A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have been living with my girlfriend for three years. She kept photos up of her and her deceased boyfriend (posed together) who died 12 years ago. We had none of us. After we had been togehter 2 years, I mentioned that I felt that she was living in the past with him because of their photos and none of us. She did take them down and put one of us in an obscure place. However, she has a set of 3 photos in a nice frame of him when he was much younger. It is placed where I have to see it every time I walk down the stairs from our living room. I told her that I felt she was still living in the past and that if she wanted a future with me she should maybe put the photos away in a box and move on with me. She took it down but was upset so I put it back. However, because neither she nor I like fighting I promised no more would be said about it...and no more will. However, I'm seriously thinking of just moving out and calling it a relationship that just didn't work. Am I wrong for thinking this way?
View related questions:
move on Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2012): Would she compromise? Keep the remaining pictures up, but put them somewhere where you won't have to see them every day? In a second bedroom, for example.
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (13 March 2012):
 Maybe we need some clarification from the OP. If he and his girlfriend moved into the house at the same time, then yes, her putting up pictures of a long dead boyfriend could be viewed as disrespectful or inconsiderate. However, the way I read the question is that the photographs were already on display when he moved in and that his girlfriend removed most of them when asked to do so. The last of the photographs are displayed in a nice frame .... which the girlfriend DID take down, even though she was upset. It was the OP who put them back. I would like to know who owns the house.
...............................
A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (13 March 2012):
OP, your gf was clearly really hurt and maybe still isn't over it. However she also isn't showing you the respect you deserve. The photos of the dead ex need to be moved to a box or bottom draw but you shouldn't do that. I don't think it helps if you create a confrontational stance on this. You time to draw the line was probably when it first appeared. Now you need her to know it upsets you that she is thinking so much about the past and isn't considering your feelings. Ultimately he is an ex love andyour gf would not like womens faces reminding her you loved them once! But get positive: get a camera and printer and make some new happy photos, get flowers, plants, to displace the photo. Tell your gf you want her to be happy with you and the photo isn't helping. And yes, sadly I have an ex gf who has since died and I have photos, now digital that I keep completely for myself.
...............................
A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (13 March 2012):
From your post it seems more is going on then just that. If everything else was perfect, I'd doubt you'd want to end the relationship over this. Does her deceased ex cast a shadow over other parts in the relationship as well?
Personally, I can accept that there are losses one may never get over. And I get that she'd want pictures to remember him by. But at the same time, putting those pics allover the house is a constant reminder of his death and therefore not helping her make the most of now. There's a reason nostalgia was and is thought of as being an illness by some. She has him in her heart, she does not need to be reminded all the time. The memory is too strong to permanently forget anyway and the way it is now it's sucking the life out of her.
In your shoes I would talk to her about it. Tell her you don't want to start a fight or complain, but that silence isn't solving anything either. So just ask her about her feelings. Maybe the pictures are her way of coping, a security blanket. And then explain yours more in detail. Walk in her shoes and let her walk in yours. Really see it from each other's POV.
Sometimes you can't meet halfway entirely in these cases. For some people it's just too painful. So try to work something out you both are able to live with. That doesn't mean yielding entirely to her wishes: by entering this relationship with you she judged herself to be ready to do so, and her complete unwillingness to let go of anything concerning her ex suggests she is not ready to love someone else at all, and may never be.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2012): She misses the guy. Okay, that's acceptable.But 12 years have come and gone. It's time to place those memories into a nice box somewhere, to be opened and glanced upon when the need arises.To have them displayed so prominently, placed above current memories with the man you are supposed to currently love, is not only showing complete disrespect for the man who is here now, but is showing a complete unwillingness to let go of the past.Yes, this man will ALWAYS be a part of her. He'll always be in her heart. But by refusing to close that chapter of her life but putting the pictures of him away with her other precious memories and items, she is basically saying the best part of her, the part she SHOULD now be giving to her partner, will ALWAYS remain there and that all she is willing to give to the man who loves her NOW is whatever happens to be left over.It's not a healthy way to deal with the death of someone so cherished to keep their memory so alive that it hurts any other kind of relationship you have with someone else who deserves to be loved just as much.I doubt she'd be so understanding if he kept pictures of a dead wife so prominently displayed before pictures of herself.Flynn 24
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2012): If your girlfriend died would you want to get rid of her photos. My dad died 40 years ago , my grandmother died 25 years ago, my son got killed 5 years ago so what am I suppose to do? Throw all of these photos in the garbage?
Yes you are wrong as two left shoes.
Maybe you should try and not let a photo bother you. I would be angry if they were photo of her ex-boyfriend but he died.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2012): He died, they didn't break up. If he hadn't died, she might still be with him today. She never stopped loving him. Whether it is 'right' or 'wrong' for her to feel this way seeing as how she's now in a relationship with you, her feelings are still there.
I think that to make her put the photos away is going to drive her away from you. ask yourself why can't you deal with her having his photos there? I mean, he's dead, he's not going to be coming round and risking her leaving you for him. What are YOU afraid of? yes she loved him, yes she still loves him. But he's dead.
if it really bothers you that you're not #1 in her heart, that's just the way it is and in that case I think you should reconsider if you should stay together because it looks like this isn't going to change anytime soon regardless of whether she puts his photos up or takes them down for you.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (12 March 2012):
 Honestly, I'm ALL for having memories and mementos from the past but, if it is YOUR home (as in both of yours) then her pictures of her dead ex needs to go. If it is HER house then I would be miffed, but since it's her house I'm not going to tell her how to decorate.
The thing is, the guy is dead. You are alive and there. So talk to her, tell her how it feels instead of trying to tell her what to do.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2012): No, you're not wrong at all. If it were a year that would be different, but twelve, come on, its time to make a choice. She needs to either put the memories away and move on or else end the relationship she has with you. Of course I feel empathy for her, but its very unfair to you to have to see those photos all the time and know you're still just number two after all those years. If I were you, I'd let her have her memories and her photos and just move on and hopefully find someone who will put you first.
...............................
A
female
reader, Blonde68  +, writes (12 March 2012):
Have you ever lost a loved one? I guess not, otherwise you may look at it differently. However, I do think that eventually she will take his photos down but she needs to do it in her own time.
I kind of feel for you, because I understand that you still think she pines for him and you feel second best. He isnt a threat to you - as harsh as it sounds, he is never coming back so he is just a lovely memory to her and you have to allow her that - she is with you now and loves you, but I doubt the memory of him will ever fade because he died rather than them splitting up.
Why don't you perhaps suggest that she plants a flower/shrub in the garden in memory of him - this may help her take down the photos and look at the flowers in the garden instead.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 March 2012):
 You are wrong. He's not an EX he's deceased.
that is akin to my father's live in girlfriend (that he's been with for 16 years now) asking him to not observe the anniversary of my mother's death (as is our religious custom) because it's living in the past.
Also I guess he should not see his children, especially his daughter who looks JUST LIKE HER MOTHER (that would be me) as that would be living in the past.
It's nice to have pictures of you two together and they should be put out... and one or two discreet pictures of her with him from the past are still part of HER... the relationship she has with him made her the woman who she is today... without him you would not have her the way she is.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2012): You arent `wrong` for feeling as you do. They are your feelings and we dont know how much other stuff has been going on. But if you feel you wont ever measure up and she is using tears to get her way. Then maybe she is not ready to move on and might never be. And you could be wasting your time. She doesnt sound very sensitive to be frank. I think I would have made a compromise and put any pictures out of sight...if I really couldnt bare to part with them. I get the feeling she is not prepared to meet you half way on this. Depending how much you love her, either do a 180 and ask to move the pictures but DONT put them back next time or leave. I can understand how tricky this is because the guy passed away and you dont want to seem a bad person for being upset about his pictures. But at the end of the day, you have to do what will make you the happiest. Stay and be made to feel second best and guilty for disliking a deceased persons pictures around your home....or leave. I think I would leave because it sounds as if you have to live in his shadow and that`s no life for anyone.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (12 March 2012):
My father in law, a widower, married a widow, they were both in their fifties, and had very successful marriage of just over 30 years, and for all those 30 years a photograph of her first husband shared their bedroom.
So, your girlfriend loved somebody before she loved you. She loved him so much she has photographs of him in her house .... I assume its her house, otherwise you would hae said something along the lines of 'please dont hang pictures of another man in my house"
She took most of the pictures down when you pointed them out, why is it so hard to let her keep the set that's left?
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (12 March 2012):
 You would end a relationship because of a dead guy's picture? Me thinks there is more to the story, at least I would hope so anyway.
...............................
|
