one has not the same age to share the fun with his older siblings , and why THEY should be penalized by being stuck all summer with a newborn or a baby. And being that , it's a matter of getting organized ; maybe you can take a vacation too and go back to your hometown, kids in tow, for a couple of weeks. Maybe you can secure yourself some second or third hand inexepensive car, just to get around the neighborhood , and not to be " stuck " at home.
Maybe you can agree that it's gonna be alternate weekends and not all of them.
Or maybe you can just tough it out and remember that dating a single or divorced parent- isn't that simple, and poses a lots of challenges, and then again, as you say, one of the things you liked in your B/F most was that he is a wonderful dad, so it should not come as a big surprise to you that he wants to do a lot with, and for, his kids ( and I am sure he will do the same for yours when he wil reach the right age ).
This, assuming I've got the children line- up right ( 2 his living with their mother, 1 shared at home with you, 1 or more all yours but also living with you )... of which I am far from being sure....
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (9 May 2015):
I agree with CodeWarrior
Wouldn't be the first time a story changes because they are not getting the "advice" they want to hear.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (9 May 2015):
Ah, I see where this is leading.
Instead of this being about you not liking it, now it's your son.
How old is he?
And WHY can you not take the opportunity to have some one-on-one time with YOUR son? Honestly, why not jump at the chance of just having ONE kids to do something with?
FIND the positive in this. AND talk to your BF.
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female
reader, Billysgurl80 +, writes (9 May 2015):
Billysgurl80 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThat's the thing... I can deal with not having a car here in their but I work too and it was suppose to be just a few weekends and now it's every weekend... our son is upset that daddy is leaving and he can't go with him... I understand our son is still little but I don't feel it's fair to him... what I don't understand is that he does more for his older kids then he does for our son and I kno that in time as he gets older he will start to include him on things... but being away every weekend is just not fair... I don't kno anyone here and me and the kids moved from my home town to come here and start our life... I do love his kids very much and I am okay with them not calling me mom because they only have one mom... but don't you think it would be the same case for them to be in their brothers life as wrll?? They have only seen him twice since he's been born... Its not fair to him either... sorry you guys just at a loss right now
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (9 May 2015):
What is it you don't understand?
That his kids are a priority in his life? Or that he wants to spend some solo time with them?
If you don't understand it, TALK to him.
As for not having a car, year I get that it would be sucky to be stuck TWO week-ends, so maybe HE needs to help come up with a solution so you aren't "stuck" in the house. Or you CAN plan to visit friends/family back home those week-ends - maybe a greyhound/train ride?
You need to talk to him about it. I just don't see the problem personally.
It's two week-ends.. that is it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2015): They probably like you very much but they deserve time alone with their father. You will have to accept it, he has obligations and a commitment to them which existed before you were in their life and will exist forever. You should encourage this and be proud he is a man that wants to give his children his time.
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female
reader, Billysgurl80 +, writes (8 May 2015):
Billysgurl80 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBecause we only have one car and if he takes it I have no way to get around... he is from here I am not and just moved here 3 months ago so don't have friends and all my family is 4.5 hours away... I am just not understanding
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (8 May 2015):
I think he is doing this MORE for the kids then for himself. THEY might WANT/NEED some one-on-one time with their dad, that is not meant to INSULT you or EXCLUDE you, but I think it's a good thing for him to spend some solo-time with HIS kids.
And why would it mean YOU would be "stuck" in the house all summer? He is talking about 2 week-ends.. the summer is a bit longer than that. And... YOU can do things with friend, visit family, get caught up on this that you may not have felt you had the time to do because he was there.
Personally, I do think you are overacting a bit here.
My husband went camping with his son (from a previous marriage) and the son's half brother without me, and guess what? I got the dining room, living room and bathroom painted and in the COLORS I wanted ..
He didn't mean to go camping with them as a slight or that I wasn't important, but there are times when KIDS want to spend time with their parent and FEEL special. Let them.
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