A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:DearCupid, maybe somebody can help me. I've been looking online for answers to this question and it seems like there are kind of two "camps". I will explain the situation.Met a guy at college and we had our first date a couple of weeks back. He seemed really into me when he asked me out and excited that I agreed to a date with him. I made a huge effort to look good for him and he told me I looked great when he arrived at the bar. He got me a drink and we sat by the window. It was a Friday night so lots of people out. I just want to know if I am overreacting at him checking out every single woman that walked by/came into the bar. He was making it REALLY obvious, not trying to hide it at all and he came across as really rude. Like he did it in the middle of a sentence and lost concentration because he had to stop to look at someone. I actually said to him, excuse me, is everything ok, I mean we are on a date and having a conversation, right? I mean if you would rather not be here, it's cool, I can go home.He apologised and stopped doing it for maybe 15 minutes but then started again. He was so obviously trying not to move his head and in the end was unable to. I got up and went to the rest room and rang my best friend and she suggested she come pick me up if it wasn't going so well. I asked her to come by in half an hour. When I came back from the rest room, he was actually standing up at the window staring off to the left of him. I looked out of the window and it was three girls walking by. He looked really guilty that I had seen him, then asked if I would like another drink. I let him buy me a juice and then explained that I felt he wasn't all that interested in getting to know me and that my friend was coming by to pick me up. He was really upset and even when I explained why I felt the way I did, he seemed unable to understand it.He called me the next day, kind of begging for another chance. Said if he was staring down other women it was only looking and he didn't mean to be rude or mean anything bad by it and he really liked me and to give him another chance. I said ok, let's maybe go to the park and get a coffee and waffles at the waffle house the next weekend and we could see how it goes. We met up at the park and had a nice walk, but he was turning his head all the time at different women going past. I let it go until we got to the waffle house and then I lost my temper a little bit about it. He then admitted that his last girlfriend had ditched him because he couldn't stop it and that it was like a really bad habit that he couldn't seem to break, but he wanted to. He said he had never cheated on her but she lost all trust in him because of it.I really like him, I find him physically attractive I guess, but I'm not sure whether to see him again based on this habit. Even after telling me he wanted to stop he kept on doing it. He is really obvious about it, to the extent that a couple of women saw him and were laughing at him/me/us? I felt quite humiliated.When I look for answers online, I see a lot of the time both men and women saying stuff like, "a man can look at the menu, provided that he eats at home", or "women who don't like this are insecure". So I don't know.... is this guy a jerk/insensitive/uncaring.. or am I right to have reservations?
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (23 January 2016):
 The whole bullshit that "men are more visual creatures" is one of those lines I REALLY just hate. Because:
1. it's NOT just men who are visual, and 2. being visual doesn't excuse BAD manners. And staring at EVERY single female walking by him, when out on a date, IS bad manners.
I'm not an insecure person either and I HAVE been on a date (1) with a guy who was breaking his neck to check out EVERY single female (including the waitresses) in the restaurant. It was .... embarrassing? Not for me that he LOOKED, but that I was on a date with one of "THOSE guys" - and for him too. It was sleazy and borderline creepy. And I seriously don't think he was aware of just how bad it was.
It might BE a bad habit, but .... he isn't really actively trying to fix it is he?
So here is my advice, IF it really annoys you (and THAT is OK to feel that way, and NOT be accused of being insecure) then DO NOT date him. You have expressed that it's not something you feel comfortable with, SO WHY waste any more time on him?
It's NOT your job to "fix" this problem for him. If he figures out that women in general don't appropriate it, he might be SMART and find a counselor or heck! a hypnotherapist to help with the problem.
It's OK to look. WE all do from time to time. I definitely will notice a good looking/attractive man/woman. But the difference is... I won't ogle. I will register him, notice him and then go back to business. If I am having a conversation with someone I probably won't pay attention to an attractive person. And if it was someone I was trying to get to know, I would definitely put my whole focus and attention ON that one person in front of me, not the slew of hotties around.
There is a so called 3 second rule - which means that is WITHIN the bounds of how long is OK to look/stare at someone before the OTHER party might feel uncomfortable and perceive you as a creep. Most people don't even look THAT long, a passing glance is quite normal.
My husband was on several "sensitivity/sexual harassment" classes when in the Army (they have to retake this ever so often) and they were taught that ANYTHING over 5 seconds could be construed at sexual harassment. That it can create a hostile environment. So if we apply that to the "real world" people would stick to the 3 second rule.
Whether this guy has an "excuse" or not... I would ditch this one and move on. It's just one of those "bad habits" I wouldn't want to abide by.
Good luck and remember, you don't owe him squat!
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (23 January 2016):
 WOO is telling you the facts. "Pass" on this character. There are oodles of guys who would like to date you.. AND would/could do much better looking for one of them....
Good luck..
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2016): Stop blinding yourself with the fact you find him attractive, and like him for something so superficial.
Over-looking a huge red-flag waving in-front of your face. He was totally immature and disrespectful. Staring down women when you're on a date is major stupidity. Good-looks should not automatically forgive people for their transgressions. You should have gotten-up and walked out while his head was turned.
The whole date was observing him checking-out other females; and in-effect telling you that you were not his center of attention. Although your time is just as precious as his. Well, his goal is to get you in bed; then see who else he can conquer. If all you need is a roll in the sack, he's the guy for it!
Your reasoning for liking him is also immature. He's a dick! To put it bluntly!
Tell him to lose your number! No more dates unless you like looking like a fool in-front of a room full of other women; who notice the guy you're with is more interested in every female passing him by, than the lady he's with. Preserve your dignity. He sounds like an empty-headed frat-boy!
My dear, don't forgo your self-respect by trying to hang-on to a guy, because he's cute! He's got to make you feel respected; while proving to you his romantic-interest and attraction is focused on you. What you have to offer. If he can't get his head off a swivel, even in your presence; then kick it to the curb. Along with his stupid disrespectful ass!
This may be a cliche, but here goes:
"You can do better than that!"
Is he a jerk? Worse...he's an assh*le! Or an ass-hat, as one of my favorite aunts often says! Hopefully she'll forgive me for steeling the word!
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (23 January 2016):
 I am not insecure and I don't like this staring behavior. It's more of an inability to control one's actions, rather than comparing myself to the other girls. I don't think he is a jerk. It's just an annoying habit that would turn me off, just like picking your nose, chewing on your nails and burping in public. He could be interested in you but he has a big concentration problem like ADHD, and even OCD too if he can't stop himself from looking. Some annoying habits are not really pleasurable but it's more like a compulsion and not being able to stop.
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