A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi Guys. I've had loads of help from you over the last few months. I split up with my partner after over 4 years of being together a couple of months ago. My feelings for him had changed and felt like we were in a brother/sister type relationship. The chemistry had disappeared and I knew the relationship had run its course. There were no complications in the split as we didn't live together or have kids between us or anything. He has two older kids and my son from my marriage is 12.We split up before Christmas last year for a few weeks but then tried to make another go of it. When we split again in March, that was it to me and since then I had no desire to contact him or see him.I've got on with life and booked my holidays, got myself a bar job for an evening a week and decided to apply for other jobs at work. I've really taken stock of my life and decided what I want from it.He texted me a few times to see if we could meet up to discuss where things had gong wrong but I declined. Then, last night I saw him whilst out and we got chatting. I said that things had changed between us before Christmas and that was nobody's fault. It's just that time can change things and people do change.He's now texted me this morning to say that he thinks we can still be happy and is willing to meet to sort things out.He really is a nice guy but I still feel that there is something missing now. We had a chat but more like mates. I didn't feel anything when I saw him and don't feel I could get the feelings back that I'd need to make the relationship a success. Am I right to carry on getting on with my life? Everyone says 'never go back'?? Help!
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female
reader, Cateyes  +, writes (20 May 2007):
 Ususally when I hear the chemistry is no longer there, it's because one or both parties stop making the effort and take each other for granted. I hear what you are saying, however, I guess my question to you would be have both of you really had a sit down talk and asked each other why you feel this way and why he feels this way and why do you both feel it got to this. What happened to each other's spark towards one another and why did you even get involved with each other to begin with? I have to agree as well below...to many couples, especially in a marriage, find it to easy to "just" get a divorce instead of working out the situation. Even though you are not married, would you be getting a divorce or working through this? I believe in your situation, especially if he is a really good man...and you know what I mean, it is worth saving and working through. Your feelings for him are a choice, you can love him (again) if you want to...it's whether you want to try again or not and make a go of it...and BOTH really work out the issues. As far as not going back to someone....I think if he was the mad rapist, the alcoholic, or the physcial or mental abuser...those are the one's that I would not go back to!! Good Luck to you no matter what you decide!!!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2007): From my point of view. . . . Ask yourself why you fell in love with him in the 1st place? Was it because you loved something about him or was it because of what he did for you? Ask yourself, why did you fall out of love with him? Was it because of what he did . . . or didn't do? If it was because of what he didn't do, have you expressed to him those feelings and that you would want him to do whatever your needs are?
Look from my point of view, you gave this guy 4 years of your life and you know what . . . you've disappointed him as I'm VERY sure that he's disappointed you. Relationships are not easy and require a lot of work. If this guy is a good guy, don't throw in the towel without making sure that you've turned over every rock.
Being with someone for 4 years is a major "thing" and I wouldn't want to throw away something that could work! At the very least, "IF" he was a good guy, honorable and took good care of you. . . . you owe him a face to face chat to go over your feelings AND his. At least you would know where you stand in your own mind.
Relationships are not disposable and every chance should be taken to protect them. We live in such a disposable environment from fast food to . . . . well you get my point. Human beings and feelings ARE NOT disposable. If you loved him and he loved you, then both of you would make changes to accomidate each other. Isn't that what love is all about?
My only question was did you do everyting that you could have done to "right" the ship? If you did then move on, if not, you owe yourself and him a second look.
Sincerly
ps. I know what you're going through!!!
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A
male
reader, DV1 +, writes (20 May 2007):
 This is a classic case of one-sided feelings. A person has no right to force another person into a relationship. If you don't love him, the best thing that you can do for both of you is tell them that you're in the same place. If you want to take another go at it, don't be committed right away. Go out on a date or two, and see how you two feel around each other.
DV1
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2007): Well being in the same position that you are in only from a guys perspective.
If he was a good guy (truly) then it's all up to you. You had feeling for him once and you could rediscover them if you wanted to. If he is willing to make some changes to accomodate you and vice vera you are willing to make changes then don't let him go. Just take it slow with whatever you decide. Good guys so to speak, are not a dime a dozen as are good gals especially at our age!
Either way, I wish you happyness with whatever you decide!
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