A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am so confused now I don't know what to do so I am turning to you guys for some advice. I am not looking to date causally, I want something more serious. I am not talking marriage but I am looking to the future. I have had a boyfriend for 3 years now. He is my first and only boyfriend. He is extremely nice, smart, treats me very well, and he is madly in love with me. He is currently going to school to be an engineer and is only in a little bit of school debt. We have a lot of the same interests, values, religious views, future goals, and we get along very well. We usually have something to talk about and I am interested in it. But things arnt that great. I feel like I am not really attracted to him. I have had this feeling off and on since we started dating. But for the past 8 months or so I don't feel attracted to him. Its like kissing a wall and its not that fun when we get more "intimate". I don't know if I am in on of those off periods or if I just convinced myself I like him because he was the only boy interested in me. Enter guy number 2. We met about 6 months ago at school. I am very attracted to him. He is really cute, charming, and nice. We get together on a weekly basis for coffee and we end up talking for hours and hours. There seems to be a real connection there, we both feel it and have talked about it a bit. I am always having fun with him and I think about him a lot. He is also in school to be an engineer but he is in considerable debt because of school. This kind of bothers me but its not something he can help. We don't have the exact same values and what we want to do with our lives. He is also more of a social person where I have more a close knit group of friends. It seems like we are very different at times but we do get along very well.I don't know if I am just being lustful because I am more attracted to boy 2. I feel like I am more suited to be with my boyfriend but I don't always feel a connection.I am having so many thoughts that i am trying to organize. I just need some advice. I will add more if you ask or if I think of something. Sorry for the wall of text.
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female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (5 May 2010):
 I think it is pretty normal to have doubts about relationships at your age. You are going through a developmental stage where you are trying to emerge into the world as an adult. You are dating, establishing a career and working out who you are and what you want to be. If you have dated a man for a while and then the passion dies it could be just a phase - physical aspects of relationships do have to be 'worked at' by both parties. However I would say hold off on getting your boyfriend down the aisle for at least a few years until you have figured out if he is the husband for you, or just your first boyfriend who you have moved on from. Prospective boyfriend number two is probably just a distraction for you right now. I would say concentrate on what is wrong with your relationship with your current boyfriend rather than just ditch him for the second man. It may seem exciting and tempting but it will probably result in heart-ache because already you have appraised him to have some values that are not compatible with you (i.e. debt). That can only fester over time...
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